Harry Potter and the World After Death
by UglyFingers
Summary: Urahara Kisuke kills baby Harry Potter... and ends up raising him! The Boy-Who-Lived isn't quite 'alive' anymore. Pervert!Harry antagonizes Hogwarts and pretty much the entire wizarding community. Not a typical Bleach/HP crossover. Warning: contains dirty language, vague plot, random events, multiple references, 4th wall breakage, and more!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Harry Potter. No profit is made with the creation of this work. Everything is purely done for enjoyment.

A/N:

Random plot bunny. Might get continued into a series but very low priority at the moment.

Prologue:

"Those idiots!"

Old Man Yamamoto stabbed is staff into the floor in anger, his usual calm yet frightening composure all but gone at the sheer stupidity presented before him. He eyed the report with enough intensity to silence crying babies. It told of how the Dark Lord had been defeated in the world of the living but the soul was somehow able to cheat its way from its eventual destination, Hell. The evil wizard that has been haunting the hidden magical community for half a century had been finally been defeated by a baby.

What angered him however, was the complete lack of clean up from the living side after the incident. After news got out that the Dark Lord have been defeated, the magical community erupted in cheers and celebration, completely ignoring the fact that just maybe, the foe was not truly dead.

The problem was that after Voldemort's death, the Gates of Hell opened up to receive its new tenant but the soul was still somehow anchored to the world of the living, thus making it impossible to be collected. In its outrage, the Gate opened a few inches, just enough to let some of Hell's miasma to leak into the world of the living in search of the escaped soul. This resulted in famine and diseases to run rampant. As a result, the situation in Hell was brewing into something they cannot handle. It was doing everything it can to take home one of its most important citizens. Lord Voldemort certainly fits in with its VIP list.

Soul Society have succeeded in the quarantine of most of the damage by erecting barriers around the world but they were barely hanging on. If the situation was left unchecked, Hell itself might start to invade the world of the living.

The old man gritted his teeth, blaming the wizards for their persistence in learning about magic. While it may seem beneficial at first glance, the headache that it gives the clean up crew (Soul Society) afterwards is just damn infuriating.

A knock on his door jerked him from his thoughts as he said "Enter."

"How is the collection of the pieces going?" He asked tartly, his previous annoyance giving his voice more coldness than usual.

The Shinigami didn't falter from the anger that the old man was emitting, a trait that the old man has come to appreciate over the years. If everyone were to crumble just by being in his presence, efficiency would surely decrease and nothing would get done.

"Captain Hitsugaya and squad 10 have successfully recovered a Horcrux and Squad 11 have also recovered another. According to information from the Gates of Hell, there should be five left. We believe we should have recovered all the pieces in a few more days."

"And what of the child?"

"Sir... we believe that a piece of the Voldemort's soul have also lodged itself on the child. The only way to extract the soul is to kill the child. The humans have taken custody of the child and it would cause a large disturbance if we were to eliminate it at the moment."

The old man thought deeply. While haste is of importance, he also considered the effects it would have on the world of the living if their savior was to disappear just when they needed his presence more than ever.

"Prioritize finding the Horcruxes for now. That should keep Hell satisfied for the moment. If it demands to hand over the child however, then we have no choice but to follow its wishes."

"Understood, sir."

The old man rubbed his head where a headache was beginning to form.

===Break===

Vernon Dursley cursed his bad luck as people wearing black, oriental clothing burst into his house and started ransacking the place. He instantly labeled them as thugs and went for is shotgun, aiming it at the biggest one who he recognized as the leader. Petunia hid behind him, holding their newborn Dudley close to her chest and shook in fear.

"W—what do you people want? Get out of my house before I call the police!" Vernon's voice shook as pulled the trigger.

**Bang!**

The shot hit the tall man with bells in his hair in the chest. The rest of the gang just laughed as the man brushed off the small pellets from his white captain's coat.

A bald one holding a spear laughed louder than the rest.

"Shooting a shotgun at our captain, what an idiot."

The captain of Squad 11 looked down on the shaking fat man with a scary expression. Vernon's shock was clearly written on his face as Zaraki Kenpachi took a menacing step towards him.

"Oi, did you just challenge me?"

"Eeeekk!" Vernon gave a pig-like squeal in terror as the man raised his katana and swung it down. Blood splattered on the walls as Vernon fell to the ground, chopped in half. Petunia fainted at the sight.

"I told you guys not to cause a ruckus. Now go find that damn baby with a lightning scar on its forehead."

"Yes, sir!"

The bright light of a Senkaimon turned his attention to the newcomer. The short girl saluted, and spoke.

"There has been a change in orders. We are not to kill the child. Squad 13 will take custody of it until further orders."

===Break===

Just when Kisuke Urahara thought his day couldn't get any more hectic, his computer-like machine started ringing, indicating a call straight from Soul Society itself. He sighed and went to answer it, yawning as he did so. He had been working for four days without sleep ever since the Gates of Hell appeared and opened, releasing miasma into the world of the living. Soul Society was unable to handle the mess by themselves and had pleaded for his help to coordinate the quarantine of the harmful substance. Thinking back on it now, he found that he prefers his sleep.

He picked up the phone attached to the machine and pushed a button. A hologram of the captain of the Thirteen Division Imperial Guards appeared. He doesn't look pleased to see Urahara at all.

"How are the barriers holding up?" The old man asked.

"Much better than expected." Urahara answered while stifling a yawn. He reached out for coffee, only to find he has ran out of stock. He sighed in resignation and turned back to the old man.

"Tell me what you want and leave. I'm not exactly in the best mood at the moment." Urahara's usual jovial attitude was gone. His crankiness has reached its limit and just about every little annoyance made him want to last out.

The old man ignored Urahara's rudeness and spoke of his business. He didn't want to stay in the other man's company for long periods of time either.

"We have kidnapped an infant."

"You what?!"

"A piece of Voldemort's soul have latched onto the infant and we want it extracted. It is beyond Captain Kurotsuchi's ability and he recommended to leave it to you. The child will arrive in a few hours so be prepared to receive it."

The hologram flickered and the old man was gone.

"Fucking old man!" Urahara cursed the Gotei Thirteen and the old man for giving him more work. He was barely keeping himself together from he lack of sleep and they want him to take care of a baby? Impossible.

Tessai's tall figure came through the doorway and handed him more coffee. He looked Urahara over worriedly. Although he had been helping out as much as he can, Urahara still took care of most of the work. Another sleepless night would surely cause him to break down.

"Tessai-san, please prepare the operating room."

Tessai raised an eyebrow but did as he was ordered.

Three hours later, Kuchiki Rukia came to his doorstep cradling an infant in her arms.

===Break===

"Interesting." Urahara whispered softly, his thirst for knowledge piqued by the mechanics of the soul bound to the baby. The baby's body lay on a separate table with its Chain of Fate hanging loosely in the air, connecting it to its soul which lay on another operating table. Urahara turned the baby over, checking for other clues as to how the other soul merged with the infant's.

He noticed that although the soul itself, seems normal, it emits two distinct spirit pressures, telling him that the two souls are definitely merged into each other and impossible to extract.

Urahara frowned and transformed his hand into one of his inventions. He thrust the reptile-like hand into the infant's soul, searching for links and weak spots in the binding. To his surprise, the two souls were melded into each other flawlessly. It's almost as if one relies on the other's presence to continue to exist. He concluded that it is definitely impossible to separate the two. Thankfully, the piece of Voldemort's soul seem to be dormant and appear to have no consciousness of its own.

However, Urahara is not one to back down from a challenge. He brought out his tools, choosing the sharpest scalpel and butcher knife. He gave the butcher knife to Tessai and held the baby's Chain of Fate taut on along the floor. The tall, mustached man brought down the butcher knife through the Chain of Fate, cutting it cleanly in half. The corrosion ate at the chain, slowly devouring the it. Urahara quickly held the soul and started the surgery. Using the scalpel, he quickly opened the soul from the neck to the pelvis. As the spiritual pressure got out, he replenished it in equal amount using the replicated substitute he prepared beforehand. He took a quick look at the internal organs and brought his scalpel down to sever the places where the two souls were joined. Voldemort's soul was attached to every major organs and Urahara chopped them off, hurling them across the room into a small tub. Each one shrieked as it zoomed across the room before hitting the tub and gushing out spiritual pressure. Urahara's hands worked with the precision and efficiency of a veteran, replacing each organ that he threw away with new ones that he obtained from Soul Society's black market. He gave the soul a last check before sewing it back up. The corrosion have almost reached the soul by this time but Urahara ignored it and grabbed the body. He opened another cut vertically and this time, blood gushed out. He quickly grabbed the organs in the tub and stuffed them into the body. Without pausing, he quickly stitched the body back up.

He went back to the soul and looked at it with pity. It was a shame he couldn't save its life but at least he can purify it after it turned into a Hollow, instead of tossing it into Hell despite being innocent.

He exited the operating room carrying the body containing the last piece of Voldemort's soul. Rukia accepted the body with a nod and opened a Senkaimon back to Soul Society to deliver the body.

Urahara watched her go with relief. The Shinigami have finally located the last piece of Voldemort's soul and the only piece left is the one that he surgically removed. Hopefully, he would finally be able to get some sleep after this whole ordeal is done with.

He couldn't be more wrong.

===Break===

"Tessai-san?" Urahara addressed the tall man who stood transfixed by the door. Tessai pointed at the table where he had operated on the soul earlier.

Urahara face palmed. His head started to hurt from all the stress of the last few days and it looks like it's not over yet.

There on the table, snoring loudly, was the baby's soul clothed in black kimono. Its small hands grasped a katana that is too big for it to wield and massive amounts of spiritual pressure spilled out from it in a massive torrent, distorting the space around it.

"Tessai-san... what the hell happened here?"

"Dunno. I came back here expecting to see a baby Hollow but it looks like this child don't want to make our jobs any easier. Any idea what we should do with the youngest Shinigami in history?"

Urahara groaned. If his hunch is right, Soul Society won't accept the baby into their ranks. The worst that could happen is they either kill the child or make him take custody of it.

He rubbed his head and wondered what he did to deserve such punishment.

===Break===

10 years later...

Harry Potter woke up to Ururu's call from the kitchen, vaguely recognizing where he was. The dream he had last night was a bit disturbing. In it, he felt as if he as being cut apart like meat on a chopping board. He shuddered at the feeling and dressed himself. It is wise to hurry to the dining room before Jinta finishes all the food.

"G'mornin." He greeted them and sat down to eat. The man he considers as his father, Kisuke Urahara is absent, more likely on another summon from Soul Society. They had told him about his past when he was old enough to understand, reasoning that it was better to tell him of his origins before he hears about it from someone else. That answered most of his questions such as why he was the only one in the family to have a non Japanese name and why they don't seem to age. He later learned about how he supposedly defeated an evil wizard when he was just a baby and how important he is to the wizarding world. Urahara had kept the wizards away while Harry was growing up, wanting to let the child experience normal life before being thrust into the world of craziness.

He was shocked at first that the body he is so used to is actually what Urahara calls a Gigai. The man used his cane to push his soul out of his Gigai to prove his point. He was told that his real body was long gone and only his soul remained. He was also told of how the balance of the world was kept by the Shinigami and that he will have to do the same someday. Since then, he was always training his swordsmanship against Ururu and Jinta. He stood no chance against his older siblings even though he was strong enough to defeat mid level Hollows that sometimes roam around the neighborhood. The Shinigami in charge of Karakura Town have scolded him a few times when he tried to fight one of the stronger ones but that didn't stop him from trying. It was actually kind of fun seeing the short girl get angry at him for his antics.

Even though Urahara wanted to let him experience normal life along with Jinta and Ururu, he also gave him the necessary training in case he finds himself in trouble. In between going to school and playing with his friends, Urahara took the opportunity to teach Harry how to distinguish between what actions to take based on the situation and how to always use his head before doing anything. He was also taught how to use his spiritual pressure to use Kido. He learned most of the techniques almost instantly, as if his body has a high attribute to magic.

On the night before his eleventh birthday, they held a party consisting of just Urahara, Harry, Tessai, Ururu, Jinta, and surprisingly, the Shinigami in charge of the area.

"Quite a surprise seeing you here, Kuchiki-san." Urahara smiled at the short girl.

"This brat was persistent." Rukia answered, taking a sip from her tea.

"More like he has a crush on you." Jinta laughed.

"Lies!" Harry yelled, the forceful denial only making him more suspicious.

"It's true. On our way home from school, Harry always sneaks off and stalks you. We keep telling him it's useless but he just won't listen."

Rukia frowned. "Strange... I didn't even feel his presence..."

Harry smiled widely, pleased at having succeeded in his stalking missions.

"Now kids." Urahara snapped his fan shut and glared at the kids. "You're making our guest uncomfortable. Have more tact, you idiots."

The kids shut up immediately, knowing intense punishment will befall them if they go too far.

"And Harry, an owl delivered this a while ago." He reached into his clothes and took out an envelope. It is sealed with wax in the shape of the Hogwarts emblem. He handed it to Harry who looked it over pensively.

"Urahara-san, that's..." Rukia's eyes widened in recognition. She is well aware of what the letter entails. If the information from Squad 2 was correct, it is a letter of invitation from the Hogwarts school of magic to all eleven year olds who have magic potential. She looked over at Urahara questioningly.

"What do you think, Harry? Whether you choose to go or not is up to you." Urahara said innocently.

Harry smiled. The decision was obvious.

===Break===

Whew finally got that out of my head. Please leave a review and tell me what you think. I'm not too sure myself if this idea is worth pursuing or to throw it out as complete trash.

—UglyFingers


	2. Sing, Benihime

Disclaimer: See Prologue

A/N:

Okay, since a lot of people have demanded I continue this, here is chapter 1.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.

Enjoy.

Chapter 1: "Sing, Benihime"

"Harry!"

The half giant slammed into the young boy, knocking him off his feet. Kisuke Urahara looked on in amusement as his adopted son tried to release himself from the large man's bear hug. The boy swallowed a Gringo Soul Candy and ejected himself from his Gigai, gasping for breath in his Shinigami form. He glared at the big man and decided to kick him in the balls. The half giant's yelp of pain at the direct hit to his soul's groin pleased Harry like no other.

The big man fell on all fours, clutching the spot where Harry's feet connected. His eyes widened in surprise as he found that there was no physical damage to his treasures. He struggled to get up, still clutching his loins.

"That's not a nice way of greetin' someone you just met Harry." The half giant quickly assumed Harry have hit him using magic as he felt no movement from the body earlier. "I've bin tryin' ter find you all these years! Dumbledore's bin worried as hell after yeh disappeared tha' nigh' 'fter yer aunt's house blew up. 'Twas quite a sight. People were runnin' everywhere, tryin' ter put out de fire. Dumbledore was quite worried after findin' the blood protection broke an' he ran over ter see who could've done such a thing. Never seen him so flustered or worried in all mah life." The half giant shook his head mournfully.

Harry realized that the big man was speaking in English and was surprised that he understood the foreign language instantly. He shot Kisuke a questioning look but the man just whistled innocently. Harry's Gigai got up from where the big man had dropped it and approached the big man menacingly.

"Oi, oi. Don't tell me you came to this country without knowin' how to properly introduce yourself. Isn't it common knowledge to deliver a nice kick before introducin' yourself? The hell was with that hug huh?" Harry laughed at the Soul Candy's gangster-like personality as it grabbed the half giant's shirt and yelled obscenities on the big man's face. The big man was shocked to see that the hero of the magical community was such a foul mouthed child and hastily apologized.

"My bad, Harry. Just got too excited after seein' yer face. Looks almost the same as yer father's, 'cept the eyes... yeh got yer mother's eyes..." He trailed off in reminiscence but quickly composed himself and offered his hand. "Name's Hagrid by the way."

Hagrid also shook Kisuke's hand and thanked him for taking care of Harry all these years. They then had him pack his belongings, which consisted of various manga and magical girl figurines among other necessities, and headed for a deserted area where Hagrid produced a broken clock. He had Harry and Urahara hold on to it and it activated, teleporting them to the doorstep of the Leaky Cauldron.

===Break===

"Amazing." Harry breathed out as he wandered the shops of Diagon Alley. His curiosity and excitement clearly showed on his face, earning a few smirks from passerby's. They obviously thought him another excited muggle born on his first introduction to magic.

_Your mouth is open. _A voice in his head pointed out.

_Oops. Thanks._

He had been able to talk to his Zanpakutou for two months now. Kisuke had told him that to reach the next level of his abilities, he would need to come to understand the personality of his weapon. Talking to it was easy enough but he had yet to achieve his Shikai. The damn thing was stubborn and wouldn't let him enter its world until he can guess its name. It seems to be having fun annoying him however, as it's somehow able to speak to him directly through his mind. When he told Kisuke about this, the eccentric man frowned and said that it shouldn't be possible to communicate with it until he can enter its personal world. The Zanpakutou sneered at him and taunted him, taking advantage of the fact that he can't reach it. The weapon also liked to rub it in his face that he is still a weakling incapable of wielding it.

_Why don't you just tell me your name already?_

_Like hell I'll do that. _The feminine voice of his Zanpakutou sounded irritated, having been asked this countless of times.

"Why don' we get yeh yer wand first, Harry?" Hagrid asked beside him, bringing him back to the present. Kisuke have already disappeared, no doubt inspecting the other shops for things that might interest him.

Hagrid led Harry past a few shops and entered an old wands store named "Ollivander's Wand Shop". He greeted the old proprietor of the shop and led Harry up to the counter.

"Oh my, if it isn't the long lost Harry Potter. It only seems like yesterday when James and Lily purchased their wands from this very shop. How may I help you today?"

"This 'ere Harry need ter get his first wand." Hagrid answered.

The old man led them to old shelves containing boxes that housed wands and had Harry try out countless combinations of length and core. After going through all of the wands in the shop, the old man frowned.

"Well this was unexpected. It seems not one of my wands would choose you, Mr. Potter."

"B—but that can't be! Harry is descended from an ancient and noble fam'ly. He definitely ain't a squib! He even used magic ter crack my walnuts a few hours ago..." He unconsciously grabbed his crotch to make sure his treasures are still intact.

The old wandmaker raised an eyebrow at Hagrid's misfortune but didn't comment on it. He turned to Harry and tried to reassure the boy.

"I am sure that you will find a suitable wand for you sooner or later, Mr. Potter. Come to think of it, what do you know of wandless magic?"

"Nothing at all." The young boy answered proudly.

"It is a highly difficult skill to achieve. Very few powerful wizards have been able to cast magic without the aid of a wand. If my hypothesis is correct, then the reason why none of my wands have picked you is because you have no need of it."

_Or maybe it's because I'm already dead and no wand wants to choose a non living master? _Harry thought with amusement. He could hear his Zanpakutou laughing loudly in his mind, the bell-like tones echoing in his head.

"Wandless magic? Yer tryin' ter tell me Harry's just like dem house elves?!"

"It has nothing to do with house elves, Hagrid. Now, Mr. Potter, would you please lift your right forefinger and repeat after me."

Harry did as was instructed and waited for further instructions.

"Now imagine all the sensations in your body as magical power and channel it all into your finger. Repeat after me... _Lumos._"

"Lumos."

**Booooom! Crassshh!**

The shelves exploded in blue fire as white lightning erupted from Harry's finger and incinerated the stocks of wands. Ollivander screamed in shock as he drew his own wand to put out the flames. The burning wands emitted sparks and set other shelves on fire, making the old man's efforts much more difficult. He turned back to Harry in desperation to ask for the young boy's help.

"Do the same thing like you did but say 'AGUAMENTI'!"

Harry quickly extended all five fingers of his right hand and aimed at the burning shelves.

"Aguamenti!"

**Splissssh... Boooooomm! CRAAASSSHH!**

The force of three thousand tons of water exploded from his fingers, knocking the shelves across the room and breaking through the walls. The water blasted through the wall and forced its way through other shops, the violent torrent carrying debris and wizards alike in its wake.

Harry quickly stopped the flow as he saw the first wall get obliterated but the damage has been done.

"W—what in Merlin was that?!" The old wandmaker stared at Harry with wide eyes. "You can kill a thousand Fiendfyres with that thing!"

Harry looked at his hand with confusion. Instead of magic, he channeled his spiritual power through his fingers to see if that was what the old man meant. He had used the same amount as he would normally use on a low power _Way of Destruction #1: Thrust _and used a bit of his spiritual power on the incantation to convert the raw power into something tangible_. _Kisuke had taught him that if he had no spell that could be used in a certain situation, he would have to find a way to improvise. Harry learned how to improvise really well and have even created his own unique Kido spells for various purposes. He thought he got the gist of the magical process and tried it out. The wand is used to channel the person's magic in his body and the spells, being words of power, will convert the raw energy into something tangible. The caster needs to understand the theory of the spell and have a grasp on what the expected result will be in order to cast it properly. Harry thought that aguamenti means water and formed that image in his mind. Instead of magic however, he used his spiritual power as the fuel for the spell. Though he had no idea that using such a small amount of spiritual power would cause this much damage...

"W—we'll be taking ar leave." Hagrid ushered Harry out of the shop quickly before the old man could press charges.

"Blimey... so t'at was de power of de Boy Who Lived..." Hagrid shuddered and brought out a list of materials that Harry needed.

"Is it uncommon for wizards to do that?"

"Uncommon?! Hell I've never even heard of such a thing!"

Harry frowned. Are wizards really that weak?

They walked north towards Gringotts and found that all the shops they passed by had holes in their walls from one end to the other. The blast of water had gone through several shops and was stopped when it hit Gringott's Wizarding Bank. Five pissed off goblins chattered in front of the bank, investigating what caused the damage.

"Looks like they ain't lettin' anyone in fer today Harry." Hagrid shook his head in despair.

Harry glanced at the other shops as well. The whole west side of the alley is flooded and water gushed out from the broken windows of the shops. All merchandise are either dripping wet or washed away.

Harry saw Kisuke come out of a shop on the other side of the alley eating ice cream and waved. Kisuke saw Harry and quickly walked over to them, slurping his ice cream loudly.

"Done with shopping?" The eccentric man asked. Harry noticed that a lot of people were staring at him and he couldn't blame them. Kisuke is in his usual attire which consists of a dark green shirt and short pants that exposed his shins. His old, dark green coat hang over his shoulders and on his head was a striped hat that cast a shadow over his eyes and on his feet were traditional Japanese sandals that elevated his feet several inches from the ground. If Harry didn't know any better, he would have guessed that this man is a bum.

Kisuke's footsteps clicked loudly on the cobblestones as he approached the pair.

"I take it we're done for today?"

Hagrid nodded and waved his hand at all the destroyed shops. Harry felt a bit of guilt as he watched some shop owners cry from having lost their business. He was wondering how much it would cost to compensate for all the damage when an interesting conversation caught his attention.

"Red hair, freckles, second hand robes and books, and the stink of muggle loving fools. Definitely a Weasley."

"Fuck off, Malfoy."

The man with long blonde hair who looks like a woman said another insult at the red haired man and all hell broke loose. The skinny, balding, red haired man launched himself at the feminine blonde man and knocked him to the ground. The two clawed each other's faces and tried to choke the other to death. The red head's wife yelled at him to stop disgracing the family in public while her twin sons cheered on their father. They began to sing in a loud voice, attracting many more spectators.

"Can't you see he's the man, let me hear you applaud. He's more than a man, he's a shiny golden god.

If you think its time to fucking rock,And fucking roll, out of control

Well then you know you've got to rock the block,You fucking suck, My fucking cock

Cause when you rule, you fucking school,

All of the fools, out of their jewels

Cause if you think it's time to,If you think it's time to,If you think it's time to fucking rooooock.

He—is going—to kick your fucking ass,And you know his name is Kyle Gass

Rocking and fucking rolling,And fucking rocking, and fucking rolling—"

"Fred, George, STOP IT AND HELP ME WITH YOUR FATHER!"

"But he looks like he's having fun, mum."

"It's not every day he can let out his frustrations like this."

Her other son who seemed to be about Harry's age just sighed and grabbed a chair to watch the show.

"What's wrong with them?" Harry asked.

"Dat der with the blonde hair is Malfoy. It's best yeh keep outta his way, Harry. Nasty li'l bugger, that one."

Lucius Malfoy have successfully disentangled himself from Arthur Weasley and grabbed his cane. He pulled out the hidden wand and aimed a curse at the Arthur just at the same time that Arthur found his own wand inside his robes. He deftly deflected the curse to the side and prepared to cast a jinx of his own.

**Splat!**

Harry looked on in horror as the deflected curse hit Kisuke's ice cream, causing it to splatter in all directions. He wiped the ice cream from his nose calmly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Harry ran.

He barely reached two meters when he heard Kisuke's calm, yet dangerous voice.

"Sing, Benihime."

===Break===

_That man sure loves his sweets doesn't he?_ Harry's Zanpakutou asked him, amusement clear on her usually cool voice.

_If there is one thing I learned through all the years I've lived with him, it is to not disturb him when he's enjoying his treats._

_But still... for ice cream?_

_Not many people know of this since he is usually easy going but... there was this one time when he got really angry. Remember that one time when he was eating a lollipop on the porch and a black cat snatched it from his hands just as he was about to put it in his mouth? _

_Yeah... he got so pissed off and almost killed the cat. Lucky the cat was skilled enough to avoid him._

_He seems like he knows the cat though._

_True. Otherwise he wouldn't have called it by its name._

_What was its name again?_

_Yoruichi if I recall._

_That's one fancy name for a cat..._

_I know right?_

_Say... we've been talking to each other for two months now. Won't you tell me your name yet?_

Silence...

Harry sighed, knowing he had pissed of his Zanpakutou once again. She always seem to get angry when he tries to catch her by surprise to get her to blurt out her name. Last time she got mad like this, she had pouted for a week and didn't talk to him at all.

What confused him however, was why Kisuke didn't dodge the incoming curse. He knows the man is certainly skilled enough. It would be a simple matter to just get out of the way and save his ice cream.

Harry let the matter drop. Kisuke is a strange man and Harry still haven't figured out all of the his natural tendencies in all the years they have lived together.

After one slash of his Zanpakutou, Kisuke disappeared. Harry later found a letter in his luggage that Kisuke left, telling him he was going back to Japan and to write him letters on his adventures in Hogwarts, and strangely enough, to beware of meddling, old men.

===Break===

Harry looked out the window of Hogwarts Express at the scenery passing by. Though he knows that the old, scarlet steam engine is powered by magic, the speed at which it runs still feels unnatural.

His face split in a wide grin as he held up the magic community's newspaper, The Daily Prophet. The long train ride to Hogwarts is very dull. Though it was mostly due to the fact that he was in the luggage area of the train, hiding in between trunks. He was well aware of the infamy he had in the magical world and didn't want any unwanted attention. Kisuke have told him to have fun but he isn't exactly sure how he'll manage with the damn scar on his forehead. He have asked him to make his Gigai without the scar but the man refused, saying that it would cause a large panic. He also said that the only reason Old Man Yamamoto even considered the possibility of keeping him alive was to ensure there would be no chaos in the side of the living. If people start to panic, 'things' happen and Soul Society didn't want more work to add to their already full load.

Harry reread the newspaper for the sixth time, smiling.

_**Terrorism in Diagon Alley!**_

_On June 24, 1991, a powerful torrent of water devastated the entire west side of Diagon Alley, causing severe injuries and destruction of private property. Many eyewitness accounts claim to have also seen a bright red curse unlike anything they've seen before cleave off the entire second floor of Gringotts Wizarding Bank, resulting in deaths of many goblins and severe injuries to onlookers. Investigations reported that the last person to fire a curse was non other than our beloved pureblood supremacist, Lucious Malfoy. Although he was caught in the act as the last person to cast a spell just before the building was destroyed, he has the audacity to declare himself innocent! Due to the terror incited by this attack from the former Death Eater, Diagon Alley have closed down due to panic and repair efforts._

_The Ministry of Magic have Mr. Lucius Malfoy in their custody and are interrogating him at this moment. Due to his influence however, many members of the Wizengamot have objected to the use of Verisaterum on his interrogation. The truth about his motivations for the act of terrorism is still being debated heatedly._

_This incident however, did raise questions on the reliability of Gringotts' security. If a simple curse was all it took to bring it down, then are we sure our money is really in good hands? On the same day of the terrorism, a break in occurred as well. Suspect Lucius Malfoy is also being interrogated on being the accomplice to this break in as of this moment. Gringotts' Wizarding Bank seems to have lost their touch through the centuries as these recent events damage their reputation. Maybe we should all start thinking of depositing our money into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the only other place safe enough to..._

Harry tensed in his Gigai, ready to attack as he noticed he wasn't alone in the small train car anymore. To his surprise, the intruder collapsed onto one of the trunks in a fit of sobs. He relaxed as he realized it was a girl. The girl seemed to be older than him, probably one of sixth or seventh years. Her most striking feature though, was her bright, purple hair.

Curious as he was, Harry kept to himself, knowing that at times like this, it's best to let the girl believe that no one saw her tears. The girl continued to cry and mutter something about how her boyfriend left her and such. She was completely oblivious to Harry's presence as she continued to weep.

After a good thirty minutes, the girl finally wiped her eyes and composed herself before heading out and leaving Harry alone once again.

===Break===

After a few hours of reading his manga in the dark, Harry felt restless and decided to roam around the train. Due to many people who might recognize him, he practiced one of the few skills he developed over years of following Rukia around.

"Art of the Stalker, Technique Number 2: Dematerialization!"

Harry's spiritual pressure quickly diminished and faded out of existence along with his Gigai. He looked down at himself, pleased to find that he became transparent. He could still see the outline of his soul but he knows that his Gigai and his soul have completely vanished from view. No human nor Shinigami would be able to find him now.

It had taken him three years just to be able to vanish his entire lower half but it became easy from there. In another two months, he was able to take living things (cats) and objects with him as he vanished. He mostly used the ability to stalk Rukia and peep inside people's houses but he quickly grew tired of it and spent most of his days just training. As a result, he had invented many more techniques that he quickly got bored of.

Harry floated through the compartments and through the people sitting in them, relishing the freedom and feeling of lightness that accompanied his transformation. He zoomed through people, walls, pets, and foods, carefully observing the interactions of the people and finding out who is allied with who as well as who are their enemies. He quickly found out about the rivalries between different houses (which he disapproved of) from conversations of the older students and some thought provoking conversations from those about to graduate. According to what he heard from them, he would be considered a half blood (though he doesn't have magical blood pumping in his veins anymore), barely keeping him out of radar of the pure bloods who despise muggle borns and muggles in general. Harry was surprised at all the racism he witnessed in the train. He knows many racist people, yes, but not at this high of a level. His opinion of the wizarding world is gradually turning for the worse with each new piece of information that he collected. He was also quite disgruntled at all the rumors floating around about him and how he defeated Voldemort. Many are also searching for him in the first years compartments, hoping to catch The Boy Who Lived. Harry didn't really care. Although they regarded him as a hero, he could only see himself as the son of an eccentric shop owner. The only reason why he wanted to go along with going to Hogwarts was due to curiosity to see for himself what his biological parents experienced in their childhood. Kisuke has provided him most of the information but Harry still wanted to go, excited of learning of a third world apart from the two he already knew. Harry also knew that there were other magical institutions in japan (Harry found the entrance to one on top of a maid cafe in Akihabara but couldn't enter) and they seem to rank higher than Hogwarts in the quality of education but he wanted to meet some key people in his 'parent's' lives and see what they were like.

Tired of listening to pointless conversations, he stole some books from other first years' bags who bought their school supplies before the "Terrorism in Diagon Alley" incident. He resumed his solid state and entered an empty compartment, eager to learn about this world's type of magic.

===Break===

Albus Dumbledore was excited to finally hear of Harry Potter's reappearance in the wizarding world after years of being secluded in the foreign country of Japan. Japan's magical community have firmly denied him access to the boy and even threatened to prevent him from going to Hogwarts if Dumbledore don't drop the matter. His plans for the boy were foiled for the eleven years that he had not seen the boy but he looked at the bright side of things. He would have the young boy all to himself from now on.

"What was your first impression of him?" He asked Hagrid, seated in a large chair in his office.

"Blimey, I dun like ter ruin yer good mood but... Harry's become a bad boy."

Albus frowned. "How so?"

"Well he kicks people who he firs' met in de balls for one." Hagrid clutched his jewels, making sure they were intact.

"Wait, what?!"

"Not sure if that's how yeh introduce yerself in tha' nation but it sure ain't pleasant."

Albus thought he finally found the reason for the statistic on why Japan has a declining birthrate. If this is how men greet each other, then of course, less and less babies will be born.

"I jus' can't seem to figure him out. One moment he's almos' like a normal kid then he starts actin' like a thug."

Albus' frown deepened. Harry Potter has multiple personality disorder?

"Oh an' he can cast wandless magic too."

"Now Hagrid, I know you like to joke sometimes but..."

"Is true! Gud ole Ollivander even said it himself! None of his wands would choose Harry!"

Albus face palmed. If this was true, then that would throw a wrench into most of his plans for the boy.

_Dammit! Just how much did the Japanese corrupt the boy?!_

"And what about the other errand?" Albus continued, still reeling form the shock of having his plans screwed.

"Was lucky 'nuff that I got it de day 'fore I picked up Harry. Dem goblins wouldn't let no one in 'fter Malfoy blew up they' building. Not ter mention that break in afterwards..."

Albus picked up the small package that Hagrid laid in front of him thoughtfully.

_Well... at least that's one thing taken care of..._

===Break===

"Are the preparations complete?" Old Man Yamamoto asked.

"Yes, I have sent my vice captain to watch over the situation." The captain of Squad 5 answered, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "Though are you sure we should only dispatch one? Judging from what we've seen so far, it's quite strong. I think it is safe to assume that it is as powerful as five captains, judging how it was able to escape Hell. From its history, we can deduce where it will be headed next: Hogwarts."

"And how is that situation in Hell?"

"I'm not sure how it managed to do it but, it seems that 'thing' was able to stop Hell from going after it."

"I see. Let's have Urahara's brat take care of it then."

The captain of the fifth division raised an eyebrow. "You would send an infant, barely eleven years of age to do the work of captains with centuries of experience?"

"Are you questioning my decision?" The old man begin to emit a dangerous aura and the captain of the fifth division knew not to ask any more.

===Break===

The doors of Harry's compartment opened, revealing a bushy brown haired girl.

"May I sit here?" She asked.

"Nope."

"Oh come on. I've been trying to find a compartment without any of those arrogant pure bloods." She opened her copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ as she stood in the doorway, perusing over the section on Slytherins.

"It doesn't help that you're constantly chattering about pointless stuff. Everyone can tell you're a muggle born from the way you handle yourself. If you want to stay out of radar, I suggest you keep to yourself more."

The girl blushed. "How did you know?"

"Passed by your previous compartment earlier. I can clearly see the annoyed expressions of the others inside. It's no wonder they kicked you out."

"But everything's just too interesting! How would you feel after you have been shown a world you never knew existed? Wouldn't you be excited?"

"Nope. It lost its charm after the first time."

She frowned at him. He speaks as if he's seen another world before...

She decided to change the subject. "That accent... are you a foreigner?" She took in his appearance, noting how he looked like a regular British citizen.

"I'm a transfer student from Japan."

She sat down across from him, ignoring his protests, apparently deciding their short conversation made them friends. She opened her book on transfiguration and started reading. Harry tolerated her presence as she was quiet when reading.

Two hours later, the door opened and revealed a blonde haired boy accompanied by two large boys who seemed to be his guards. Harry instantly recognized him as Malfoy, having seen him exerting dominance over other first years through intimidation.

"Let's look for another room. This one stinks of mudbloods." He barely gave the room a sweeping glance before closing the door. His two cronies snickered as they went away.

The brown haired girl blushed in anger at the insult and sputtered more nonsense. Harry didn't listen to her ramblings and focused on some books he nicked from the other students, absorbed at the interesting ways magic could be used. All he learned about Kido was ways to bind or destroy, plus some stalking skills he developed when he was younger. The magic in the textbooks told of ways to charm objects, transfigure, summon, and other variety that would be useful in everyday life, such as the repairing spell and cleaning spell. He would need to teach Ururu how to do those when he gets back...

The rest of the train ride went smoothly after Malfoy stopped by. Tired of perusing books, he brought out one of his favorite mangas, _KinTama._The girl who introduced herself as Hermione Granger looked at him curiously.

"What's the point of reading something like that?" She asked, not impressed at seeing him read the comic.

"You guys don't have manga in England?"

"We do but I'd rather read something that would actually be useful."

Harry tried to contain his anger at this girl's ignorance. _Manga does not qualify as a literature of value?_

"I guess it's a difference in culture then. Where I come from, manga is read not just by children but by adults as well. It does not target a specific group of audiences. The different genres are all appreciated by people of all ages. It has become a part of our culture and I would not tolerate someone like you, who is ignorant of all this, to be commenting about its merits."

The girl hastily apologized, realizing how she had offended a foreigner's culture. Harry sighed and dug out another manga from his collection. He cast a translation spell he learned earlier on it and the Japanese characters transformed themselves into english words.

"Here, this is one's targeted to older people." He handed it to her. "While the title may seem innocent, it has a lot of underlying themes that will disturb even the most composed adults."

She looked at it skeptically and read the title. "Elfen Song..."

After turning a few pages, she yelled at him indignantly about the nudity and called him a pervert. Harry sighed.

"Just read it." He commanded, his voice cold.

The girl shut up for a bit and did as he ordered.

Three hours later...

"T—that...hic..was so sad!" She sobbed, her tears falling onto the manga held in her lap. After reading all twelve volumes, it seems she has gotten quite depressed.

"Poor Nyu... poor Lucy..."

"Different from your usual fairy tale right? As you can see, not all stories end with 'happily ever after'." Harry snickered. The first time he read the manga, the story stuck in his mind for about two months. He was depressed as all the characters he grew to like ended horribly.

He reached for another volume of KinTama to wash away the lingering sadness brought about from remembering the story. Kintoki's antics in his jack-of-all-trades job never fail to bring a smile to his face.

===Break===

"He's really left hasn't he?"

"Now, now Tessai-san. You make it sound like he's never coming back." Kisuke bit into his popsicle, staring at the moon.

"Hmmm... I just have a bad feeling about this..."

===Break===

"Firs' years o'er here!" Hagrid's loud bellow could be heard clearly over the din as the first years crowded about. He searched the crowd for Harry but the boy seems to be absent. Harry made sure to hide himself from the half giant, not wanting him to yell out his name once he's found.

"Hey, I heard Harry Potter is on the train."

"I heard about that too! Wonder where Dumbledore hid him all these years."

"Me and my friend were looking for him in the train but we couldn't find him!"

"You'd think he'd be easy to find because of his scar."

Harry flattened his bangs to hide his scars. He doesn't know why Kisuke insisted not removing it but it's not helping Harry any.

Hagrid gathered all the first years and showed them to the boats. Harry felt thrilled to see the castle in the distance as the boat glided gracefully across the dark waters. He had seen Japanese castles during field trips but western castles are really different. The fact the it also seemed to give off a soft golden glow gave the image a more mystifying feel.

"Beautiful." Hermione said softly beside him. She had stuck to him in a rather annoying manner after they got off the train. "Don't you think so? Wait... you haven't introduced yourself yet. What's your name?"

"Harry Potter."

Harry quickly clamped her mouth shut before she could start her tirade and attract attention. He whispered menacingly into her ear.

"Tell anyone, and I'll kill you." His killing intent washed over her, causing her to stiffen in fear. "Are you gonna keep your mouth shut?"

He kept the pressure until she nodded, her eyes wide in horror. The other boats are staring straight ahead, completely oblivious to the situation in their boat.

_That's harsh. You could have just not answered her you know, instead of threatening her like this.. _

_It was reflex. Why are you here anyway? I thought you were mad at me._

_Hmmpf._

Harry let go of Hermione and noticed a certain wetness on the boat's wooden planks.

_Was I really so bad that I scared her into pissing herself?_

_You just have no tact, don't you._

_I don't see _you_ helping._

Hermione stared at him in terrified silence. He had been pleasant enough on the train but why did he suddenly change? She made up her mind not to stay out of his way during school.

===Break===

Minerva McGonagall rushed to the waiting first years, huddling their robes against the cold night air. She held the sorting hat in her hands.

"Gather round!" McGonagall said, and the first years quickly obeyed her. She led them into the antechamber inside.

"Hey what's that stink?"

"Doesn't it smell like piss?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"SILENCE!"

Hermione blushed and gathered her robes in an attempt to hide the wet spot in her crotch.

_Help her hide it. It's the least you can do._

_Yeah yeah._ _No need to be so naggy about it. _Harry sighed and stood in front of Hermione, shielding her from view.

Hermione grew even more confused by this unexpected act of kindness. She had put him into the 'bad guy' category just five minutes earlier and now he's acting like a gentleman? She couldn't figure him out and it started to bug her. This enigmatic boy that the wizarding world views as a hero just doesn't compute. He's kind one moment and scary the next. Just who is this boy?

"Ah! Trevor!"

A plump boy jumped to the front and scooped up a toad on the ground. A few people snickered and the boy blushed in embarrassment.

"Mr. Longbottom, please refrain from causing shame to yourself your first day."

Draco Malfoy laughed and stood arrogantly, lording over the other first years. McGonagall knew he was trouble. She glanced over the crowd and spotted Hermione Granger clutching her robes, looking embarrassed. She knew that the girl is brilliant and hoped she would enter her house. Another prominent figure was the red head next to her who was sure was a Weasley. The red haired boy seemed to be sniffing the air with a pleased smile on his face. McGonagall remembered them talking about a smell earlier and had to wonder. Does the Weasley boy have a urine fetish?

Harry hid behind a taller person, making sure that the teacher doesn't see him. He had been lucky so far that no one had found him out, partly due to his average looks and the way he used misdirection to turn others attention away from him, a skill he learned after being caught stealing back stolen items from the bullies in his muggle school in Japan.

He didn't want to reveal his presence unless absolutely necessary. He wasn't really good in the face of a lot of attention and would rather avoid getting in such a situation altogether.

McGonagall was disappointed when she couldn't spot the Boy Who Lived in the crowd. Did Potter not plan on coming to Hogwarts?

"Kyaa!" Several people screamed as pale, transparent beings came through the walls, floating in mid air and zooming through the students.

Harry's hand instinctively reached for his Soul Candy before realizing that these weren't souls. He had been itching to do the Soul Burial after leaving Japan. There were considerably less ghosts and Hollows in England and he didn't had time to practice. He's afraid his skills will get dull from the peacefulness.

_What do you think?_

_Obviously not souls. _His zanpakutou replied.

_Yes, they seem more like npcs... they feel real enough to be souls but they don't emit any spiritual pressures..._

McGonagall scolded the ghosts and told them to stop haunting first years and her strictness quickly blew away most of the terrified first years' fears.

"I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts and Transfiguration Professor. As you all know, you will be sorted into Houses as part of the long standing tradition of this school. These Houses will be your family in your stay here and your actions, merits and failures will earn or lose points for your House."

She finished her speech and led hem into the Great Hall where the sorting would take place.

Albus Dumbledore stood up and welcomed the first years and introduced the staff.

"To our first years, welcome! To the rest of you, welcome back! I realize that my start of the year speech usually begins after the sorting but I feel it is more appropriate to say all this before you all settle down and stare at your food. It was suggested to me by our new teachers that people do not pay attention when they are just on the verge of eating so let me say this now." The old man's eyes twinkled as he looked over the first years, no doubt looking for Harry.

The boy in question misdirected the old man's gaze form him by kicking Malfoy in the shins. The boy yelped, turning around to find the perpetrator in vain. The headmaster's gaze passed over Harry without recognizing him. Harry sighed in relief, remembering Kisuke's words to beware of old men. The man's warnings always proved beneficial as it got him out of trouble quite a few times. He sometimes wondered if Kisuke can see the future...

Albus gave up looking for Harry, concluding that he'll see him during sorting anyways and proceeded with his speech.

"Let me remind you all that the Forbidden Forest is off limits to students unless you all want to die a gruesome death. Let it be known that the third floor corridor is off limits for his year as well." His eyes twinkled as he made the threat and continued. "As you all know, our Defense Against the Dark Arts position always becomes empty after every year. Let me introduce this year's instructor, Professor Quirinus Quirrel!"

The man stood up from his seat in the staff table and acknowledged the students. His turban bobbed slightly, and he quickly fixed it back into place.

"Let me also introduce another new professor who will be teaching the new post of Foreign Magics. Transferring all the way from Japan's Soul Magic Academy, please welcome this fine young addition to our staff, Professor Momo Hinamori!"

Cheers erupted from the crowd as the new teacher stood up and gave them an angelic smile.

"I may be new but I'll try my best. Please take care of me everyone!" She gave them a deep bow before sitting back down. Her pale pink _iromuji _kimono, distinctly made her stand out from the rest of the staff who wore black, wizard robes.

The feature that make her seem so out of place however, was her youth. She looked no older than thirteen. Her short black hair was pulled into a bun and held with a cloth. Her deep, brown eyes regarded the students with gentleness, contrasting with the other teachers' strict attitude.

"UWAAAHH! She's so cute!"

"Is she really a teacher? She looks no older than us!"

"Who cares? I bet she's better than Snape."

"Anyone's better than Snape."

"Not Binns. I swear, all that ghost's class is good for is catching up on your sleep."

"You can't deny Professor Hinamori is cute."

"Dude, I think I've fallen in love..."

"You're seventeen! Wouldn't that be considered pedophilism?"

Harry regarded the new teacher with suspicion.

_It's faint, but I can sense her spiritual pressure is a shinigami's, and quite a powerful one at that._

_You're right. Why would they infiltrate this school though?_

"SILENCE!" Albus cleared his throat. "I understand that you are all very excited about your new professors but I'm afraid we cannot delay the sorting any longer." He gestured to McGonagall, then to the stool in front.

McGonagall led the students to the front and took out a scroll. She read the names and gestured them to sit on the stool.

"Hannah Abbot!" The girl walked up nervously to the stool and McGonagall put the sorting hat on her head. After a few seconds of muttering, the hat shouted, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

The Hufflepuff table erupted in cheers and welcomed their new member.

When Hermione's turn came, she gathered her robes, still trying to cover the wet spot as she walked up to the stool. The Sorting Hat took longer than usual before deciding her House.

"Hmm—mmm. What's that smell? Ever since I started this job, no student has ever walked up to me smelling like piss before." The Sorting Hat whispered to her, barely audible, then laughed out loud. Hermione turned beet red and glared at Harry, vowing to herself to give him a good beating later on. "I can see you are more of a book worm than anything else, young lady... though with a hint of courage befitting a Gryffindor but with a lot of vengeance. So a Slytherin? Hmmm... what to do, what to do. Aha! RAVENCLAW IT IS!"

The Ravenclaw table cheered as she joined their nerd club. McGonagall's disappointment clearly showed on her face but she quickly schooled her expression and called the next person.

A few minutes later...

"Harry Potter!"

The Great Hall went dead quiet. No one had even caught a glimpse of the Boy Who Lived before then. They were all shocked to see an average looking eleven year old that didn't seem to have any special attributes at all. Albus was very disappointed at the boy's lack of distinct features that would set him above the rest. Harry was of medium height, doesn't wear glasses, had straight black hair, and had a healthy color to his cheeks. He could fit in as an extra in a movie shooting and be invisible in the background. Albus was beginning to doubt Hagrid's evaluation of the boy's talents.

Harry took his seat on the stool and put on the Sorting Hat.

"Hmmm... smart... very smart... no grand ambition but has great potential... could be very successful in life if talents are applied in the proper way... not lacking courage but prefers to be in the background, observing others make fools of themselves. Very shrewd and blunt... hmm this is a hard one... Wait! Who's Kohakuiro Hime?!"

Harry's eyes narrowed in confusion and then he laughed.

_So that's why you wouldn't tell me your name! You have the same name as a porn star!_

===Break===

A/N:

Whew first chapter done!

I know most of you will ask so let me answer: There are no pairings decided as of yet. Tonks and Hermione appeared first but it's not like they have a huge advantage this early in the game.

As to why Harry can talk to his Zanpakutou without going into its personal world, I have no plans on revealing it n author's notes. Please wait until write into the story, though it will be when we get deeper into the story before I actually reveal that.

About Harry's House... ehem. Will be revealed next chapter.

I try to answer questions using the story itself or I can PM. If I didn't answer any of your questions, then please assume that I have been stumped for an answer. Still, every review is read and appreciated.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.


	3. He's a nutcase, that one

A/N:

Thank you all for the response! It was quite surprising this work received positive replies.

I would also like to thank 0 Jordinio 0 for pointing out my failure on keeping up with the tenses. I'm sorry for this and would punish myself accordingly. I'll also try to keep all things in the past tense but please feel free to point them out if I miss any.

This had me thinking that I really need someone to beta my works. If anyone is interested, please PM me.

Rating changed to M for language.

Without further ado, here's chapter 2. Enjoy.

Chapter 2: "He's a nutcase, that one."

_Hey! That's cheating!_

_I still got it, right?_

_Grrr._

Albus's increasing worry clearly showed on his face as he stared in shock at the boy seated on the stool, laughing madly for some unknown reason. He wasn't the only one. All the professors and students present were staring at him as if he was some sort of lunatic. The only one who seemed to find it normal was Professor Hinamori, who was looking at the young boy with amusement. Murmurs filled the Great Hall.

"What's his problem?"

"He's a nutcase, that one."

"Don't you think You-Know-Who gave him brain damage that day?"

"Could be. He survived the killing curse but he probably still got affected..."

Harry ignored them and focused on his mental conversation with his Zanpakutou.

_Kohakuirohime._

_What?! _She yelled at him, irritated.

_I just hope you're as hot as who you're named after._

_You pervert!_

The Sorting Hat was also laughing by then, finding the internal conversation rather hilarious. This drew in even more whispers from the students, all coming to the same conclusion: the Sorting Hat had gone senile.

"So... lad... It seems I am unable to decide on just what House to put you into. You have the courage of Gryffindor, the cunning of Slytherin, the intelligence of Ravenclaw, and the loyalty of Hufflepuff. Which do you prefer?"

"I'd rather not be sorted into a House actually. Those rivalries make me sick."

"You already know my answer to that."

"Put me where I won't stand out then."

The hat thought for a moment then raised its voice so that everyone could hear.

"In all the centuries that I've lived through, this is the first time that I have been this intrigued. This boy has the qualities that can propel him to stand at the top of the world, should he wish it."

Albus perked up with hope. Maybe he'll get the Gryffindor Hero that he wanted...

Everyone present seemed taken aback also. The Sorting Hat had never talked outside its duties before, let alone shout out praises for everyone to hear.

"It is with my greatest pleasure to present this young lad with an ancient artifact used by one of this school's founders as a welcoming present upon entering his House."

Albus was gaping. An ancient artifact? It couldn't be... The Sword of Gryffindor?!

A sharp intake of breath echoed in the great hall. Everyone stared at Harry with expectation, as if expecting him to turn into a dragon at any moment.

"Potter is getting an artifact from the one of the Founders?!"

"This is blasphemy! Why didn't I get one?!"

"Before that, the hat said he was going to be on top of the world remember? I hope he ends up in our House, I bet he's brilliant!"

"Looks like a dimwitted bloke to me."

"You're just jealous."

"I wonder what artifact he's getting."

"It's Potter, the one who defeated You-Know-Who! I bet he'll get something amazing!"

All eyes focused on Harry with so much intensity that he thought he was going to faint from all the stares.

The Sorting Hat continued his speech.

"And without further ado, here it is!" Harry felt something drop onto his head. Frowning, he took off the hat and shook it, spilling its content onto the floor.

_Oh hell no... THAT F****** A******!_

_Fits you very well, doesn't it? You pervert. _He heard his Zanpakutou laughing at him, bell-like tones echoing loudly in his head.

There, on the cold stone floor, lay the shape of a cylindrical wooden object, slightly pointed at the tip. The object pulsed, as if alive, glowing with an eerie golden light that shone like a beacon in the brightly lit Great Hall.

"Merlin's Beard..." Albus whispered, at a loss for words.

"I hereby present to Mr. Harry Potter, the legendary dildo used by none other than the Founder Rowena Ravenclaw! However...!" The hat paused dramatically. "I also proclaim Mr. Potter as a Hufflepuff!"

_Shit... And I specifically told it I don't want to stand out._

He looked around at them, noting the identical expressions of "WTF?!" on their faces. Even the headmaster, whom Harry assumed should have more composure than this, was visibly stunned.

It was a good two minutes before anyone said anything.

"Merlin's dirty socks... I thought it was only a myth... to think it actually exists... " Professor Flitwick said, leaning closer to see the glowing object from his seat at the staff table.

"Filius, you know what that is?" Dumbledore asked, curious. Even he had no idea the nerd member of the Founders owned such a thing.

"Know about it? Bloody hell, of course I do! That's the legendary Voodoo Dick! It is common knowledge among us goblins about how Rowena Ravenclaw's husband was unable to satisfy her lust after marrying into the Hufflepuff family so she had a goblin crafts master create that for her. It is one of the legendary relics in goblin history that spoke of powerful magic. Even the goblins don't know all that it is capable of."

"But why give a Ravenclaw artifact to a Hufflepuff?" Professor Sprout chimed in.

"We can only guess." Dumbledore answered.

"And since it is a Ravenclaw relic as well as the long lost beacon of hope that goblins have long awaited the return of, I believe my House shall take custody of it." Flitwick declared triumphantly.

"Now hang on a second! Potter was sorted into my House and it shall remain in Hufflepuff!" Sprout objected.

"Are you listening to yourself? How dare you suggest stripping Ravenclaw of its right to its property!" Filius' high pitched voice rose higher, reaching a new set of octaves.

"What do you think Albus? I do think this... Voodoo Dick... could be rather... dangerous." McGonagall stepped in before the matter escalated any further.

"I believe we should keep it a secret from the Ministry of Magic. I shall be taking the item of interest to study and find out its magical properties. Once I have determined that it is safe, I shall have it displayed alongside the Quidditch Cup." Dumbledore obviously wasn't thinking about how well the image of a dildo sitting next to a trophy would look.

Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. _Were these old people seriously just fighting over a dildo?_

_Not to mention they didn't even think to ask for your opinion, seeing as it was given to you, not them. _His Zanpakutou chimed in.

Harry jumped off the stool and picked up the glowing dildo. It vibrated slightly in his hands, the magic cores embedded within humming in response to his reiatsu.

"Professors." He addressed the staff. "I believe that this was given to me, not you, and I have no intentions of handing it over to anyone else. Now if you'll excuse me, there are other students waiting to be sorted. I'm afraid you'll have to postpone your childish bickering over the sex toy some other time." He strolled purposefully down the aisle and seated himself at the Hufflepuff table with people's eyes still glued to him. It was Malfoy who turned their attention away from him, commenting on how he was an attention seeking prat, which gave him the chance to disappear from their radar.

The professors blushed in shame and Dumbledore apologized for the embarrassing display. After a minute, they all forgot about Harry's existence.

Well, except one.

He could tell Hinamori was keeping an eye on him. Her intense gaze sent shivers down his spine as he wrapped the wooden, glowing dildo in several towels. It was hard pretending to be a nobody with all the light shining from the ancient relic.

_Just what the hell am I supposed to do with this?_

_You make it sound like you don't know. _Kohakuirohime snickered.

_Oh shut it. I know you want it more than I do._

_I know someone who would definitely enjoy it._

Harry thought for a moment, then his eyes lit up excitedly.

_Of course! Why didn't I think of her before? She's the most perverted person I know! _Harry smiled fondly, thinking of one of his friends left behind in Karakura Town.

_Are you really sure you should just hand it to her? It _is _an ancient artifact, you know._

_And just what is the original purpose of this artifact? _

Kohakuirohime sighed. _Well, I'm sure she will appreciate the gift._

Harry smiled. At least he knows what to get a certain someone for their birthday.

The rest of the sorting went by without major incidents, not counting how a certain Ronald Weasley shook the hat after his turn, expecting something to fall out, which earned him quite a few laughs. Dumbledore stood after the sorting was done and congratulated the first years. He also repeated the warnings about forbidden areas before he clapped his hands and gave them permission to eat.

Food appeared on the tables by magic and the students dug in enthusiastically. Steaks, pork chops, turkeys and a variety of dishes that Harry didn't recognize popped up in front of him. He tasted them and almost gagged. The fatty oils, high calories and the plain unhealthiness of it was just too much. The taste wasn't bad. It's just that anyone who eats them would have health problems in the future.

He bit his lip in desperation as he looked around for rice, only to find that the main food of his culture was nonexistent in this world.

After forcing himself to eat what the rest of the students were eating, the prefects guided them to the dorms. Harry couldn't sleep that night, pondering just what he had gotten himself into.

===Break===

Classes that required wands were canceled that day for the first years as many of them didn't get the chance to purchase them before the terrorist attack in Diagon Alley. This meant that Transfiguration and Charms had to wait until the next week when the orders for wands would arrive.

Harry's first subject for the day was Herbology with the Gryffindors in the greenhouses with Professor Sprout. His head of house welcomed them enthusiastically as they entered, looking around for him. He had no doubt she would be on to him at all times, trying to convince him to give her the legendary Voodoo Dick. Surprisingly enough, she didn't focus on him throughout the lesson as she taught them. His classmates however, were trying their best to try and befriend him. He couldn't count just how many tried and gave up, deciding it was a lost cause. His Housemates in particular, seemed hurt when he avoided them.

_Your have a pretty difficult set of criterias when it comes to picking friends. _Kohakuirohime commented as he flatly rejected a couple of second year girls who approached him. They walked away with tears in their eyes, causing a few boys to glare at him dangerously.

_Meh. It's not that I'm antisocial. I'm just not interested in... 'normal' people... I find them rather boring._

Kohakuirohime laughed._ True enough. You've been surrounded by weirdos since you were young so it's no wonder you like to hang out with the same lot. _

A lot of his muggle teachers in Japan have scolded him for hanging out with the 'bad kids', saying that it would have a negative effect on him. They didn't want to lose him to the dark side as he was practically a genius. His ability to grasp concepts faster than everyone in the school have stunned them since he would sit in his chair, looking bored during class. They had assumed it was because he didn't understand the material until he got one hundred percents in all the exams.

That was why they were alarmed when he started to hang out with some older, dangerous looking fellows, one with bright orange hair that no Japanese naturally have and another one who was large for his age and of Hispanic descent. He would hang out with them and roam the streets, getting into stupid fights with the local hoodlums.

Harry enjoyed the thrill. He knew that his friends were good people, misunderstood by society because of their looks. Even with the age difference of two years, they still got along pretty well. They also did not ask about his personal history, letting him divulge the information at his leisure. Their tomboy friend however, scolded them a lot for being a bad influence on him. Though she had to agree that his fighting skills are excellent.

Harry smiled, remembering the good old days. Walking triumphantly home with them with the sinking sun behind their backs after a good day's victory was one of his most treasured memories. He had told them that he was going to transfer overseas before he left. The two were surprised but respected his decision, telling him to write back when he can.

After Herbology was free period since Transfiguration was canceled. Harry went back to his room and tore out a sheet from his notebook. He had brought some along after learning that wizards use parchment and quills. Writing back to his muggle friends using parchment would definitely raise suspicion and he didn't want that. He paused, thinking of what to write. Smiling slightly, he wrote.

_To Kuro-nii and Yasu-nii,_

_Yahoo! Hope you guys are enjoying your days back in Japan because I most certainly am _not_ over here. My first day here at the school here in England was boring. Do you know why? Because you guys aren't here! The people here are just not as interesting as you all are. The food is unhealthy as well. Can you believe they don't even have rice? I swear, I'll find out who's responsible for this and strangle them until they make some udon or better. _

_Anyway, I doubt you'll be able to send me a reply to this since the location of the school is pretty secluded. I'll try to keep you guys updated on my status so don't worry about me and try to keep out of trouble (or not!). Please send my regards to Arisawa-san as well and please don't worry her too much._

_Potter Harry_

Harry reread the letter, thinking of what else he should add. After nothing came to mind, he took out a hell butterfly that Urahara have developed for him. He told it to find Kurosaki, and drop the letter in his mailbox.

_I wonder how Ichigo and Chad are doing... _Kohakuirohime said.

_They're probably still wreaking havoc and getting in fights. Though I like them that way._

_Hmm... You should send a letter to _her_ as well._

_Right... she must be worried since I forgot to tell her I transferred overseas. I can imagine she's pulling her hair out, trying to sell her doujinshis by herself._

_I bet she'll be thrilled to receive your present._

_But that's a long way from now. I suppose I could write her a letter on why I stopped coming. She can be rather hopeless sometimes._

Harry took out another hell butterfly and recorded his message.

_To Yadomaru Lisa-san,_

_Shisho, I'm sorry I haven't told you this before leaving but I have transferred to a school here in England. I'm afraid you'll have to endure this year's comiket without me. I hope you sell out your erotic manga this year as well. Good luck!_

_Speaking of manga, do you know of a way to get a subscription of Jump overseas? _

_Potter Harry_

He released the hell butterfly, knowing that Lisa will have no problem getting his message. She was after all, a retired Shinigami. Or so she said.

Their first meeting was a rather awkward one. It happened in the adult section of a bookstore with both of them fighting over the last copy of an erotic magazine. Neither would let go, which of course, resulted in the magazine ripping. The shopkeeper have scolded them for two hours and threatened not to let them into his store again. He also asked why in the hell someone as young as Harry would want such a magazine when he hasn't even hit puberty yet.

They had left the book store with sighs of relief, having finally been freed from the lecture. It was then that they both noticed each others reiatsu. Harry could tell she was a Shinigami and he knew that she could also tell he was the same. However, he felt she was... different... from the other Shinigamis. She sighed with relief when he told her he was Urahara's son and asked him if he wanted to learn more about the erotic genre.

Harry's love for manga (especially the erotic type) had grown since then. As Lisa's 'apprentice', he helped her write her own doujinshis and sell them at the comiket.

_You'll be late if you don't hurry up. _Kohakuirohime's reminder jerked him back to the present.

_What class do I have next?_

_Potions, I believe._

===Break===

"You are all here to learn about the subtle art of potion making." Snape began, inconspicuously looking around the room as if searching for something. "I don't expect you all to understand about the beauty of it but I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death... that is, if you're not like the lumps of walking idiocy that I usually have to teach."

Harry smiled, starting to like the man.

"Speaking of idiocy, I believe we are missing a rather... arrogant person who thinks he can miss the first day of class and expect to pass my course. The person I'm talking about is of course, Harry Potter."

"But I _am_ here, professor."

Snape jumped back reflexively as he finally noticed Harry sitting in the desk in front of him. The rest of the class didn't seem to notice him as well even though he has been sitting there the whole time. They were just as shocked as Snape was.

"You really have no presence, do you, Potter?"

"I suppose not professor. I've been told that I could walk inside the women's restrooms and nobody will be able to notice me. Though I don't do that of course." Harry gave Snape a sheepish smile, a smile that sent chills down Snape's spine.

"A characteristic that would be rather inconvenient for someone who loves his fame like you... Now tell me, Potter, what is the purpose of the bezoar?"

Harry saw a hand shot up form the corner of his eye. It was Hermione Granger, the girl who had pissed herself in the boat.

"Perhaps _she_ would like to answer, professor." He pointed at her. Her face lit up excitedly at the chance to answer.

"I believe I was asking _you_, Potter." Snape said, making Hermione blush in embarrassment.

"As you wish, professor. A bezoar is a stone taken from a goat's stomach. It can be used to cure poison."

Snape nodded once and turned away, reevaluating Harry based on the new information he gathered. The boy is nothing like his father at all. While James Potter was arrogant and liked to be the center of attention, Harry was humble and polite. He also gave others a chance to take the glory for themselves. The most distinct difference however, was Harry's natural ability to become almost nonexistent.

The rest of the class went by with Snape taking careful note of Harry's behavior as he lectured. It was difficult however since even though he knew he's there, it was still very easy for his gaze to pass the over the boy and miss him completely.

===Break===

"So what do you think of him, Severus?" Dumbledore asked as he chewed on a lemon drop.

"I...don't... _hate_... him." Snape answered hesistantly, still in disbelief over his emotions.

Dumbledore chuckled. It was a surprise and a relief to hear that Harry was somehow able to avoid Snape's grudge over his father.

"How are the preparations coming along on the _other_ front?"

"Completed."

"Good. Quirrel is not the same man he was the last time I spoke with him when I interviewed him for this job. Make sure to keep an eye on him at all times, Severus."

"Understood."

===Break===

Momo giggled excitedly as she looked around her office. The walls were decorated with calligraphy, a gift from her captain as they bid farewell. She had also brought some of her favorite books from his shelves in Soul Society as well as some kido manuals. She knew she couldn't just teach kido to just anybody so she made alternate plans for that as well. It was a nice and relaxing change of pace to be stationed in the world of the living after living most of her life in Soul Society. Although she was only acting as a teacher for her mission, she still felt it was a good opportunity to have fun. She rechecked her lesson plan for the next day, making sure that everything was perfect. As far as missions go, this one seemed to be a rather pleasurable experience.

She smiled as she reminisced her days in the West Rukongai with her 'brother', . He had been so cute back then and always protective of her. Now,... well... he's still adorable... but in a cold sort of way. She knew he didn't like Captain Aizen a lot but she knows he'll understand her captain someday.

It thrilled her to find she will be teaching as part of the mission. Her love for books led her to want to share the knowledge contained within to others. She had actually tried teaching but it ended in failure. Her first victim... er, student, was none other than Renji Abarai. She had tried to explain to him the theory and concepts about Kido to try and help him at least stop blowing himself up but he was too stupid to learn, greatly disappointing her and crushing her confidence in her ability to pass on knowledge to others. Now that she's actually landed a teaching position, she was excited to get a second chance.

_Wish me luck, Shiro-chan!_

===Break===

_I've been waiting such a long time for this. I finally get to enter you!_

_Stop making it sound so perverted! And you're not entering _me,_ you're entering my realm!_

_Same exact difference._

Harry was excited. His Zanpakutou is finally willing to teach him his Shikai.

He decided it was best to do it on the roof of the castle, away from all the meddling students. He didn't want any interruptions when he's training.

He closed his eyes and meditated, letting his consciousness flow into the katana held on his lap. The world disappeared from his senses as he entered his inner world.

Harry gasped, awestruck that such a beautiful woman was living inside him all this time. Her amber colored hair flowed down her back in luscious waves, framing her elegant face. On her head was a wreath of green leaves. Adding to her regal presence was a pure white throne carved from a white material. He found himself drooling before he could stop himself as he ogled at her naked, lightly tanned body. A body whose form perfectly fit the golden standard. If he was to describe her in a single word, he'd say she's a goddess.

_Yup. Definitely a goddess._

"You can talk normally in here, you know." She smiled at him, causing his heart to miss a beat.

"Right..."

Harry approached her cautiously, trying very hard to unglue his eyes from her voluptuous curves, or more specifically, from her bountiful chest.

He took a step forward and found his foot sinking slightly in the soft terrain. He was so focused on her that he didn't notice his surroundings at all. He looked around wildly, his mind reeling from disbelief.

"Are we... standing on clouds?" He breathed out.

"Not the same kind of cloud that exist in your world, but yes, we are in the skies, walking on pure white fluffiness."

The faint light of the setting sun gave her a soft golden glow, adding a divine feel to her already godly beauty.

"Wait, why are you naked?"

"Because you're a pervert."

"Come on, I can't be that bad..."

"You're comparing yourself to Lisa. If set yourself against others your age, you'd be considered a freak."

"Meh I guess you're right. So... let's get this started."

She nodded and pulled a sword that was hanging in the air. After Harry's mind got over the shock, he noticed that they were surrounded by swords floating loosely in the air, swords numbering in the thousands. Upon closer inspection, all of them were identical, an exact replica of the one Kohakuirohime pointed at him. It was a very thin blade, thinner than Urahara's sword cane and slightly curved. It looked more like a needle than anything else. From its hilt dangled a small cross held by a short, golden chain.

"Used primarily for thrusts?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Nope. I am a slicing weapon, not that much different than what you're used to using so don't worry about that."

"But you look so... fragile." He said, doubtfully.

She glared at him and in an instant, had the blade at his throat, ready to kill. He shunpo'ed away, feeling a tiny trickle of blood where the blade aiming at a second ago. He didn't feel it touch his skin at all. The blade was a good three inches away when he escaped, wondering just how it had cut him.

He drew a sword from the floating sets in the air, searching for the opponent.

**Clang! Fwip. Fwip. Splishhh...**

Harry's eyes widened in pain as her razor thin blade cut his cleanly in half before chopping both of his arms off in one fluid motion. Blood gushed from the gaping stumps, staining the pure white terrain in hellish red. He fell with a thud, bleeding profusely.

Her tall, majestic figure was the last thing he saw as he fell into darkness.

===Break===

"Oi, wake up! We don't have all night here."

Harry opened his eyes, waking to the softness that gently suspended him in the skies. His Zanpakutou leaned over him, her bare breasts hanging over his face. He was using her lap as a pillow.

Blood gushed out of his nose and he fell back into unconsciousness.

===Break===

"For heaven's sake, get up you damned brat!"

Loud, painful slaps jerked Harry awake, vaguely remembering his arms falling off. He stared at his hands and was surprised they were miraculously still there.

"Urrrgghh." He stood up shakily, using his Zanpakutou to steady himself.

_Wait... my Zanpakutou?_

In his hands was a copy of the long, thin blade that nearly killed him moments ago. He gave it a few swings and was surprised at the weapon's lightness. Amber colored spiritual energy pulsed along its length, giving it an even more dangerous feel.

"What else can you do?" He asked her.

"Hmmm... well, as you can see, I can cut through most materials, even reiatsu and kido. Though I'm best at piercing. I can pierce anything. And I mean _any—thing._"

"What's does this reiryoku on the blade do then? You're a kido type Zanpakutou, right?"

She smiled mischievously. "Those are used for special attacks."

"Special attacks?"

"As you said, I'm a kido type. My ability to cut and pierce are all based on your spiritual power, though that is only a small portion of my abilities."

"But if someone has more power than me, wouldn't you be useless?"

"Nope. Just because they have more, doesn't mean they have higher quality. From what I can tell, your reiatsu may not be as much as Urahara's but it definitely has better quality."

"Better quality?"

"It means your reiatsu is very dense. It was already dense when you were born but after all those weird techniques you created, your reiatsu became even more condensed. Think of it this way. Which would be harder to move in, a pool of water, or a pool of honey?"

"Honey." Harry said, finally realizing what she was telling him.

"Exactly. You only need to emit about one one-hundredth of a normal person's reiatsu to achieve the same effect."

"Why am I different though?"

"Hell if I know."

"I see. Well I guess that's fine. Now teach me how to use these _special attack_ of yours."

"I won't teach you until you until you've proven yourself to me in battle. The techniques are dangerous and until you have defeated me into submission or I decide you have what it takes, I won't teach you. My strongest attack should not be used excessively. Although it doesn't drain that much from you, it can alter the world's balance. Anything it hits gets erased completely. It removes what it hits from the soul cycle. If used on Hollows it doesn't purify them. It just destroys them."

"Wicked." Harry said in awe.

"Prepare yourself." She grabbed another sword and assumed a dual sword stance. As she was about to attack, her eyes widened in shock. "—hey, how did that dildo get in here?!"

Harry looked at where she was pointing and his jaw dropped.

Thirty meters from them shone the familiar golden glow of the Voodoo Dick. It hung suspended in the air, pointing its tip at them mockingly.

"How did it get here? Isn't this dimension secluded to others except us?" Harry asked, confused.

Kohakuirohime approached the dildo cautiously, as if afraid that it would bite. She lightly tapped it with the tip of her blade to see how it would react.

**Bzzzzztt...**

The dildo vibrated and whizzed around as if it had a will of its own. It rose fifty meters in the air as the vibrations intensified along with the bright golden light that it was emitting. The brightness almost blinded them and had them look away until it stopped.

Harry opened his eyes and found the dildo disappeared. In its place was an ancient, humongous, golden, metal rod with three protrusions set at equal angles along its shaft. Each one bore labyrinth-like patterns. The handle, if it could be called that, was covered in black.

"W—what is this?" Harry's voice broke. Even if the giant 'thing' looks so old and battered, he still felt a noble presence emanating from it, demanding absolute obedience.

"It... looks like a key..." His Zanpakutou answered in an equally awed voice.

_A key? To what?_

Kohakuirohime's eyes lit up in realization. "Aha! It seems like it has the power to open and enter dimensions. The reason why no one else can enter the inner world is it's set in a different plane of existence from the real world, each one unique to the Shinigami. If that thing can enter here, then we can only conclude that it has the power to open and enter dimensions."

"The hell were the goblins thinking, making this?"

"I highly doubt this is goblin made."

"Should I tell Urahara about this?"

"Of course. He might know what to do with it."

"Guess Lisa's not getting her dildo for her birthday then." Harry sighed in disappointment.

===Break===

"Urahara-san... that's... looks like shit just hit the fan..." Tessai bore a grim expression as he received Harry's message via the hell butterfly.

Urahara shook his head in wonder. "As much as I don't want to believe it, it looks like we found the key to the Spirit King's Royal Palace. Who knew that the King's Key, which has the absolute power to open any dimension, would disguise itself as a dildo?"

===Break===

A/N:

Thank you all for reading this crappy piece of jibberish that I call a story and hope you all enjoyed reading it.

Until next time,

UglyFingers


	4. You're evil!

A/N:

Thank you all for the response! You guys are great!

Disclaimer: see prologue

Rated M as usual.

Chapter 3: "You're evil!"

Harry woke up to the softness of his Zanpakutou's lap after his umpteenth 'death'.

"That was quite an improvement." She complimented him. "Though I'd never imagine you to use that attack as your first move in combat just after learning it."

"Urrggh." Harry moaned as the pain from various lacerations still lingered on his body. Her dual sword style of combat was still new to him. All of his training up to that point had been thrown out the window as he struggled to learn the new style. He was making good progress as she finally accepted the fact that he was ready to learn the first set of Kido abilities she possessed.

His first try on using it in actual combat didn't go so well, however, as she still 'killed' him quite easily. The sealed Voodoo Dick (or King's Key as many prefer to call it) hung in the air three meters away from them, its tip pointed at them while it vibrated slightly. Harry could have sworn it was laughing at him.

"Oh, shut up." He glared at it which only caused it to vibrate more violently.

Harry found the that dildo seemed to have a will of its own. He had somehow managed to convince it to stay in his inner world. Kohakuirohime created a house for it to dwell in. The Voodoo Dick was quite happy to receive special treatment as a guest, something that it had never experienced before. Urahara told him to make it as comfortable as possible and to watch over it as it was too dangerous to fall into others' hands.

"But to think that such a thing existed..." Harry said, still in awe of the ancient relic's power. "The power to open anything! Imagine how many girls' legs you could open with this! Even those megane and innocent types would be helpless against its power!"

His Zanpakutou face palmed.

"You get the power to go open anything and all you can think about is how to get inside girls' pants? If it was me, I'd break into banks and get rich."

Harry stared at her, horrified. "You're evil!"

"The pot calling the kettle black?"

"Hey, no matter how perverted you think I am, at least I don't go out there attacking people."

"Hmpf. It's only a matter of time before you do."

"In my defense, let me say that all men are perverts. The only difference is that some hide it better than others."

Kohakuirohime sighed. There was just no helping the boy. Lisa had corrupted him too much.

"I've been wanting to ask this but, the other blade you're using... why is it shorter than the other?"

"Because it's not me. And it's too dangerous for me to introduce her to you. The way you are now, you'll probably sexually harass her to no end."

"Wait... I have two Zanpakutous?"

"Yes, you just haven't been able to materialize her yet."

"Does she also have your sexy body? Ow!"

Harry's rubbed the spot on his cheek where her slap connected. A bruise in the shape of her hand began to form.

"I will not tolerate that behavior against my little sister!" She said hotly.

"It's not like I'm going to rape both of you, you know. Since you are both a part of me, wouldn't that just be another form of masturbation?"

**Smaack!**

The slap threw him to the ground, his neck twisted at an awkward angle.

"Okay, okay! I promise not to lay a hand on her." Harry threw up his hands in defeat. At least he had enough sense to know he had gone too far.

"And keep your voice down. I don't want her to wake up with you here."

Harry nodded. He didn't want his Zanpakutou to get pissed at him again.

"Let's continue." She assumed her stance and Harry did the same.

Without a word, they attacked each other, four blades flashing flawlessly in a rhythm of attack and defense. Harry parried a vertical slash, redirecting the force and trajectory to barely miss his shoulder. At the same time, he thrust with his right, only to be parried in the same way as he did earlier. The sword style she was teaching him consisted of reading the trajectory and power behind each attack and use the minimum amount of strength to redirect and control the movement of the opponent's blade. Once trapped in the tai chi-like movement of the defending sword, the opponent would lose control of the weapon, leaving them open to the attacks of the other sword. It was ideal for fighting opponents much stronger than him.

Harry suddenly felt a large surge of reiatsu from Kohakuirohime as she poured it into her blades, causing them to brightly emit an amber glow. Harry knew what was coming and yet he was unable to stop his imminent defeat.

Kohakuirohime lunged at him, her sword too fast even for Harry's trained eye to follow. The next thing he knew, she was already stepping back from him. Blood spurted from his chest from where she had struck him. He could feel the reiatsu her blade left in his body and prepared himself for the excruciating pain that was sure to follow.

He barely heard her say the name of the attack as the reiatsu inside him expanded and transformed into hundreds of blades that grew out of his body, puncturing all of his internal organs and proceeding to protrude out of his body. Pain erupted from every part of him as the blades dug themselves out.

_Dammit! Why the hell are her attacks so brutal?_

Harry cursed as he lost consciousness once again.

===Break===

Ronald Weasley knew he was in deep shit, shit deeper than he had ever been in in his entire life.

He was given a mission, a mission that he was failing in the most horrible way. His mother had told him to befriend a certain Harry Potter upon his arrival at Hogwarts. Needless to say, he had protested and whined to the best of his ability. He even went as far as running away from home, only to be nearly hugged to death by his mother after he was found and brought back home.

He grimaced at the memory as he stabbed his fork at the sausage on his plate. Why should he even try be friends with the Boy-Who-Lived anyways? As far as he knows, the bastard was a rich, attention seeking prat. Why else would he hide from the magical community for a decade if not to highlight his comeback?

That, however, was only a part the problem here. Ronald had a mission, a mission requested by the greatest wizard of all time, Albus Dumbledore, himself to the Weasleys. The old man told them of his concerns of Harry Potter's upbringing. The boy had grown up in a culture very different from his parents' and Dumbledore simply wouldn't allow the hero of Britain's magical community to be snatched away by people who don't know his value. Thus, he had pleaded to the Weasleys to try and steer they boy to the proper ways of his people and for the Weasleys to eventually swallow him into the family.

Ron hated the idea that he was being used by the old man and even more so since his job was to befriend the one person whom he felt the most jealousy to. If not for the fact that Dumbledore was paying him out of the vault of Harry's inheritance from his parents, Ron wouldn't even had taken the job.

It had already been a week since the school term started and Ron hadn't made any progress with Harry yet. It was difficult enough to speak with him during classes but the fact that they were in different Houses made the matter even worse. Dumbledore had assured him that Harry would definitely be sorted into Gryffindor. Well... that just shows to prove that the old man cannot be right all the time. He also knew, however, that the old man wouldn't let him get away with that as an excuse.

Ron started to break into cold sweat as he thought of how his income would be stopped if he doesn't start to produce results.

He surveyed the Hufflepuff table as he tried to get a glimpse of the target. It took him nearly ten minutes to actually find him, only to find out he was in the same spot that he had looked over at least twenty times. Ron swore inwardly. The target's lack of presence was just too much of a hindrance to work against.

He watched Harry slowly eat his food in order to gain some clue on they boy's personality. The Hufflepuffs seemed to have accepted the fact that Harry preferred to be alone and didn't try to make long conversations with him. The boy was so polite in his speech and mannerisms that they didn't feel offended at all when they spoke to him and asked why he don't want to be friends. He told them that while they are nice people, he found it more peaceful to be alone.

_More like he thinks he's too good to be friends with the rest of us. _Ron thought as he let his jealousy over the boy's fame and fortune fuel his rage.

He watched the Boy-Who-Lived closely as he received a large package that floated by itself. The other students looked at it with undisguised curiosity as well. Whatever delivered the mail was certainly no owl. The identity of the invisible carriers would soon be the talk of the school.

Harry carefully unwrapped the delivery after he stowed the hell butterflies safely away. A bright smile lit his face. Enclosed with a letter was last week's and that day's issue of Jump as well as several manuscripts that needed screen tones and editing.

He unfolded the note and read the message.

_No need to thank me for sending you this week's issue of Jump. I'm done reading them anyway. I need these manuscripts back by the day after tomorrow since the deadline is Friday. Oh, and beware of old men. They _love_ little boys like you. Keep your butt sealed at all times._

—_Yadomaru Lisa_

Harry looked around nervously as he clenched his ass in fear as he searched for the ominous old man that Lisa talked about. If both Urahara and Lisa were warning him about dirty old men, then they must surely know something that he didn't. The only one who fit that description, however, was Albus Dumbledore.

"Harry, are you okay? You look pale."

Harry turned to see Hannah Abbott look at him with worry. The rest of the Hufflepuffs seemed concerned as well. Little question marks seemed to pop off the sides of their heads.

"Oh, it's nothing. The letter surprised me is all."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine... Say, what can you tell me about Dumbledore? I'm fairly knew to this whole magic business so I'm not really sure about the key people in society..."

"He's the greatest wizard of all time!" Ernie Macmillan answered quickly, glad to finally be able to talk to Harry and hopefully earn himself some points to increase his chances as Harry's potential friend.

The rest of the Hufflepuffs quickly caught on and started to bombard him with information.

"Dumbledore led the fight against You-Know-Who. He was also said to be the only one that You-Know-Who was afraid of"

"He's the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and the Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards as well."

"He's the toughest wizard out there, even in his old age."

"I heard he was so tough that underneath his beard, there is no chin, just another fist."

"He is also well known as a muggle lover."

"A what lover?" Harry asked with a slight frown.

"Muggles. Those who could not use magic."

"I mean what age group does he usually show affection to?" Harry was praying now, praying to whoever was up there to ease his growing paranoia.

"Umm... My aunt told me he was especially tender to children." Susan Bones answered.

Harry face palmed. He held his head in his hands as swear poured down his face.

"Harry? Harry, what's wrong!"

"I—it's nothing..."

_So there was a pedophile in this place after all. A pedophile by the name of Albus Dumbledore. _Harry thought bitterly, determined to avoid the headmaster's as much as possible.

===Break===

Harry spent his days touring the castle whenever he had time after finishing the piles of homework that the professors seemed to take sadistic pleasure in giving them. He had already found the kitchen and ordered the house elves to make him Japanese cuisine for his meals. It quickly became popular in their table after he let some of his classmates try it out. Soon, even Gryffindor and Ravenclaw ordered the same thing. Dumbledore, however, commented that he didn't notice any difference in the taste at all. Harry concluded that the old man's taste buds have gone senile along with his mind. The teachers liked it as well and Momo in particular gave him a thumbs up from her seat in the staff table as the most of the food were replaced. Only the Slytherins rejected the idea of change and stuck with the regular menu.

_Oh well... it's their loss._

He was particularly interested in the magic that the house elves use. It was different in that it seemed to defy the laws of magic for wizards. First of all, they didn't require wands. They also seemed able to apparate inside the castle walls even though it said in _Hogwarts: A History_ that the wards prevented this. It was this curiosity that led him to befriend the house elves that worked in the kitchens.

"What can Taffy do for master today?" The house elf bowed deeply. Harry was instantly surrounded by the short, squeaky creatures as he entered.

They were practically in the palm of his hands. All it took was for him to treat them as he would any other person and they immediately took a liking to him. Apparently, it was the first time anyone treated them with kindness.

"Oh, please don't mind me. I just came here to thank you all for doing such a great job with the food. Everyone really enjoyed it. Great job and thank you." He smiled at them warmly.

"Oh it was nothin' sir!" The house elves all blushed in embarrassment at the compliment.

Taffy snapped her fingers and a tea tray appeared out of thin air, followed by a pot and cups. She set them on a table as the rest of the crew pulled Harry along, determined not to let him leave without eating anything.

"That was so cool! How did you do that?" Harry exclaimed as another elf popped up under his elbow, bearing scones.

"Elf magic sir!"

"Can you teach me?"

An awkward silence formed...

"Umm... but Harry Potter, sir... You is no house elf!"

"Fueeh? But I like you guys! You're my only friends in this school! I'd rather be with you guys than those snotty brats that you serve."

Cries ran throughout as the group as they wiped their eyes and tackled Harry to the ground, their little limbs hugging him fiercely. Harry endured the crying, snot filled, hugs for half an hour before the elves were finally sated.

And so they began to teach him.

Throughout his observations of people casting spells, he noticed the caster's reiatsu enter the wand, which acted as some sort of translation and amplification device, in order to cast the spell. He also noticed that these people have reiatsu slightly greater than their non magical counterparts. It was due to this that they were able to perform what they call as magic. However, they didn't seem to have nearly enough to be able to see him in his Shinigami form. Only Dumbledore and the teachers have enough to actually be spiritually aware.

It was quite ironic that the house elves have reiatsu almost on the level of a Shinigami while the wizards whom they served were barely above a normal human's. In Harry's opinion, the house elves should have been the ones who ruled over humans instead of the other way around.

The house elves seemed to be born with the magical abilities of their parents ingrained into them. Thus, they weren't able to give him exact details on how to perform their brand of magic. However, growing up with Urahara gave Harry the ability to analyze the structures of reiatsu in order to figure out how the elves' magic worked. It only took a few demonstrations for him to duplicate what the house elves were doing.

He left the kitchens, satisfied at the knowledge he had gained.

===Break===

"Good morning everyone!" Professor Hinamori beamed at them as they entered her room. Calligraphy as well as various drawings decorated her walls. Paintings of different parts of the world hung all over the place. Deserts, igloos, tropical forests, and skyscrapers were depicted in colored clarity.

"My name is Momo Hinamori and I will be teaching you all about foreign magic. You all have to understand that the world is a large place and magic exists in various forms in different cultures. The predominant form of magic in Italy, for example, is a system in which all magic exists through religion. It is only accessible to the members of the church. Their brand of magic have religious origins and the rituals performed to use it usually consist of citing verses and incantations relating to the religious figure whom the magic relates to. Of course, as in all cultures, they also have their own set of spells that are sealed off even from the elites of the elite. Magic that was deemed too dangerous for mortals to obtain. These were recorded in 103,000 grimoires and sealed inside the Index Librorum Prohibitorum. No one knows what exactly this index is but it has kept these magics hidden quite effectively."

The class listened with fascination as she cited different cultures that used different types of magic. She told them about Hoodoo or folk magic, Onmyuudo, thamaturgy and a variety of others that Harry had only heard about in books.

"Are there any questions?" She asked as she finished the lesson. Harry was disappointed she didn't mention Kido at all.

_Probably because none of her students would be able to do it anyway._

_I guess..._

Several hands rose.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Momo blushed. She sputtered for a few seconds as she tried to find an answer. This only gave the students time to keep up the barrage.

"How old are you?"

"You must still be a virgin right?"

"Will you go out with me?"

"Why did you move here?"

"Are you a Death Eater?"

"Do Japanese schoolgirls really wear sailor uniforms?"

"What are your hobbies?"

"Do you prefer to spit or swallow?"

_Idiots. She's probably centuries older than all of you. _Harry thought with amusement.

Momo turned beet red and even redder as the questions poured out. Oddly enough, it was Malfoy who interrupted the stream.

"Idiots. I don't see why you are all interested in a foreign barbarian like her. She's ugly and she's probably not even of noble blood."

The class held their breath. No one had dared insult a teacher right in their face before. They also knew, however, about Malfoy family's influence in the ministry. If Draco wanted to, he could probably get away with whatever he wants.

"Her lecture is also boring as hell. I'd rather listen to Binns than sit in her class. Right guys?" He looked around at the other first years, who nodded nervously.

This last comment seemed to strike Momo the hardest. Her first lesson was a failure. She didn't even notice that people actually hated her class until this blonde boy pointed it out. She was on the verge of tears.

"The only thing she's good for is to be a servant for a noble family. What do you say, _professor_? Why don't you be my slave? My _father _ can make sure you get registered properly. I will make sure to take _proper_ care of you." Malfoy continued, enjoying the panicked look on the young professor's face.

_Holy shit... He said all that just to get her all to himself. What a bastard! I was right! All men _are_ perverts!_

_Calm down, Harry. Remember your goals. Didn't you promise to yourself you wouldn't stand out so you could work on you grand ambition in the shadows? You already have an small army of house elves. It would be quite annoying if people start paying attention to your actions and discover your plans._

_I know but... _

Malfoy strode to the teacher confidently, his wand in his hand. Momo recovered herself and readied to defend herself if necessary.

_Hime._

_Wut?_

_What would happen if a teacher attacks a student?  
_

_They'd get fired._

_I see._ _I feel bad for her but... this might be to our advantage. She's the only one who knows what I am. With her out of the way, I'd be able to move more freely._

_I kinda feel sorry for her... You're evil. You know that?_

_Che._

Malfoy drew himself up to his full height, though all that did was put him at the same height as her. He reached out to touch her hair, his eyes looking smitten.

"_Hado 1: Thrust!"_

**Boom! Crash!**

===Break===

_**Hogwarts Professor Attacks Student!**_

_Professor Momo Hinamori, Hogwarts Foreign Magics Professor, was convicted of assault on a young boy yesterday during her class. Many witnesses claim that the boy, Draco Malfoy, age 11, asked a simple question which the professor was unable to answer. To hide her ineptness, she fired a curse at the innocent boy, knocking him into the wall and breaking his ribs. The verdict reached by the Wizengamot entitled the young teacher to a ten year sentence in Azkaban Wizarding Prison..._

Amelia Bones, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, hurled the paper in disgust, breaking her office's window. She quickly repaired it with irritation as she mulled over the recent course of events.

_Susan told me the teacher was only defending herself! The Prophet's lying as usual. The boy had his wand pointed at her throat for gods sakes! And the ministry dares convict her and send her off to Azkaban for defending herself from sexual harassment?! What on earth is this world coming to? Don't they realize that by imprisoning a foreigner, we could find ourselves in the brink of war with a foreign power?Even Lucius Malfoy should know better than... oh wait, who am I kidding? That bastard will do anything to preserve his reputation... He even went as far as bribing the Minister of Magic to clear all charges of his attack to Gringotts! And what the hell is Dumbledore doing while one of his teachers is being carted off to Azkaban?He should have more sense than to start an international conflict! Has he finally gone senile?!_

A knock on her door interrupted her thoughts. She sighed and told them to come in, glad that they interrupted her silent rant. Anymore thinking would surely give her a headache.

Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody came in with Kingsley Shacklebolt. They stood at attention and saluted. They added several wards to the room to prevent eavesdropping and the like as they waited for the rest of the party to arrive.

People started to trickle into the office. They mostly consisted of old and battle hardened aurors. There were also a few high ranking ministry officials in the mix. She surveyed them with satisfaction, pleased at the power of her small army. The grim faced people stared at her expectantly, waiting for her to speak.

"I regret to inform all of you that the Ministry of Magic has overstepped its boundaries and if we do not do something soon, we may find ourselves destroyed and at the mercy of a foreign nation. We have, for many years, allowed the bigotry to run rampant under our own eyes as we gazed silently from the sidelines. We cannot endure this any longer! As an upstanding British citizen, I cannot allow this nation that we have fought so hard to rebuild from the ashes of the Dark Lord's reign of terror decades ago to be ruined by the blunders of the ruling class. My friends, it is time we take action and bring change to our government with out own hands. In response to our own government being a danger to us, its people, I hereby create this organization to battle this injustice. It is time for us to bring down the current Ministry with a combination of dark magic and gum disease." Amelia smiled mischievously.

The aurors cheered loudly and obtained their assignments. Amelia made sure to use every one of her members' assets and power in each order she gave them. Nothing can stop her now.

And thus, the Rotfang Conspiracy was created.

===Break===

Xenophilius Lovegood gasped for air as he apparated back to his rook-like house. His daughter, Luna, looked him over worriedly. He couldn't believe it. To think such a conspiracy was formed and he was there when it happened!

He gratefully accepted a cup of water from his daughter and assured her that he was fine. It was by mere coincidence that he noticed many people going into Amelia Bones' office all at once on his trip to the Ministry to deliver the week's issue of _The Quibbler _(which people just threw away after he left). His curiosity overtook him and he disguised himself and followed them inside. He knew he wasn't supposed to be there but it was too late to back out after the doors closed.

Xenophilius smiled inwardly. Although it would make a good scoop for his publication, _The Quibbler, _he decided to let the matter go and keep the secret organization a secret. He himself believed that the Ministry had gotten away with too much in the last decade. It was time for someone to set them right.

===Break===

"What?! What do you mean my personal guards have gingivitis?!" Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, yelled at the top of his lungs. Kingsley Shacklebolt didn't flinch at all from the fat man's angry tirade.

Fudge's face was beet red and he was waving his green bowler hat furiously at Kingsley's face. His personal auror guards, except for a select few, all fell out of action as they all developed gum disease. St. Mungos Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, was baffled. Wizards _never_ develop muggle illness and so they didn't know how to respond. None of the spells they tried worked as there seemed to be a mix of magic that nullified any sort of treatment.

Fudge gulped an entire bottle of firewhiskey to calm himself and turned back to Kingsley. "Who's escorting the teacher to Azkaban then?"

"Amelia Bones have sent some aurors in her department to replace to take the job since your personal guards were all out of action."

"Good. At least that's one thing taken care off."

He dismissed Kingsley and apparated back to his house. Rita Skeeter was already waiting for him in his bedroom, clad in a red, provocative nightgown that exposed her naked body under the thin fabric. Fudge jumped on her and in an instant, had his clothes off, his hands moving furiously all over her body.

"_Cornelius... _Ah... Wait a sec, dear." Rita gently move his face away from hers and stared into his eyes.

"What is it?" Fudge asked in an impatient tone, angry at being disrupted.

"Do you remember your promise?"

"Yes yes. I'll make sure you keep your post at the _Daily Prophet._"

Rita smiled. She was barely hanging to her job as many sent complaints that her writings are almost fiction. She will do anything to keep her job.

Even if it meant enduring a night of horror with this pig.

===Break===

"Cornelius?" Rita asked in an exhausted voice after the seventh time Fudge did her that night.

"Yes, dear?"

"Is that one of your _toys_ floating over there?"

"Toys? I don't have any..."

Fudge's eyes widened in surprise. There, floating in the air behind him, emitting a soft, golden glow, was the Voodoo Dick.

===Break===

A/N:

That... was the most disgusting thing I ever wrote. But hey, it was fun. Hope you all enjoyed it. Its rated M for a reason, you know. I hope I don't get the urge to write something similar in the future.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.

Until next time,

UglyFingers


	5. FUS RO DAH!

A/N:

Last time I'm posting the disclaimer: refer to prologue.

There are many references made in this chapter relating to various works, not just from anime, but from songs, games, and speeches as well. Don't worry if you don't catch them. The title of this chapter however, is an obvious one.

On another note, it makes me happy that so many people enjoy reading this enough to leave their thoughts behind.

Thank you all very much.

Without further ado, here's chapter 4. Rated M as usual. Enjoy.

Chapter 4: "FUS RO DAH!"

Conerlius Fudge gaped at the glowing, floating dildo with shock on his pudgy face. Rita Skeeter struggled to get out from under him to try to get a better look at it.

"T—that's not mine!" Fudge stuttered.

The dildo vibrated as if it was giggling at being found and zoomed around them in a tight circle.

Rita screamed, her shrill voice echoing loudly in the small, candle lit room. The dildo was moving so fast that it left afterimages in the air, all pointed at them. In a flash, they were surrounded in a dome of flowing, golden light, hundreds of dildos pointed at them, ready to attack.

"Merlin's beard! Is this some kind of prank?! If I ever catch whoever did this..." Fudge's eyes widened in terror, his fear washing away his anger, as the dome of golden light closed in on them, leaving dildo-shaped spots in their eyes with its brightness.

Fudge tried to reach for his wand from his bedside table, only to find his hand couldn't get through the barrier of dildos. For the first time in decades, he pissed himself in fear.

The golden barrier of light intensified in its brightness, drowning all of their thoughts in all its perverted glory. Rita and Fudge closed their eyes to protect themselves from being blinded.

After reaching the same intensity as the sun, the dome suddenly exploded into millions of sparkling particles and as suddenly as it appeared, it was gone.

"W—what in the seven hells was that?!" Fudge gazed around wildly, as if afraid the horror of the flying dildo was not over yet.

Rita sighed. It only took one glance at the fat man to know he was out for the count for that night. The terror he felt was reflected in the limpness of his 'sword' and the yellow liquid he let loose on the sheets. The wet sheets would need to be thrown out in the morning as it would be too disgusting to reuse after that night.

Rita dressed herself and after she made Fudge repeat his promise, went out the house, glad to have the night cut short. She massaged her aching hips and threw up on the side walk. The pig was rough and heavy and had no technique at all. She would need a good dose of alcohol or maybe a strong memory charm after this. Some things are just better off not remembered

===Break===

Harry's Zanpakutou gently rubbed his back as he vomited relentlessly onto the soft terrain of his inner world. The scene that the Voodoo Dick showed him was just too damn disturbing. It had never occurred to him that the act of sexual intercourse could look so disgusting.

He had somehow managed to convince the Voodoo Dick to spy on the magical community's most powerful figure, the Minister of Magic. Never in his wildest dreams did he expect it to come back with a recording of its findings.

Harry felt his stomach empty but he kept on vomiting anyways.

"That... was the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed. And that's saying something." Harry shuddered.

Kohakuirohime patted him sympathetically and nodded. "That was just disturbing. I know people in power do stuff like that all the time but it's the first time we've seen it in action. This just shows how naïve you are though, Harry. The amount of ugly people in this world far outnumbers the beautiful ones. And when they have sex... let's just say it would look pretty similar to what you saw just now. Though I guess this would be good blackmail material if we use it right. I wonder how many he managed to screw during his reign as minister?"

"Who knows? He's probably even more perverted than I am."

"I highly doubt that."

"Let's forget about this for a sec. I'm trying to erase the image of the fat man's hundred kilos of bouncing blubber out of my head."

His Zanpakutou shuddered. "Don't remind me."

"Now moving onto more important matters, what do you think will happen to that teacher? I highly doubt the Gotei 13 will do nothing while one of their officers is imprisoned. From what I can tell, she's got to be a seated officer at least."

"Hmmm... If she's that strong, then I don't think we need to worry about her. She can just open a Senkaimon back to Soul Society and hide there for the time being."

"I still feel bad for her though. She really looked like she enjoyed teaching."

"There was nothing you could do that wouldn't put you in the spotlight. You've come this far. It would be a waste of your efforts if you do something reckless now."

"I still feel guilty about it though. She really looked like a nice person."

"I still can't believe Malfoy would say something like that though." Kohakuirohime said thoughtfully. "No matter how smitten he may have been, how could he say something like that to a teacher? It's not just rude. It was also demeaning."

"He probably wanted her all to himself and that was the only way he knew how to go about it. You know how purebloods are, they think everyone else is below them, not to mention she was a foreigner."

"It's still strange. Why would he go that far? I mean he hasn't even reached puberty yet. Why would he want her in that way?"

"I'm not sure but if what Lisa taught me is true, then we must never underestimate the power of lust."

"Wasn't it 'the power of love'?"

"Meh. Who cares? Weren't you supposed to teach me your ultimate move today?"

"Well... yes but..."

"No buts. You've kept me waiting long enough."

"Fine. But remember, this is only to be use as a finishing move and only then, when you really need to erase an existence from the soul cycle."

Harry nodded eagerly, his excitement showing clearly on his face.

Kohakuirohime sighed and assumed a stance different from what they usually use. She had one foot forward with her body slightly turned to the side. She straightened her back and grabbed a sword from the many identical ones floating next to her. She gripped it in front of her with both hands.

Harry watched in awe as the cross dangling from the chain at the end of the handle glowed a bright amber color and changed shape. The sword straightened itself, turning into a more aerodynamic form, the handle turning into a long, thin shaft while the blade turned into a thin, triangular head. Fletchlings made of reiatsu acted as a stabilizing element to the dangerous projectile. Attached to the bottom was the same long, thin chain connected to what was now a tall, recurved bow, a bow as tall as its wielder. Amber colored reiatsu flowed along its limbs, pooling all of its power at the center.

Kohakuirohime nocked the projectile into the bow and aimed at the sky. Reiatsu flowed into the blade, charging it with power. It took nearly thirty seconds for it to glow white hot, making it unstable, making it broken.

As the bow charged, she began to chant.

"Touch the untouchable,

break the unbreakable,

and pierce the heavens,

for this drill is my soul,

and it is my soul that shall dig a hole into the future.

And so as I pray,

FUS RO DAH!"

A large surge of reiatsu exploded from her throat and out her mouth as she let the arrow of mass destruction loose, giving the already unstable projectile more power than it can handle.

**Boooooooooooommmm!**

===Break===

Shinji Hirako, undeclared leader of the Vizards, had a secret fetish, a fetish that he had to keep a secret at all costs. His passion for women, especially the younger ones, could only be called disturbing.

Unknown to him however, this secret was not a secret at all. Lisa was the first to notice his attraction to younger females, often hearing him tell the cute ones that they were his first love. She wasted no time at all in spreading this knowledge to the rest of their group, causing them to look at him with disdain every time he went outside the warehouse that served as their base of operations, claiming that he wanted to gather information and hunt some hollows.

He had wondered why they would look at him in such a way but he put it off his mind, as he was usually excited every time he left. This day was no exception.

The wind tousled his hair as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. The neighborhood seemed peaceful enough as he didn't sense any abnormal reiatsu so he went to check up on the little flower that he had his eye on for three years now.

He hung upside down in midair above her home as he watched her leave for school, her friend already waiting for her outside her home. He followed them all the way to their school, knocking out a few of the girls' stalkers in the process. He could have sworn they kept increasing exponentially every day. Ah well, the increase in difficulty for his part time job of protecting the little girl like the super (ero) hero that he is only made the whole ordeal that much more enjoyable.

"Eh... so that's who you were stalking. I swear, you're even worse than me, you lolicon."

Shinji tried to escape, only to have his collar pulled to the ground, his back snapping from the impact of hitting concrete.

"Stop breaking our Gigais, dammit. You know how much we owe Urahara already." He looked up at his attacker and his nose spurted blood. She had her legs open as she stood over him, his head in between her feet. He wiped the blood from his nose and struggled to get into a seated position as he tried to regain his dignity.

"What's got your panties in a bunch, Lisa?"

"I had my suspicions that you were turning more and more of a creeper as the days go by. I know we really have nothing to do here in the world of the living but can you at least live with more decency?"

"I don't want to hear that from you, you rotten woman."

Lisa pushed her glasses back up her nose and glared at him. "Call me that again and I won't let you borrow from my collection."

"Oh god, anything but that!"

Lisa smirked from Shinji's horrified expression as she drew sadistic pleasure in it. "So, about that little girl that you were targeting just now..." Lisa's grin turned feral as she too, took an interest in the girl.

Shinji shuddered, fearing for the little girl's safety. Once Lisa had her eye on something, she never lets go.

Even if that something moved overseas.

They spent the rest of the day stalking the girl, with Shinji commenting on her behavior pattern from his years of observation. The orange haired girl was quite a beauty, with massive assets that sets her apart from the people of her age. Her friend, however, was the exact opposite of her. She had short, dark hair, a tomboyish attitude, and with a chest as flat as a chopping board. Shinji noticed however, that the friend protected the rather airheaded orange haired girl from all boys, and hell, even girls, that tried to attack her.

"Wait, did I hear that right? She's only thirteen?!" Lisa gaped in shock. She could have sworn the girl was at least eighteen, given how large her chest was.

"I know right? Those are quite some jugs for someone her age. I first thought she was sixteen. That's when I started following her around."

Lisa face palmed. "You're nearing two centuries old. Anyone younger than one hundred is considered pedophilism, whether they be eighteen, sixteen, or hell, even eighty."

"What about that young boy you kept having over in your room then? Isn't he like eleven?"

"Potter is just an assistant." Lisa said curtly.

"Or so you say." Shinji smirked mischievously, earning himself another slap across the face.

"That boy... didn't you also notice it? He's not the same as the rest of the Shinigami. He's too young for one but his reiatsu is already on the level of a seated officer. And that's not all. There is just something off about him... as if he has power beyond that of a Shinigami."

Shinji's eyes narrowed. "You mean like a hollows'? Like us?"

"No... but there's definitely something there. It's different... I just don't know how to explain it."

"Keep watch over him then. Oh, and keep Hiyori away from him too. You know how she hides and glares daggers at his back every time he comes by..."

"That girl has a crush on him. She just doesn't realize it yet."

Shinji looked stunned at this new piece of information as he didn't notice the midget's attraction to the young boy at all. He quickly regained himself and laughed. "Well wouldn't she also be considered a pedophile? She's decades older than him after all."

Lisa sighed. Ever since she met the boy, it was as if color was brought back into her life. She was finally able to share her perversions with someone who wouldn't look down at her for her twisted interests. She was quite outraged after he left for Europe without telling her anything. Though, with the circumstances being what they were, she knew he wouldn't have a chance to say goodbye to her anyways. She just hoped he was enjoying himself at that so called school of his.

===Break===

The loud buzzing in the Hogwarts Great Hall as the students read the _Daily Prophet_ was immense as they contemplated the fate of the teacher that they were so eager to be in class with. The rumor mill was working overtime as fact and fiction collided. Those who knew what really happened were silenced by Malfoy and his gang. Of course, the Headmaster did nothing to stop the rumors from taking a life of their own.

"And so I was asking her what she meant by 'prana' and thamaturgy but she just stared at me blankly. Apparently, even she doesn't understand what she was teaching. What a pathetic excuse for a teacher. My father and the Board of Governors were already dubious about this from the start. A foreign teacher? Seriously? What are they gonna teach us? Barbarianism?" Malfoy sneered as his cronies laughed along with the rest of the Slytherin first years.

_Calm down, Harry. I know how you feel, believe me. But this isn't the time..._

_You know what? Fuck it. It's still a bit early, but I think it's about time I come out of the shadows. I can't stand this shit anymore._

_Meh. Do whatever you want. I won't be able to stop you anyway. I learned long ago the best thing to do when you get like this is support you with my whole being._

_Thanks, Hime. _Harry thought back gratefully.

Harry strode purposefully to the Slytherin table, letting his reiatsu slip out little at a time. Heads instantly turned towards him as his presence became more and more pronounced. His killing intent washed over everyone present, including the teachers, who instantly stood in alarm and looked around at what could possibly be the source of such pure, murderous rage. Shock was evident on their faces as their eyes found the Boy-Who-Lived walking calmly towards the Slytherin table. His expression was calm, yet the air around him shimmered as if reality itself was being distorted by the power he was emitting.

Many people felt weak and dropped to their knees as Harry's reiatsu permeated the air, growing heavier and deadlier by the second. Harry let it swerve around Malfoy and his gang, causing them to become unaffected. They would surely notice something was wrong with the rest of the people but would be unable to pinpoint what was actually happening.

Conversations stopped abruptly as people gasped for air, leaving Malfoy to be the only one left talking.

"And so my father..." Malfoy trailed off as he noticed everyone else had stopped talking and were staring at him.

"There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold... and she's buying a stairway to heaven." Harry said in a singsong voice from behind him. Malfoy turned around in shock as he didn't sense Harry coming at all. Crabbe and Goyle instantly leaped off their seats and formed a wall of meat between him and Malfoy. Harry ignored them.

"When she gets there, she knows, if the stores are all closed, with a word, she can get, what she came for. And she's buying a stairway to heaven." Harry continued. "Malfoy... let me make this clear to you now. I. Hate. You." He pronounced each word clearly.

"W—what?" Malfoy stuttered. He looked around nervously at the people staring at them. All the stares seemed to drill into him as he became more an aware of just how many people were there. A lot of people are gripping their chest, as if they were having trouble breathing.

"Looking down on people and causing them pain... Your soul is surely drowned in sinful karma. Do you know what happens to people like you, Malfoy? They go to hell. And let me tell you, no matter how much money you own, no matter how much influence you have, hell does not care. Money cannot buy you a stairway into heaven."

"What sort of rubbish is this, Potter?" Malfoy sneered. "Are you so immature that you believe in these bedtime stories?"

"At least I'm not as immature as you, who can't even stand up for himself without the backing of his _father._" Harry pronounced the word with disdain, eliciting gasps and nods of agreement from the audience.

Malfoy turned red but kept his sneer on his face. "In this world, Potter, it's all about _who_ you know. Are you sure you should be saying something like that to me, Potter?"

"I don't give a rat's ass who you are and how powerful your family is. You really think you can get whatever the hell you want just because you're rich and have an influential family. That's just disgusting... when you couldn't get the woman you want, you attacked her, knowing that your father will clean up after your filthy ass. A man who cannot stand on his own without being held by his _father_ at all times does not deserve the thing hanging between his legs. Why don't you just have yours chopped off, Malfoy?"

Gasps echoed throughout the Great Hall as both students and teachers gaped at his words. Such dirty words coming from someone so young had them stunned. Harry drew in most of his reiatsu but kept a small amount out just enough to keep the people in their seats.

"Back off, Potter, if you know what's good for you." Crabbe and Goyle cracked their knuckles menacingly. Some girls turned away, anticipating a bloody beating to happen. Most however, could only stare in awe at the confidence Harry was emitting as he faced down the son of one of the most influential figure in the Ministry of Magic.

Harry didn't even meet their eyes as he answered. "I have no business with you two. Now get the fuck out of my way before I dismantle you both."

Crabbe let out a scream of fury as he lunged at Harry, fist in a wide arc and aimed at Harry's face.

**Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack. THUD.**

Crabbe's scream of pain echoed loudly in the Great Hall as Harry sent his reiatsu into the big boy's body, completely disintegrating the bones in his fist all the way to his right ribs. Crabbe threw up blood as the fragments of his skeleton pierced his internal organs, puncturing his lungs, stomach, esophagus, kidneys, and liver. Large pieces of bone fragments poke through his skin and into his clothes, staining his robes blood red.

"W—what did you just... do..." Crabbe trailed off as he fainted in a pool of his own blood.

===Break===

"I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do!" Malfoy gritted his teeth in an effort to stop himself from pouncing on the Boy-Who-Lived. Snape put a calming hand on his shoulder as he too stared down at Harry with an expressionless face.

Harry sat completely calm and sipped his tea, looking around at the weird instruments that decorated Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore quickly took charge of the situation as Crabbe fell, apparating the fallen lump of meat into the medical ward. He casted a calming charm on everyone in the Great Hall to prevent further panic as he returned. Classes were suspended for that day as everyone was too shaken by the brutal turn of events.

"Harry, my boy—" Dumbledore began.

"I'm not your boy, old man. I have a family and a father waiting for me back home. Please refrain from using that possessive term, Headmaster."

Dumbledore seemed taken aback but continued regardless. "Whatever you did minutes ago could have ended in death within our watch. As headmaster, I'm afraid I cannot let this pass unpunished."

"You turn a blind eye to the truth when Malfoy here was sexually harassing a teacher and let him go unpunished. You even went as far as firing the said teacher to cover the truth, letting her rot in prison despite being innocent. Now let me ask you, old man. Do you know just how much of a hypocrite you look right now?"

Dumbledore couldn't suppress the shudder that passed through him at the coldness of Harry's voice.

"Harry, you must understand there are extenuating circumstances that are at work here. It is for the greater good—"

"The greater good?! Don't make me laugh, old man. Oh, I do know what's good for me and for everyone else in this crap shack that you all call a school. I know that if things are left as is, another Voldemort will rise. And I know that all of you don't want that, seeing as you are all so pathetic that even when you outnumber the terrorist by the hundreds, you still had to wait for a _baby_ to save your miserable, sorry little asses. Well guess what? If another Voldemort were to rise, count me out. I already saved your butts once and I won't do it again. Why should I even bother to save a country whose history repeats itself? It is all due to this nonsense about purity of blood and this prejudice that had kept the bigotry going in your government and led to the intense hate that people like Voldemort preyed upon."

Dumbledore gaped. _How did the boy know all this?! He was supposed to be raised unaware of his background and history! And did he just say he won't fight for the greater good if Riddle were to rise once again? _Dumbledore's mind worked furiously as his plans shattered one after another.

"And that's not all." Harry continued. "Here we are, in a place of learning, where we should be taught to love one another and be educated about the goods and evils of society and what we must do in order to uphold the justice that this godforsaken community is just begging for. And what do we get? We get a system in which we are separated according to our values, limiting the relationships that we could have nurtured by complementing each others' strengths and weaknesses. On one hand, we get a group of bookworms that dominate in all things academic, we get a group of loyal bystanders who watches from the sidelines without doing anything, we get a group of reckless idiots who think they can solve everything with willpower alone, and last but not least," Harry's eyes narrowed in disgust. "We get a group isolated from the other three, taught to hate everything non magical, taught to wallow in bitterness at the other three for ganging up on them, taught to proudly trample upon others and taught to hate and hate and hate and HATE!"

Harry's fist slammed down on the table as his voice intensified almost to a scream. He glared at Dumbledore, who stood frozen in his seat with his mind working in overdrive, trying to find ways to get the boy back under his control. Snape, however, looked impressed at Harry's observation despite being introduced to the wizarding world for a short time. The boy was definitely a genius.

"And now I ask our Headmaster, who in all of his infinite wisdom let this evil practice continue without questioning the decay it is causing to the young minds of this institution. How can we trust you, Headmaster, when you continue to uphold these rotten traditions, knowing that your students will graduate and head out into the world carrying these bias and prejudices along with them? Why do you tolerate such a thing when you, yourself know that the cause of Voldemort's rise is due to the willingness of the purebloods to unite with him due to the same belief that they are the best in the world. That nothing can stand against them as they trample on the sheep that you raised in this very school to believe that they are nothing without your guidance. You know what I feel when I look at the Slytherins? I don't feel hatred or anger, at least not towards them, but to the very society that you, yourself have created, old man. I feel pity. I pity their poor souls that will end up in hell because you were not able to change their perspectives of the world and turn into good people. I could not see just how you cannot instill one small lesson into your students, headmaster. How hard is it to teach them that one should not judge a person's value on the purity of their blood, but by the strength of their character? In case you haven't noticed, the greater good that you speak of has been rotting under your nose and will keep on rotting if you do nothing about it. You have failed my expectations that you were a great wizard. I _despise_ you, Albus."

Dumbledore was pale. His usual figure, brimming with vitality, seemed like a thing of the past. Anyone who looked at him now would just see a withered old man.

A slow clap turned Harry's attention away from Dumbledore. Snape had a smug smile on his face as he gazed with pride at Lily's son. Yes, the boy was Lily's son alright. There is no way in hell he would accept that Harry was James' son as well. The boy looked nothing like his father for one. Harry also seemed to inherit his mother's hate towards injustice. Injustice that she fought so hard against for Snape's sake as he was bullied by James and his gang. Snape could clearly see Lily in Harry's emerald eyes. He imagined Lily would be proud of what her son has become.

"I'm sorry for what I have done to one of your students, Professor. However, I'm sure you can understand that I was only defending myself. No one in their right mind would let themselves get hit if they could do something about it." Harry smirked slightly and bowed his head, the show of respect startling Dumbledore and causing the old man to glare at Snape with envy. "Though I am sure, Madam Pomfrey would be able to fix him up instantly, the only thing I can offer now is my ability to heal him."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "You are well versed in the art of healing, Evans?" Snape didn't notice the Freudian slip as he looked at Harry with amusement.

"Yes, Professor. Though I regret to inform you that Draco here..." Harry's glare sent shivers down Malfoy's spine and he cowered deeper into his chair. "...is still not out of my radar. I will stop at nothing to see justice prevail. So please, Professor, educate this half wit and turn him into a respectable man." Harry turned to Dumbledore. "I expect Professor Hinamori to be released from prison soon, old man. Surely, you can manage even that much, right?" Harry glared at Dumbledore, startling the old man out of his thoughts.

"I—I'll see what I can do."

===Break===

Luna Lovegood frowned slightly as she looked out the window of her rook-like house, remembering the time when her mother used to take her outside to play. Everything seemed so dry gray after she passed away years ago, leaving Luna alone with her father. Xenophilius Lovegood seemed like he was struck a rather fatal blow by his wife's death as well. He looked older than he really was. His cheeks had sunken into hollow pits as well. It was only thanks to his love for Luna that had kept him from wanting to kill himself and follow his wife to the grave.

Luna started as a large, black butterfly flew in front of her face, causing her to have a fit of sneezes. After she settled down, she found the mistletoe hanging from the window in front of her had been infested by the large, black butterflies. She jumped back reflexively, staring in awe at the beauty of the black, fluttering creatures.

"Ummm... dad?"

Xenophilius looked up from the book he was reading, taking in Luna's curious expression.

"Yes, honey?"

"What are those?" She pointed at the colony of the large black butterflies that infested the mistletoe. The mistletoe glowed a faint pale blue color as the butterflies 'ate' it.

Xenophilius frowned. He knew that 'something' was infesting his mistletoes but he wasn't able to exactly see what. That his daughter was able see what he couldn't piqued his curiosity as well.

"What exactly do you see? I mean the shape of the creatures..."

"They look like... big, black butterflies... with red markings at the edges..."

"Oh, those are nargles, dear."

"Nargles?"

"Yes, nargles. They infest mistletoe and can be rather mischievous thieves, though they are invisible to most people. There was this one time they hid my spectrespecs, those thieving little creatures. You can keep them out by wearing butterbeer cork necklaces or radish earrings."

Luna slowly nodded her head, as she took in the new piece of information. After her mother died, she had been seeing strange things. Large monsters with masks and holes in their chests seemed to flit in and out of her vision as she gazed in the distance. Thankfully, they seemed to avoid going in her direction for some reason. She also saw different aura-like light around the wizards that she met, though muggles have considerably dimmer auras. She first thought she was going insane but thankfully, her father always assured her that he also saw what she saw and that her mother was able to see those things as well. As for why they were the only ones who seemed able to see what they could see, Xenophilius just concluded that they were special as they were given access to the world and all its wonders that no one else could see.

Luna yawned as she daydreamed about going to Hogwarts next year. It excited her to finally get a chance to make friends. She didn't get any chance to play with someone her age as they were treated quite harshly by their neighbors. That was why her father decided to live in seclusion until Luna reached the age when she could attend Hogwarts. She would surely be able to find friends once she gets there.

===Break===

Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mad-Eye Moody led the young teacher through the glum, gray hallways of Azkaban. Kingsley's lynx patronus led the way and kept the dementors at bay. The coldness caused Momo to shiver as she was only wearing a dirty, white dress that she was provided upon her check in at the prison.

"Quite the dreary place, isn't it?" She asked pleasantly. Moody only grunted in response while Kingsley raised his wand to illuminate the cells. The inmates didn't respond at all to their presence, their dead eyes staring at nothing. Others looked up and shook their bars in crazed fury, yelling obscenities at the trio.

They descended another level and rounded a corner. Kingsley tapped his wand on the cell and it opened. Momo went inside and Kingsley locked the door.

"Nothing to worry about." He assured her. "They should come for you soon so just wait a bit."

Kingsley left his patronus to keep the dementors away until 'they' came. The two aurors left her without another word.

"Hey now, what's a pretty young gal like you in here for?" A voice from the cell across from her startled her. She moved closer to the bars and peered at the darkness in an attempt to see the speaker.

"I'm not too sure myself, sir. I'm pretty sure I'm innocent."

Rasping laughter answered her as the man came out of the shadows to face her. He had long, black hair, matted with grime.. Unlike the other prisoners, this man had clear, sharp eyes, proving his sanity.

"That's funny! It seems we are in quite the same boat here, young lass. You see, I'm innocent as well. I'm Sirius Black by the way. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Momo Hinamori."

Momo thought this man was crazy but who knew? Maybe he was telling the truth about being innocent. After all, wasn't she in the same boat?

They talked for hours, their conversation mostly consisting of Momo's news about the outside world. She told him about her teaching post at Hogwarts and how Malfoy got her kicked out. Sirius emitted a low growl at this and muttered death threats under his breath. Momo giggled at the man's tales of his childhood, particularly on the one where he and his friends pranked the hell out of the staff and ghosts in Hogwarts.

Their conversation was cut short when a bright light appeared in the hallway, followed by the appearance of the translucent paper doors that opened, revealing a man wearing a green and white striped hat and green clothing. His wooden sandals that elevated his feet a few inches off the ground made a loud, clacking noise as he walked through the cobbled stone floor. He twirled his cane in his right hand while he sucked on a popsicle on his left as he approached them, grumbling to himself. Black, swallowtail butterflies followed him as he stepped out of the portal.

"Damn, Bones! Why is it that I can't seem to refuse favors from that woman?"

He turned towards the two of them, an irritated scowl on his face.

"So, are you the two idiots that I'm supposed to break out of here?"

===Break===

A/N:

References made in this and previous chapter:

FUS RO DAH (unrelenting force) = usually the first shout that a Dragonborn learns in Elderscrolls V: Skyrim

"And so as I pray," = second to last phrase of Archer's chant for Unlimited Blade Works reality marble in Fate/Stay Night

"Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable, and pierce the heavens, for this drill is my soul, and it is my soul that shall dig a hole into the future." = various quotes from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann rearranged to sound like something that made sense.

"And so I was asking her what she meant by 'prana' and thamaturgy..." = refers to magecraft from Fate/Stay Night

"There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to heaven..." = Lyrics from Led Zeppelin's song, _Stairway to Heaven_.

"... not judge a person's value on the purity of their blood, but by the strength of their character..." = a modified version of a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King's _I Have a Dream_ speech.

From previous chapter: "He was so tough that underneath his beard, there is no chin, just another fist." = a Chuck Norris joke.

From previous chapter: "These were recorded in 103,000 grimoires and sealed inside the Index Librorum Prohibitorum. No one knows what exactly this index is but it has kept these magics hidden quite effectively." = Refers to Index from Toaru Majutsu no Index

Frequently brought up comments/questions:

1. Harry should have received a letter from Japan's magic school.

Err... well this is awkward... I can't believe I forgot to write about that part! Ah well, please forgive my stupidity. I'm still rather new to this whole writing business.

2. Hmmm... I've had many people ask just where the hell I'm trying to go with this story. Well, the short answer is that I have no frickin' idea. LOL. These are just random thoughts that popped into my head and as you all can see, the scene change from one part of the world to the next didn't have any connection with most of the events in the previous scenes at all. It's actually quite amazing that the story is even readable in the way it's arranged. Though I was hoping to come up with a near linear plot line before you all get bored with all the characters just being introduced without moving the story forward.

The inspiration for what I write actually came from the various comments that many of you were so kind to leave behind. I actually didn't plan on letting the dildo become a main component in the story but since a majority of you like it, I figured I might as well have fun with it. Though I wasn't expecting the term 'Voodoo Dick', which I just thought of on the fly, to catch on to many people. I'm starting to actually consider renaming this story into "Harry Potter and the Voodoo Dick" just for the heck of it. I don't know if that will cause this to get taken down though, so maybe I should play it safe for now. Besides, who would actually think that this story would have a dildo as one of the main characters (yes, the dildo has a will of its own so I think of it as a character) with such an innocent title as "Harry Potter and the World After Death"?

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.

Thank you all very much for reading.

Until next time,

UglyFingers


	6. GETSUGA TENSHOU!

Chapter 5: "GETSUGA TENSHOU!"

Kisuke Urahara knew from the moment the monster of a woman that was his old acquaintance sent him a message after decades of no contact that he was about to get used for all he was worth. It had been like that in the past as well. He could have sworn she was as bad as Unohana, and that's saying something. The fear that the two woman had the ability to instill in others was not to be underestimated.

He first met Amelia Bones during her trip to Japan with her kohai Masaki after they graduated from Hogwarts. They figured they would travel the world and see the sights before settling down into their jobs in Britain. Except of course, Masaki never did come back.

Urahara and Isshin Kurosaki were eating at a takoyaki stand, enjoying the evening as they reminisced about the past. Hard liquor was their only companion as they ate and laughed at their old mischiefs. They were both pretty drunk when the moon had reached its peak in the night sky. Isshin blew smoke rings from his cigarette from time to time, much to Urahara's annoyance. They've had several arguments about smoking in the past and Urahara gradually grew tired of Isshin's stubbornness. Isshin had declared that he wouldn't quit until he got married, to which Urahara scoffed and commented that if Isshin ever found someone who could stand his ugly, gorilla face, then that would be the day that Head Captain Yamamoto would retire.

Of course Isshin wasted no time proving Urahara wrong.

It was way past midnight when they heard loud, vomiting sounds come from the other side of the street. They followed the sound in a rather stumbling fashion and found the two young women leaning on a light post. A woman with light, wavy brown hair was bent over the lamp post, regurgitating the contents of her stomach while her companion, a young woman with dark, brown hair, a square jaw, and a monocle, patted her back, whispering soothing words into her ears. She too, seemed to have drank too much as she was a little unsteady on her feet and was also using the light post to support herself and her friend.

The two men approached the pair cautiously as they tried to make themselves look less intimidating.

"Is your friend okay?" Urahara asked politely.

The young woman gave him a quick, measuring glance and quickly assumed a defensive position, shielding her friend from him. This was of course, the normal reaction as Urahara looked nothing like a decent, upstanding citizen. If anything, he looked like the town drunk with his thin frame, his slightly staggering steps and his disheveled clothing. His companion looked nothing short of a criminal as well. He was large and heavily built. The sleeves of his dark gray shirt were torn off, exposing his broad shoulders. It didn't help his image since he is clearly drunk as well.

"Who are you people?" She stood up to her full height and oddly enough, pointed some sort of stick at them. She eyed them warily, her body ready to unleash hell upon them despite her clear drunkenness.

"Amelia..." The bent-over girl moaned from her fetal position on the ground, clutching her friends' skirt. "You can't... muggles... secrecy laws..."

Urahara gave Isshin a questioning look, to which the latter only shook his head. He was just as baffled as his friend was. Now that they had a proper look, the two were wearing odd clothes, themselves. It was as if they came from the past and had no idea of the future's sense of fashion. The most prominent thing about them though, was that they were clearly foreigners.

Urahara threw up his hands to show that he wasn't hiding any sort of weapon. He motioned for Isshin to do the same. That helped relieve some of Amelia's anxiety but she didn't lower her stick.

"Ano... we were just wondering if you and your friend need any help. You see, my friend here is a doctor..." Urahara trailed off as the young woman snorted, obviously not believing a single word he said.

"We're fine, thank you. Come on, Masaki..." She hoisted the semi conscious girl over her shoulder, and thew them a piercing glare, a glare that sent shivers down their spine despite having fought numerous battles with their life on the line. The air around the woman seemed to change, clearly making her mood evident. They had a brief view her companion's face before the young woman dragged her off. Large, dark brown eyes, gazed at them hazily as she looked them over with undisguised curiosity.

Isshin watched them go with a frown, his thoughts still on the semi conscious girl. Urahara was frowning as well, but for a different reason.

"Isshin."

"What?"

"Those two..."

"Very beautiful, ain't she?"

"What?"

Isshin shook his head, as if trying to clear his thoughts, only to receive a pounding headache from all the liquor he drank.

"That woman... her reiatsu seems familiar..."

"Similar to Unohana's right?"

The two shuddered. The captain of the fourth division ranked only below the head captain himself in terms of scariness. She had, on more occasions than they could count, used her overwhelmingly scary aura to get other captains to do her bidding. Urahara and Isshin were lucky enough to have very little contact with her as they heard tales from their fellow captains, especially Kyoraku and Ukitake, on just how scary the woman can be.

"Their reiatsu were also rather unnaturally high for a human." Isshin commented as they went back to the takoyaki stand.

"Hmmm... seems like they could be spiritually aware..." Urahara said thoughtfully. He glanced sideways at Isshin. The man had a smitten look on his face.

Urahara shook his head and gulped down his jug of _sake_. He could tell his friend had fallen in love but he was sure to forget about it the next day, given how drunk he was. Urahara was not about to waste his breath to lecture to his friend about how hopeless it would be to try and woo the girl over. The alcohol would do the job for him easily enough.

Urahara tensed as the light from the poles shut down one by one as immense reiatsu washed over the area, disintegrating the glass windows of buildings and cracking the concrete sidewalks and asphalt. Isshin looked up in alarm as the piercing howl of a hollow filled the air. He knocked his chair over as he stood suddenly and grabbed Urahara's cane, pushing himself out of his body.

"Wait for me, my love!" Isshin's screams filled the air as he bolted in the direction of the hollow.

Urahara was bewildered for only a second as he reorganized his thoughts. It was quite a challenge as the raging headache he was having barely allowed him to form coherent thoughts. He grabbed his cane and ran after Isshin.

_Dammit. Of all things... _Urahara cursed under his breath. If the hollow was what he thought it was, then some serious shit must be going on.

Isshin found Amelia and Masaki in the park, the former with her stick out and pointing it at the giant, masked, cloaked monstrosities that towered over the two of them.

"Masaki! Wake up! There's giant dementors attacking us! Help me!" She kicked her friend in the stomach but Masaki only groaned. She was too out of it to be of assistance.

"Dammit! EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A large, white, horned horse erupted from the end of her stick and charged at the black, masked giants.

A large, ash-white hand effortlessly grabbed the reishi-made beast, crushing it. The patronus kicked its legs in vain as it burst into spirit particles. Amelia, seeing her patronus 'killed' so easily fell to her knees in despair, still desperately clutching her wand. She fired off two curses which didn't even reach her targets as it dissipated from the intense pressure that the 'dementors' emitted. She gasped for air as her lungs tightened, the intense pressure in the air making it hard for her to breathe. For the first time in her life, Amelia Bones felt terrified, terrified of not being able to protect herself, let alone her friend.

"GETSUGA—

—TENSHOU!"

Amelia covered her eyes as a blinding flash of white light soared towards the 'dementors'. At the same time the intended targets saw the attack, red balls of energy formed at the mouth of their masks.

**KWAANG! BOOOOM!**

Several _ceros_ met the eruption of white energy, causing a large explosion in midair. Isshin shunpo'ed in front of the two young women, his blade aimed towards the 'dementors'.

"Y—you're..." Amelia stuttered in shock at her savior. She quickly took hold of herself and turned her attention to the situation at hand. "It's useless... these dementors are too large... they easily took out my patronus..." She started to explain.

"Eh? Dementors? The hell are you talking about? These are gillians, woman!" Isshin cursed under his breath. "Damn smart ones too."

Isshin counted eight gillians in total. For what purpose they were in the world of the living was anyone's guess.

Urahara appeared beside him, his blade already in its shikai form.

"You never think about what you're doing, do you?" He sighed. "I've erected a barrier around the area but make sure you hold back."

Amelia stared at the two in confusion. _Gillian? Is that what they call giant dementors with masks?_

The hollows were preparing to launch another barrage of cero as Isshin turned to the side, emptying the contents of his stomach onto the soft sand of the children's play area. He made a mental note to never again drink so much that he wouldn't be able to fight when needed.

"Watch out!" Amelia cried out as the gillians released the deadly red energy of mass destruction.

Urahara raised his Zanpakutou, moving it in slow, tight circles in the air.

Amelia gaped at this apparent stupidity. _Is he crazy? Is he seriously trying to block that with nothing more than a sword? _

Small flecks of red energy gathered at the tip of the Zanpakutou as Urahara continued twirling the it in the air.

_Oh God, I don't wanna die... _Amelia whimpered as the horde of menos grande released their cero.

**KWAAAANG! BZZZzzzt... SHHHhh...shhhhhhh... shhhhhh...**

Amelia's eyes widened in disbelief. The gigantic, red beams of death dissipated into thin air as they hit the tip of Urahara's Zanpakutou. He wore an amused smile at her expression.

"Despite how I look, I'm actually a genius, you know. I only need one look to completely analyze the spiritual composition of an attack. Once that's done, unraveling it is simple."

"Oi. Let's get this over with already. This hangover is killing me." Isshin walked up to them, his black shinigami uniform stained with puke.

Urahara nodded and shunpo'ed a hundred meters into the air above the gillians.

"Bakudo 62: Hyapporankan!"

Twenty rods of pure energy formed behind him and shot towards the gillians, multiplying into thousands as they descended. The hollows let out an ear piercing shriek as they were rendered immobile by the thousands of needle-like rods placed all over their body in precise points.

"GETSUGA TENSHOU!"

A blinding flash of white light erupted from Isshin's Zanpakutou and a second later, the gillians were nothing more than small particles of reishi in the atmosphere, blown away by the wind.

"Since when did you learn how to do acupuncture on hollows? Shit, I didn't know Bakudo 62 could be used like that..." Isshin asked Urahara as they both descended to the ground.

"Figuring out where their spiritual pressure points are took me two weeks to research. It's not that hard."

They stopped midstep as a spike in reiatsu came from Amelia.

"Petrificus totalus!"

Amelia had her wand pointed alternatively between the two, her face twisted in a combination of fear, relief, confusion and god knows how many more emotions she was under at the moment. Masaki had finally awoken and was rubbing her eyes. The ear piercing shriek of the hollows woke her up just in time to see the two men floating in the air as one of them launch an arc of white light at the overgrown 'dementors'.

"W—wha... just what in the hell are you two?" Amelia's voice shook as she tried to get coherent thoughts to flow in her mind, only to be stopped by the raging headache caused by the alcohol in her blood.

Urahara and Isshin looked at each other and shrugged, easily breaking the petrification spell cast on them. Amelia fell to her knees, shaking in fear.

"What are we?" Urahara put on his best troll face as he answered. "Why, I'm just a humble shopkeeper and this here, is my idiotic doctor friend."

===_End Flashback_===

Urahara closed the senkai gate behind him after his two charges walked through. Madame Amelia Bones sat at her desk with a stern expression on her face as they filed into her office. Momo and Sirius sat down on the sofa while Urahara set about disassembling the converter and the anchors of the gate. The two fugitives tried to look casual, as if they didn't just break of out of the supposedly most secure wizarding prison in magical Britain, if not the world.

"Err... nice to see you're doing great Amy..." Sirius began, his face splitting in a lopsided grin. "Head of Magical Law Enforcement, knew you could do it, being Head Girl and all... blimey... and to think I still remember you running around after Remus back in our schooldays, trying to get him to keep us out of trouble before you graduated... God, I feel old."

Amelia's face twitched at the mention of the past she'd rather not unearth. She began to have second thoughts on whether it was such a good idea to let Black out.

"You'd do well to remember that I have your life in my hands, Sirius." She glared at him and he shrunk back. Her intimidating aura seemed to have been refined over the years that Urahara hadn't seen her. He could have sworn she could give Unohana a run for her money in that department.

"Maa maa, let's not kill the nice mood we have here. You two should go to a strip club together. That should give you guys time to catch up, right?" He winked at them mischievously.

"KISUKE!" Amelia's nostrils flared. "The hell are you saying with a child in the room?"

"Ano... you do know she's older than you right?"

Momo blushed as she sat quietly, observing the interactions between the 'adults'. Sirius glanced back and forth between Amelia and Momo in confusion. Who's older than who?

"I see... she must be one of you huh." Amelia frowned. Things just got more complicated.

"Amy-chan, please cut this talk here. We wouldn't want those not involved to... learn of our secrets." Urahara said with a pleasant tone that was not pleasant at all.

"Hmpf." She crossed her arms and glared at him through her monocle but said nothing more.

"Ano... thank you." Momo bowed to Urahara then to Bones.

"Maa maa, don't mention it. Can't really refuse orders from the old hag here."

"Kisuke!" Bones turned her glare to Urahara and for a moment, Momo had a brief vision of Captain Unohana and shuddered. No wonder even a Shinigami, one as powerful as this man that helped her escape from prison, would follow her orders.

"She's not really that old, you know." Sirius grinned. "Hell, I'd still do her in a second."

A vein popped on Amelia's forehead, threatening to burst. She took long, deep breaths to calm herself before choosing to ignore that statement. She turned to Momo instead.

"Ms. Hinamori, I believe introductions are in order. I am Amelia Bones, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. This bum," She pointed at Urahara. "is Kisuke Urahara, a shopkeeper and Harry Potter's foster parent."

Sirius eyed Urahara with more curiosity than before. Momo looked like she didn't believe Urahara was simply a 'shopkeeper' but ignored it for the moment and introduced herself.

"Momo Hinamori, Professor of Foreign Magic at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." She shook hands with the woman before resuming her seat on the couch beside Sirius.

"Now, you may all be wondering why I would release you two from Azkaban and so underhandedly at that. Well, the short answer is, I believe you two are innocent."

Sirius raised an eyebrow but kept his mouth shut, wondering just how she knew this.

"Urahara here gave me copies of very detailed reports on thorough investigations all about Harry Potter's background, including all the people that were involved with his parents in some way, which includes _you, _Sirius." She continued, answering the unasked question.

"So you know about Wormtail then?" Sirius growled with disgust.

"Yes but I'm afraid we cannot touch him at the moment. It is still too early for us to show ourselves."

"That bastard...betraying James... betraying Lily... I'll kill him... I'll kill him if it's the last thing I do!"

"Calm down, Sirius. There's a time for everything. I assure you, you will get your revenge in time."

"How's Harry?"

"He's in his first year at Hogwarts. I believe he is maintaining a low profile at the moment?" She threw a sideways glance at Urahara, who nodded.

"I knew he was in my class but I couldn't even notice him among all the students... his presence is weak, it was as if he wasn't there but you know he is." Momo put in thoughtfully.

"Good. Whatever that child is planning, it's still too early for him to make a move. There are many forces acting against us at the moment. I believe that for now, we should act in the shadows as well. Your escape from Azkaban should give us a distraction that we will use to throw Fudge off our trail while we gather more allies in the meantime." She turned to Momo. "And you, what are you doing in this... _realm_...? Aren't your kind supposed to not interfere with our business?"

Momo thought for a moment, trying to measure just what the woman knew about Shinigami. She does, after all, have one as a friend so she should know the basics. Sirius, on the other hand, knew nothing, hence the subtle way that she talked about it. Sirius, of course, thought that the Senkai gate was just an old form of foreign magic. She would have to be careful here...

"I was sent here to monitor events that are likely to disrupt the balance. If your kind are unable to handle matters, we will interfere, for it is our job to ensure matters do not escalate."

Amelia thought for a moment before asking, "And what event is this that you speak of?"

"As you have probably read on the reports," She glared at Urahara, who no doubt gave Amelia reports that came from the Onmitsukido. He only smiled back pleasantly and hid his face behind his fan. "the being known as Voldemort have split his soul into seven pieces, as such that when he died, the Gates weren't able to collect him, prompting the Gotei 13 to act. Five months ago, we felt the Gates open and now he's back, not as separate parts, but as a whole, fully functioning being. We have tracked him down to Hogwarts, where I was sent to observe his movements."

Sirius gaped in horror. "V—Voldemort is back?" He whispered.

Amelia' monocle fell out of her eye as took in the implications of what she just heard. "He was able to... break out of that place...? Just how powerful is he? And if that's true, we won't even be able to stand in his presence, let alone fight him... Will magic even work?" Tiny beads of sweat broke on her forehead and a shudder passed through her body.

"Well, Dumbledore did say he will be back." Sirius put in thoughtfully.

"Dumbledore doesn't know jack shit." Amelia said contemptuously. "He probably doesn't even know just how powerful _this_ Voldemort is. He's not just your average Dark Lord anymore. He has probably gained more power than we can imagine. And I bet Dumbledore is probably trying to get Harry to be his golden boy at this very moment because of that damned prophecy."

Sirius looked up sharply. "What prophecy?"

"The one that caused Voldemort to go after James and Lily, the one that predicted Voldemort's downfall by the hands of someone born in July 1980, for neither can live while the other survives, that that someone will have powers that the Dark Lord knows not." Amelia recited.

"So Dumbledore is trying to get Harry to be his puppet to kill Voldemort?" Sirius said angrily.

"Pretty much, yes."

"That bastard! Harry is only a child!"

"Don't worry, I've raised Harry to beware of meddling old men so you don't have to worry about him taking a liking to Dumbledore. I can assure you, that boy is more than capable enough to handle himself." Urahara said reassuringly.

"In the meantime, I have arranged for you two to stay out of sight until you have been cleared of all charges. You will be staying with one of our members until further notice. And you," She gave Momo a stern look. "Will report to your superiors that we have matters here under control for the moment and it would be best if you don't tell them about my awareness of your kind. I know both you and I don't want to deal with the hassle of explanations."

Momo nodded.

A knock on the door interrupted them. "Come in." Amelia ordered.

A man with long, graying hair with the texture of candyfloss and an odd look entered the room. He glanced around fearfully before bowing to Amelia.

"This is Xenophilius Lovegood. You will be staying with him and his daughter until we complete our preparations."

Xenophilius flinched. "I'll have you know I am not part of your conspiracy, Bones."

"You might as well be. You were present when we formed if I recall correctly. Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice that we have one member extra?"

Urahara put a comforting hand on the man's shoulder and shook his head. "It's pointless." He whispered.

The man grumbled a bit but nodded. He turned to Sirius and Momo, who were staring at him with amused smiles.

"Well, what're you two waiting for? Come along now."

===Break===

Urahara turned to Amelia after Xenophilius portkeyed the two fugitives to his house.

It was quite a hassle making Sirius wear decent clothing and shaving his overgrown beard as his long stay in Azkaban has taken its toll on his body. It took a good two hours to get him cleaned. Momo was a bit easier to clean up as she was only in Azkaban for a few hours. When they were done, Xenophilius brought out a broken quill and portkeyed them to his home.

"So, what can I do for our cute little bunny?" Kisuke asked. "I know you didn't call me here just to break those two out of prison. It's been years since we lost contact after Masaki died."

Amelia twitched at the old nickname and the casual mention of the death of her kohai but kept her emotions under control. Easier said than done.

"I have been tracking the Hollows in the area ever since my return from Japan." She began. "Six months ago, a _garganta_ opened and a horde of menos grande came out along with a bunch of other lesser hollows led by some _adjuchas_."

Urahara's face turned serious. "And what did the local shinigami do about it?"

"You see, that's the thing. _No one_ came. The hollows are still in the world of the living."

Urahara's frown grew deeper. "Then why is it that there have been no news of them rampaging?"

"Because they're not really doing anything. They gathered all the hollows in the country in one area and just stood there... like statues, as if they're waiting for something... or someone."

"And where is this place that they gathered?"

"The outskirts of Ottery, St. Catchpole."

Urahara's eyes widened. "You're one sneaky lady... So that's why you sent Momo-chan there. However, let me tell you now. The Gotei 13 will not act even if she reported this strange hollow activity to her superiors. It would breach international relations. This country's shinigami organization don't like it when foreign powers act in territories under their jurisdiction. The case ten years ago was a special one. When the Gates of Hell opened, its threat involved the whole world and they had needed all the help they can get. I think they're still bitter about having to ask for help, not to mention that the Gotei 13 took most of the glory for that little incident."

"I see... and to make sure the English soul society, Eutopia, keep their pride, the Gotei 13 will not act here?"

"I believe so."

"But still... this is troublesome. Eutopia isn't doing anything to at least chase down these menos grande back to Hueco Mundo, much less try to eradicate them." She sighed. "There have already been reports of deaths in that village where people just seemed to burst out of existence due to unknown causes. The hollows seemed to be eating each other to pass the time, getting stronger and stronger with each passing day. Can't you do something to convince Soul Society to do something about this?"

Urahara smiled wryly. "What could a wanted criminal like me do? The moment I walk in there, I'd be arrested in an instant. The case ten years ago was an emergency. And even then, the head captain himself had a hard time convincing Central 46 for permission to ask me for help."

"But surely, you're not all that powerless—"

Bones stopped in mid sentence as a hell butterfly came through her window and landed on Urahara's outstretched finger. Urahara's face turned serious for a moment, then he started to laugh.

"What is it?" Amelia asked, irritated.

"Looks like my boy at Hogwarts is as impatient as ever. We're gonna have to speed up our plans a little. The boy's already begun to move."

===Sereitei 10th Division Office ===

Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya was not a patient man (yes, he considered himself a man, not a child despite his short stature) especially when his vice captain is a useless, lazy, flirtatious drunkard whose only merit is her large chest.

Hitsugaya rubbed his forehead where a headache was beginning to form. Reports came in just the other day about strange Hollow activity in a certain European country. They were all gathering in one area just on the outskirts of the village of Ottery St. Catchpole in Devon, England as if waiting for something to arrive. The strange thing about it however, was that the local Shinigami in charge of the area were doing nothing about the situation. The hollows were practically _begging_ to be purified and yet there was no one who arrived to do the job. It was as if all the hollows in the country were moving to that specific area. When they got there, they just did nothing but stare off in the direction of the village like unmoving statues. He briefly considered going there with his squad since the hollows were now numbering in the hundreds, but thought better about it. It was not in the Gotei 13's jurisdiction and it would violate international laws if they were to barge into someone else's territory.

"Taichou!" His vice captain barged into the office, waving an inch thick report frantically into his face.

A vein popped on his forehead as he grabbed the papers and shoved her away. "Matsumoto! How many time must I tell you to knock?!"

"Forget about that for a moment, captain. The Head Commander called an emergency captain's meeting. All captains were told to attend after reading that report." She pointed to the papers in Hitsugaya's hand.

The midget captain scowled as he read the report. Then he grew pale.

"W—what in the heavens ..." He whispered in shock.

===Break===

All the captains present didn't utter a word as they waited for the Head Commander to speak. Grim faces waited for the hammer to fall.

"As you've already read in the report, there is a very urgent matter at hand with regards to the accumulation of the hollows at Ottery, St. Catchpole, Devon, England. Captain Ukitake, if you please..."

The white haired captain stepped forward and face his fellow captains. "As you've all read in the report, I was sent on a diplomatic mission to Eutopia two days ago to see the situation and ask why they were neglecting their duties."

The captains nodded an waited for him to continue. The next part was the one that shocked them the most.

"It was then that I discovered the place empty... as if all the inhabitants have disappeared."

"Disappeared? Shinigami and all the inhabitants as well?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Yes. I checked their Rukongai for any signs of life but there was nothing. Even the barracks, headquarters, and governing body have all disappeared as well."

The captains gasped in alarm. If that was true, then the balance would crumble and the world would end. Just ten souls that didn't enter the cycle properly was enough to cause a large disturbance to the balance of the world. But an entire country's soul society? God knows just how much damage that would cause.

"Ukitake Taichou. Did you find any clues as to what might have caused this phenomenon?"Yamamoto asked.

"From what I can tell, the dwellings looked as if they were empty for quite some time. Most had actually been locked, as if the inhabitants had plans on returning. Others were left open and had belongings littering the place. If I would hazard a guess, I'd say the entire society migrated."

Shocked silence followed his words. Again, it was up to Yamamoto to keep the meeting going as the captains were too thunderstruck to utter a word. Even Byakuya had his eyes wide while Kenpachi cleaned his ear with a finger, as if he didn't hear Ukitake properly. Gin, of course, was still smiling and god knows what Komamura's expression was under that wooden helmet of his.

"And what disaster could have been so great that they had to move their entire establishment?" Yamamoto asked with a frown.

"I cannot even begin to imagine. Though I'd blame the author for being an idiot and causing all this mess." Ukitake said as he took his position with the other captains, allowing Yamamoto to take the floor once again. Nobody seemed to find anything wrong with his last sentence as they waited for Yamamoto to speak.

"As much as I hate breaching jurisdiction treaties, I am afraid we are left with no choice with the world's fate in the balance. We cannot stand idly by and let a disaster happen under our noses." He slammed his staff on the ground to emphasize his point and continued. "Kuchiki Taichou, Aizen Taichou, Kurotsuchi Taichou and Hitsugaya Taichou along with their vice captains shall investigate the cause of the disappearances and report back immediately as soon as they discover something. Now go! Time is of the essence!"

The captains hastened to prepare for the mission. The four captains with the exception of Aizen rushed off to inform their vice captains about the mission and take care of logistic matters. Yamamoto had told Aizen to let Momo keep her position at the world of the living as they needed an eye there as well.

Aizen was walking back to the barracks when he noticed Gin following him. He turned a corner and went into a deserted alleyway.

"What is it, Gin?"

"Is this a part of the plan?" Gin asked with that unchanging, ever smiling face of his.

Aizen thought for a moment.

"No, but it is quite intriguing."

"You think Eutopia has someone like you as well?" Gin's expression never changed but Aizen didn't miss the hidden message behind his words.

"Maybe. But judging from the situation, if there was one, this scale is too massive to be done by just a few people."

Gin nodded and left. Aizen watched his retreating back, thinking of how to use this situation to his advantage.

===Ottery St. Catchpole, Lovegood House===

Luna was tending to the dirigible plums that grew on the side of their rook-like home when her father popped up with two strangers several feet away from her. She looked them over curiously as she welcomed them.

"Err... this is my lovely daughter, Luna. Luna, these guests will be staying with us for a while." He threw the two a look that looked suspiciously like 'behave yourselves' and motioned for them to introduce themselves.

Sirius grinned at Momo and the quick exchange only reinforced Xenophilius' worst fears.

Momo extended her hand to the child. Luna looked oddly detached from reality in her opinion but judging from the high level of reiatsu the girl was emitting, she had to be spiritually aware at the least so it was not that surprising.

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Momo Hinamori. I'm your father's illegitimate child."

Dead silence followed.

A bird dropped shit on Xenophilius' head but he didn't appear to notice. He looked like a fish out of water with his jaw hanging open. Sirius looked like he was about to laugh but was doing his best to hold it in. Luna took one look at her father and nodded.

"Pleased to meet you too. I hope we can get along. I never knew I had an older sister." She said dreamily and looked back to her father again, taking in his thunderstruck expression, and gave him a look that said 'mom will come down from the heavens and kill you for this'.

"H—hold on, Luna. Aren't you accepting this too easily?" Xenophilius approached his daughter with panic on his face.

"It's fine, dad. We all have secrets. I won't tell mom about this." She smiled at him.

"T—that's..." Xenophilius was at a loss for words. Never in his life had he imagined his daughter would turn on him like this. It hurt like hell, like his heart was being torn apart from his chest.

"And you, sir. Who might you be?" Luna turned to Sirius.

Sirius gave her a charming smile, a smile that had won the hearts of many young lass back in his days.

"Luna, _I _am your father."

Xenophilius looked like he was about to cry as he looked from his daughter to the fugitive. Luna had already believed one of them so who was to say she wouldn't renounce the time they spent as father/daughter for this man?

"Oh, you have to be joking, sir. My father is right here and you surely are not him. I'm not as gullible as I look."

Sirius laughed while Xenophilius breathed a sigh of relief. So his daughter still loved him after all.

"Since dad allowed you here, you're probably not a bad person right?"

"Oh, I'm bad." He winked at her. Luna ignored the sarcasm as the man's mirth showed in his eyes. She opened the door and led them inside.

Momo froze.

Intense reiatsu came from inside the house and flowed out of the door. She bolted inside, pushing Luna out of the way and preparing herself for battle. There, on the floor of a neat but rather shabby kitchen, lay a hollow of a feline shape. It stretched on the mat, purring as it did so. It was large, as large as a panther and pure white. It didn't have any fur but was instead wearing a type of white skin that covered its body, acting as some sort of armor. It gave Momo a brief look and strode over past her while she was still paralyzed in fear at finding an _adjuchas_ type menos where she least expected it. Her mind worked furiously, trying to find ways on how to get the fuck out and take her companions with her. If an _adjuchas_ was enough to give captain class shinigami trouble, there was no way in hell she can fight one alone. It would be a one sided slaughter.

The hollow ignored her and walked up to where Luna fell down when Momo pushed her and stared her in the eye. Sirius and her father were peering inside curiously, trying to figure out what Momo burst in the room so panicked for, but saw nothing. They began to have trouble breathing as the intense reiatsu washed over them.

"Your comrades are back." The hollow cursed, muttering something about how he should get some of his subordinates to watch her for him. He turned around and waved his tail. "Take care of yourself, young queen." He said.

"You too, Grimmjow."

The hollow looked somewhat pissed. The kind of pissed that looked as if he hated what he was doing but can't do anything about it.

Luna wondered why her 'friend' kept calling her that title but put it out of her mind. She did enjoy having someone to play with since no one in the village would play with her. She just wished he wouldn't be so rude most of the times.

Momo's mind was reeling. _An adjuchas associating with a human? _She thought in disbelief. _Why would an adjuchas do such a thing? Aren't they usually in constant fear of reverting to a gillian? Why would he waste time here when he should be focused on evolving? And did it just call her 'queen'? Just what is this girl?_

===Hogwarts===

"Taffy." Harry called out.

The house elf appeared with a pop an bowed down to him. "Yes, Master Harry Potter, sir?"

"Can you keep watch outside? Make sure no one comes in while I'm here."

"Sir, yes sir!" The elf saluted enthusiastically and disappeared.

_Are you really that paranoid? Malfoy attacking you here is very unlikely. _Kohakuirohime said disapprovingly.

_It's not that I'm paranoid. You know when a person is most vulnerable, right? It's not when they're sleeping or eating. It's when he's taking a dump. A person avoid an assassin in his sleep if he's had enough training. However, if a person is taking a dump, he can't just get right up with shit falling out of his ass. It goes against nature. The best way to catch a person by surprise is when he's in the toilet._

_But still... to get elves to watch the door while you shit is a bit over the top._

_Never hurts to be extra careful. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone interrupting this meeting._

"And what do you need me for, young one?" A voice spoke overhead.

Harry looked up to see the Fat Friar hovering a few feet above his stall, clamping his nose shut from the foul odor.

"I have a few questions regarding our headmaster, sir."

"Dumbledore? Why, whatever could you want to know about the headmaster?"

"How exactly... did he become the headmaster?"

"He was appointed by the Board of Governors of course!"

"Eh? So anyone could be headmaster if appointed by the Board of Governors? What if they appoint Voldemort then? Would Hogwarts let itself be ruled by a Dark Lord?"

"Good heavens no! The founders have made sure to put the students' safety above everything else. Should a Dark Lord attempt to take control of Hogwarts, then they would have to fight the school itself as it will do its best to rid itself of the threat!"

"I see... so are there other ways in which one can become headmaster?"

"Well... there is but no one has ever employed that method in over half a millenia."

Harry grinned. "Please, do tell."

As the Fat Friar explained, Harry grew more and more excited.

_Just a bit of warning. Keep in mind that no matter how strong you get, you're still only eleven years old as both a wizard and shinigami. Always remember that you lack the experience that many adults have._

_Yeah yeah. I've heard that line enough times from the old man._

_Urahara is right. You should listen to him._

_Don't I always?_

_Yes but I can't overlook how childish you act sometimes. Though it should be expected as you_ are _still a child._

_You don't have to keep reminding me. In just a few years, I'll be able to enter strip clubs!_

_You're hopeless._

_I know I am. _

_Guess there's no stopping you from doing this? Urahara might think it's a bit too early for you. _

_Nah. This has been my goal from the beginning. I had to do it sooner or later._

_Do what you want then. Though it's quite amazing how this ghost just reveals such information so easily._

_He probably thinks no one is stupid enough to use it, that's why._

Harry thought long and hard about how to use this information to aid him in his plan. He smiled as the last piece of the puzzle fell into place.

It was time to come out of the shadows.

===Break===

Albus Dumbledore clutched his head as he picked at the food on the plate in front of him, his previous conversation with Harry still lingering in his mind.

_Why can't the boy understand that I only mean the best for him and the world? No, more importantly, how do I go about getting his trust back?_

The Great Hall buzzed with the usual gossip and chatter of the morning meal. Dumbledore's worries only increased as the Boy-Who-Lived walked up to the staff table and bowed. All talk ceased as they watched with fear and anticipation the boy address the teachers.

_Oh dear... this looks like trouble._

"I don't like wasting time so let me get straight to the point." Harry pointed at Dumbledore. "I, Harry James Potter hereby challenge you, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, into a wizard's duel for the position of Headmaster of Hogwarts."

===Break===


	7. What are the rules?

A/N:

Many people have advised me to keep other stuff out of this story and to try and not do too much to the story. I decided to heed their advice and stop adding any more plot lines that I will most likely not follow and stick to Harry for most of the story in order to not confuse people. The ones already written however, will still affect the current plot and I might refer to them occasionally but never really write them. I'm thinking of writing them as another story of their own but knowing me, I'll probably be too lazy to do so.

Another thing that won't change is the Voodoo Dick. I can't find any way to remove it without causing everything to fall apart. If anyone has suggestions, please do tell.

Chapter 6: "What are the rules?"

The crowd cringed as another large explosion resounded in the area.

The weather was ideal for Quidditch practice. The sun was high in the sky and a light breeze blew with the promise of a light drizzle for the following day, scenting the air with a hint of moisture and lush green vegetation. The Forbidden Forest was disturbingly quiet, as if it was holding its breath.

Though the weather was good and the students were out of class, it was not a Quidditch match that the entire school were watching with shock, fear, excitement, and downright awe. They were watching history being made.

Dumbledore had at first asked Harry what in the hell he was talking about after the ridiculous declaration of a duel, to which Harry merely repeated what he said and brandished the Voodoo Dick. Hogwarts glowed in resonance with the ancient artifact and declared the match official. The House ghosts gathered their respective students and before anyone could so much a express their surprised expressions, the castle forcefully apparated them outside into the Quidditch pitch. The students were deposited on the stands while the ground opened and an ancient, large dueling arena emerged, trickling raw earth as it did so. The staff and ghosts were popped into special seats on the side of the enormous dueling arena while the two combatants were placed on opposite ends.

"Harry, what is the meaning of this?" The old man asked as his eyes lost all its previous twinkle.

"Exactly what I said. Me and you fight. Winner gets Hogwarts."

"And may I inquire just what led you to take that action?"

"I already told you the reason, old man. If you want me to add more, let me just say that you're too old to be holding three of the most important positions in this society and I just want to help lessen your load."

Dumbledore chuckled. "I can assure you that I am still quite fit despite my age."

Harry snorted. "Prove it then. Name your second."

"I hardly see the point of naming a second as the settings for this duel have already been decided and since we are dueling for Hogwarts herself, I find it unnecessary."

Harry thought it over for a second and agreed. "Fair enough. And don't even think about holding back, old man."

Dumbledore tried one last time to change Harry's mind. "Are you sure you want to do this? If I remember correctly, you don't even have a wand."

The crowd gasped. Dueling the greatest wizard alive without a wand? Madness!

Harry just shrugged. "Mr. Ollivander said his wands don't like me. But I'll tell you I'm still capable enough without one."

Dumbledore frowned but admitted he wouldn't be able to get Harry to stop. There was no other way but to end this as quick as possible without hurting Harry too much.

"What are the rules?" Dumbledore asked.

"One bout. Duel continues until the other is unconscious or admits defeat. Other than that, any magic is acceptable except the killing curse."

Dumbledore nodded.

The two took their respective positions and bowed. The arena briefly glowed blue, acknowledging the rules. Neither would be able to escape without a clear winner.

_Be careful Harry. Despite his looks, he's still the strongest wizard around. And gigai's aren't made to channel reiatsu so you wouldn't be able to use Kido past 33, and even then, the power would be severely reduced. _

_I know I know. I guess I'll mostly be using elf magic then._

Dumbledore assumed a stance with his right foot forward and aimed his wand at Harry. Harry raised his left arm and let his hand relax.

The Fat Friar glided to the center of the arena and began to count off.

"Wands at the ready! And a 3, 2, 1. And start!"

Dumbledore sent a quick stunner at Harry with simple flick of his wand. Harry could tell Dumbledore wanted to end the match quickly but he was not about to let the geezer have his way. He gathered some of his reiatsu in the palm of his hand and blocked the spell.

Dumbledore's eyes lit up with curiosity as he fired three more spells in quick succession, only to have Harry use two fingers to redirect the spells away from him. Two hit the ground while the last flew in the direction in the audience. The air shimmered as the spell hit the edge of the arena and dissolved the spell.

"That is quite the trick you have there, Harry. Mind telling me how you did that?" His eyes twinkled in amusement as he fired off a barrage of quick hexes at Harry, who simply swatted them aside like flies.

"I told you not to go easy on me, old man." Harry said with a touch of irritation in his voice.

Dumbledore realized Harry wasn't bluffing and that he might need to take this more seriously if he wants to win. He conjured seven wooden chairs and banished them in Harry's direction as he conjured more projectiles that levitated in the air. Spears, clubs, swords, and even suits of armor charged at Harry with a mind of their own.

Pale lightning fired from Harry's finger as he destroyed the incoming chairs, only to find swords and spears appear from behind them and attempted to impale him. He dodged the projectiles to the best of his ability but they turned around and swung at his unprotected back.

Warm liquid tricked down his back as he turned around and snapped his fingers. He disappeared and reappeared ten feet from the ground.

"Hado 31: Shakkaho!"

The red ball of energy struck the swords that followed him into the air and exploded with the force of a cannon. Splinters of wood and metal rained down as Harry snapped his fingers and reappeared behind Dumbledore with a pop.

The old man's reflexes were faster than expected. The pots and pans that Harry conjured through elf magic slammed against the large shield that appeared behind Dumbledore with a loud clang.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "Harry... are you using house elf magic?"

Harry grunted in frustration as he snapped his fingers and reappeared at his original spot when the duel started.

_Damn! This is harder than I thought._

_What'd you expect? _

_I knew he was strong but this is ridiculous! He's so damn fast and he's not even breaking a sweat!_

The audience could only gape in awe at the battle before them, except two redheaded twins who appeared to be taking bets. No one expected Harry to be able to do this well against the headmaster. Even the teachers had their jaws dropped open. Well... except Snape and Quirrell. Snape merely looked on in mild amusement while Quirrell clutched his turban where a headache was no doubt forming.

Harry summoned a part of the arena by his foot in front of him just as Dumbledore fired off a series of multi colored spells followed by a barrage of conjured items. The incoming projectiles hit the summoned floor and exploded in a cloud of dust while some of the spells made it through the defense.

Harry swatted the spells that came at him from behind the cloud of dust with his reiatsu infused hand and was surprised to see his hand turned into a furry wolf's paw.

_Tch. I knew that wouldn't work forever. He's sealed it off! I can't even cover the hand with reiatsu anymore!_

_Calm down Harry. Keep focused. There's nothing you can do about that hand at the moment. You haven't exactly reached that level of transfiguration yet. He seems to be building up reiatsu in his wand and I'm sure this one is a finisher. _

_Fucking hell! I swear I just want to turned transparent right about now._

_Don't that will raise a lot more questions that you're ready to answer for. Kido you can pass off as elf magic but your stalker arts must _not _be seen here._

_Damn... you think you can help me out a bit then?_

_You do know it's almost impossible to summon your Zanpakutou while you're in a gigai right?_

"Fucking shit!" Harry yelled as he let loose all the reiatsu he could muster to block the incoming torrent of white fire. The fire dissolved into thin air as Harry remember a particular spell he performed at Diagon Alley.

"Aguamenti!"

Several tons of water burst from his fingers and engulfed the entire arena. Dumbledore barely had time to shield himself as the water filled the arena. The dueling arena looked like a giant aquarium in a matter of seconds.

_I know what you're thinking. Don't do it._

_Why not? It'd be fun to see who falls first like this._

_I'm telling you, it won't work._

_Why the hell not?  
_

_Electricity won't conduct at all in pure water. You need ions present in order to do that._

_Damn. And just how did you know all this?_

_I'll explain later. Dumbledore is already making his move._

Dumbledore had a bubblehead charm on his entire body and was clearing a path in front of him by siphoning the water around him into a ball. Harry snapped his fingers and the same bubblehead appeared on his head. The ward around the arena was slowly dissipated the excess water slowly. Dumbledore stood there with a curious look on his face as the water receded. Harry's frustration only increased to see the old man wasn't even wet.

It was at that time that Harry had a sudden thought. _What the hell... this is fun!_

_Ha... you really _are_ a child._

"Well that was surprising. That was the first time someone tried to drown me to death!" Dumbledore chuckled.

Harry rolled his eyes at the geezer's carefree attitude. "Bakudo 4: Hainawa!"

Dumbledore saw what looked like yellow rope come towards him and immediately conjured a life sized stuffed bear in its path. The rope tangled the bear's arms as Dumbledore fired off another stunning spell in response.

Harry swatted the spell aside with his good hand and took another careful look at Dumbledore. The old man looked back at him cautiously, trying to gauge how much more he was hiding. Harry sighed. He couldn't reveal any more than this about his latent abilities. There was no other choice but to use _that_.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow which quickly turned into a frown as Harry snapped his fingers and out appeared the all too familiar glowing cylindrical object.

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this but it looks like I won't be able to win otherwise, Albus." Harry waved the Voodoo Dick in a wide arc, its glow increasing in intensity with each revolution. Dumbledore quickly cast protective charms and conjured many shields in response to the unknown threat. Not knowing what to expect, the old man kept his wand at the ready, eyeing the glowing weapon cautiously.

Harry smiled victoriously as the Voodoo Dick's reiatsu reached maximum. The loud rumbling of stones and grating of granite could be heard in the distance. Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock as the castle's astronomy tower disappeared with a loud pop. The gigantic looming shadow of the structure reappeared directly above him and before he could move a muscle, the thousand tons of stone and rubble crashed down with an earth shattering crack.

"Ha... haa... I did... it." Harry panted out and fell on his butt, exhausted. The Voodoo Dick disappeared with a soft pop and sparkle of golden light.

_Did that kill him?_

_Doubt it. You saw how many shields and magics he had up when you did that, Harry._

_Yes but no normal person would be alive after being crushed by a fucking _TOWER_ now would it?_

_You said they key word: normal. Besides do you really want him dead?_

_Well no but... Oh shut up._

He stared at the tower still sticking out of the arena like a giant erection and felt a sense of foreboding.

_Wait... didn't I win? Why haven't the—? Oh fuck me._

Harry groaned as a bloody, dust-covered Dumbledore apparated directly in front of him with his wand out.

"Stupefy."

===Break===

"Goddammit! So close too!" Harry's face twisted into a pout as he lay on his Zanpakutou's lap. The softness of the clouds underneath him did little to alleviate his disappointment.

"Well it's not a total loss."

"You remembered what happened?"

"If I'm right, the old man fainted just as you got hit with the stunner. You should be waking up in about ten seconds so you better think of something fast."

"Oh crud."

===Hospital Wing===

"Urrggh." Harry groaned, clutching his chest as he sat up, only to be pushed back down by a scowling Madame Pomfrey.

"Oh no you don't Mr. Potter. Patients should stay quietly in bed. Honestly! The things that children think about these days... You'd think we'd finally get some peace and quiet a decade after You-Know-Who's defeat!" She muttered angrily something about insolent brats and turned to the patient on the other bed.

"How long have I been here?" Harry asked groggily.

"It's been three days since that crazy stunt you pulled." She replied without turning around. "Thank Merlin no one was seriously hurt."

"And Albus?"

"That's Professor Dumbledore to you, Potter!" She snarled at him.

"I don't see why I should call him that. If memory serves me right, I am now Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"B—but that's..."

"He's quite right, Poppy." Dumbledore said from his bed. "Or to be more accurate, we are _both_ headmasters of Hogwarts."

Harry face palmed. He should have known something like this would happen. He could already feel the wards of the castle connected to him and Dumbledore. It disgusted him that he could actually feel the old man's presence from their connection with the castle.

"You should just go retire, old man."

"Potter!"

Dumbledore chuckled. "It's alright, Poppy. Although Harry didn't actually have a clear victory, Hogwarts herself recognized his worth and allowed him to be headmaster also. That _was_ a pretty impressive thing you did, Harry. I've never felt that excited in a duel since Grindelwald. I really thought I was going to die."

"You should have. That way I can take over this place."

Dumbledore chuckled once again as Madame Pomfrey huffed indignantly and threatened to make sure he sleeps another three days if he doesn't behave.

"Madame... I need to talk with Albus here so if you would please?" Harry beckoned to the door.

She raised an eyebrow at Dumbledore, who nodded, and stomped angrily out of the room.

"Now that she's gone, I believe we have a lot to talk about, Harry."

"How long have you been awake?"

"Oh, not much longer than you. I woke up the second day after the duel."

"You old wanker! That's cheating!"

"Would it make you feel better if I said I had a lot of paperwork stockpiled just from two days of unconsciousness?"

Harry snorted. "All the more reason to give me Hogwarts."

Albus looked at Harry with amusement. "And just why is it that you're so fixated on this relic of the past?"

"It's cause you're not doing your job properly and god knows how many more young minds you'll corrupt before you finally kick the bucket."

"Are you telling me you won't be corrupting our young students?" His eyes twinkled in amusement.

"I won't be doing any corrupting!" Harry yelled indignantly, then added quietly. "Well, maybe just a little."

"Being headmaster isn't all that easy, Harry. Sorry to remind you this, but no matter how mature you think you are, you're still only an eleven year old boy. You only get to live once so why not enjoy your youth to its fullest?"

"I try, Albus. Why else would you think I challenged you to a duel, knowing you're the strongest wizard around?"

"To take Hogwarts, maybe?"

"Oh... right."

"Well since Hogwarts has recognized us both as headmaster, I guess we need to figure out what to do with this rather peculiar situation."

"Simple. You should leave the school to me and play your politics with those other barmy old men in the government while I enjoy tormenting your students."

"You very well know I can't just do that."

"Not even if I offer you a lifetime supply of lemon drops?"

"You own a lifetime supply of lemon drops?"

"No, but that could be easily arranged."

"Sorry, Harry but I already have a lifetime supply of lemon drops."

"Oh damn."

"You know, Harry, when you first walked into this school, I would never have thought you already had such a desire for power. It's quite... troubling."

"Relax, Albus. I don't plan on turning into another Voldemort."

"Good to know. Quite perceptive, aren't you?"

"More than what most people think."

"I see... To think you were hatching this plan all this time. How... Slytherin of you."

"Can it, old man. Did you forget our little conversation days ago? I hate that segregation system. It makes people turn against each other when they should all be getting along and enjoying their youth. Speaking of which, how did the students react seeing their dear old headmaster pummeled by the astronomy tower?"

Albus frowned. "They actually thought I died."

Harry laughed. "Oh I can imagine their crying faces now."

"It's not funny. They had to cast a massive calming charm on all the students and assure them that I'm not dead. Was the large scale apparation also a power of the Voodoo Dick by the way?"

"You think?"

Dumbledore looked Harry over very carefully. The young, meek, blank slate he had been expecting to write upon was not even close to the complex mind the young boy before him seemed to have. Their first face to face talk had been horrible to say the least but now that he was talking normally, he seemed to be getting a good grasp of the boy's personality.

"Harry, if you don't mind me asking..."

"I don't."

"Well then. The magic you used in our little duel... that was elf magic wasn't it?"

"Damn. And I thought I had you wouldn't figure it out." Harry rolled his eyes.

"I'm curious as to how you learned to use elf magic. From what I know, humans shouldn't be able to..."

Harry snorted. "That just shows that no one's actually tried. Those little guys are more powerful than many of you wizards think. If they start a revolution, they could take over the world in three days."

"Oh dear. Let's hope they don't then."

"Anyways, enough about me. What do you plan on doing now that your not the only headmaster here?"

"I was hoping you would clue me in on your plans."

"Simple, Albus. I'll abolish the House system."

"You what?!"

"Well... maybe too extreme... But yeah, with the student government I'm planning to establish, that thing's good as dead."

Albus frowned. "Student government? Isn't that one of those things schools do in Japan?"

"Well, yes but I plan on expanding it a bit since this is a large school. Maybe have three branches... checks and balances you know?"

Albus shook his head. "I'm a bit reluctant about this, Harry. The idea of students governing themselves is a bit..."

"Oh shut it, Albus. You know most of these kids are old enough to think for themselves. This society just don't give them that privilege. We need people that can think and ask questions about how our world works, not mindless sheep that follow old traditions that should have been abolished long ago."

Albus frowned. "That's easier said than done."

"That just shows how incapable you are. Tch, can't even get an innocent teacher out of prison."

"She escaped for goodness' sake!"

"She wouldn't have needed to if you objected to her arrest!"

"What's done is done, now can we move on please?"

"Fine, but that doesn't mean I'll forgive you. Have we been on the newspaper yet? Having two headmasters would surely be a huge scoop for certain reporters."

"Sadly, no. Though many people already know about it, the general masses are more concerned about a mass murderer on the loose."

"Mass murderer?"

"It seems Sirius Black escaped with Miss Hinamori."

"I don't see how that's a problem. They're both innocent."

Dumbledore gaped. "And just how did you come by this information?"

"Let's just say I have my sources."

"I want to believe you but somehow I can't."

"You don't have to. You can just treat it as the delusions of a little kid."

"Even of they _are_ innocent, it still raises the question of _how_ they escaped. Azkaban is supposed to be impenetrable. The public would be rather disturbed to say the least. No one has ever escaped from Azkaban before."

"House elf maybe?"

"It's all speculation at this point but we seem to have gotten rather off topic. What were we talking about again?"

"Me destroying your school's rotten traditions?"

"Ah... before you do that, may I suggest getting closer to the other students first? Surely you don't think they'll just accept you just like that. You need to prove yourself to them. I think it wouldn't be until your second year before you can make any drastic changes to this school, Harry. The students need to get used to you so I suggest using this year to do just that."

Harry frowned. "I don't like sucking up to people."

"I leave to you how you want to do things then. Just remember that you can always talk to me if you need anything."

"You sure you don't have a fetish for young boys?"

"What?!"

"Nothing."

"What do you plan to do about your education? Surely, you wouldn't want to miss out on learning just to take care of administrative matters."

"I can learn the material easily, Albus. Though it _is_ hard without a wand. My fingers aren't nearly sophisticated enough to cast the spells properly."

"I see. We need to remedy that problem as soon as possible. I believe Mr. Ollivander is now back in business. I shall have a talk with him as soon as possible."

Harry nodded. "Yeah, you do that. What day is it?"

"I believe today's the day we should be having the Halloween feast."

Harry's eyes lit up. "I get to sit in your throne!"

"You sure you want to sit in an old man's chair?"

"On second thought, I'd get the house elves to make me one. Wouldn't want to catch your old man diseases now."

Albus chuckled. "I believe Poppy has set up an anti apparition ward here inside Hogwarts' own wards. She knows me too well... If we want to make it in time for the feast, I'm afraid I'll have to enlist the help of one of our little friends."

Harry nodded. "Kinky!"

A house elf appeared with a loud pop. "Yes, master Harry Potter sir?"

Harry smiled down at the elf. "Can you take this old man to his office?"

"Of course, Harry Potter sir! You's can always count on Kinky!"

Harry watched with amusement as the elf manhandle the old man out of his bed and disappear with a pop. After a moment of silence, he followed suit.

===Great Hall===

The Great Hall was bustling with more loud chatter than usual as the two headmasters took their seats at the center of the staff table. Many teachers were appalled at the new development and raised eyebrows as the pair sat.

"I hope you have a good explanation for this, Albus." McGonagall glared at the old man.

Harry sighed. "And no one even asks me for my input. I'm headmaster too you know."

She snorted. "Hogwarts must have gone senile, letting a child become headmaster."

"Now, now, Minerva. I'm sure Hogwarts has her reasons and I can assure you Harry is more than capable of handling the responsibilities of a headmaster. It would just take a bit of time to catch him up on his magical studies to reach a level of mastery but it shouldn't take long. From what I gathered, Harry is quite the genius."

"Then why wasn't he sorted into my House?" Flitwick asked, outraged.

"The hat did say I could fit in with any of the Houses but I chose Hufflepuff. They seemed to be the normal ones. Perfect for not standing out too much."

Harry saw Snape give a brief nod of approval before turning back to his food.

"By the way, where's Quirrell?"

"He said he would be a bit late for tonight's feast. Said something about vanishing wardrobes."

Albus nodded and stood to give his Halloween speech.

Harry felt a tingle from Hogwarts trying to tell him something. He reached out his senses through his connection with the castle's reiatsu and found an intruder in the dungeons.

He looked up at Albus, who seemed to be merrily giving his speech, ignoring Hogwart's urgent message.

_Why isn't he doing anything? He should have felt it too!_

_He probably don't want to cause panic among the students._

Harry stared at Albus as he assured the students that he is alive and back in action.

The doors suddenly burst open, revealing a wide eyed Quirrell.

"Troll! Troll in the dungeons! Just thought you'd know." He said before fainting in a heap on the floor.

There was a moment of silence before pandemonium broke loose. Chairs and midgets were pushed out of the way as everyone stood up and ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.

"SILEEENCE!" Albus roared through an amplified voice. The students immediately stopped moving and stared back at him. "Will you all please calmly follow your heads of house to your common rooms while me and the rest of the professors take care of this?"

The students calmed down and immediately and followed his instructions.

"Albus, mind telling me just how in the hell a troll entered the castle?" Harry eyed the old man suspiciously.

"I wouldn't mind knowing that, myself."

Harry didn't like the tone of the old man but decided to let it go for now. Even if the old man seems to be scheming something, there are more pressing matters at hand. He grabbed Albus and snapped his fingers, apparating straight into the dungeons.

===Break===

Hermione Granger let out another loud wail as she sobbed in the girl's bathroom.

_Stupid Ron!_ She yelled in her mind furiously. Charms had been worse than usual, especially since the Ravenclaws had to take it with the Gryffindors that day. They were learning how to use the levitation charm, _Wingardium Leviosa._ As per usual, she was the quickest to perform the spell. She was vaguely aware of the dark looks that her classmates threw in her direction as Professor Flitwick complimented her and awarded Ravenclaw house points.

She knew that they were just jealous of her intelligence and ability and put it out of her mind. Needless to say, she hasn't even made one friend after entering Hogwarts, not counting that fateful encounter in the train.

She also knew that blaming the Weasley brat would not solve anything. She had experienced ridicule and insults in the past but she bravely endured them, thinking she was special. Getting an invitation to Hogwarts School of Magic only confirmed and reinforced that belief.

She looked at herself in the mirror and wiped her reddening eyes. This wasn't the first time she had gone to the bathroom to cry but today's weeping session was more extreme than usual.

She looked closer in the mirror and froze in fear. She was barely able to let out a scream of terror as the troll swung its gigantic club down at her.

"Kyaaaaa!"

She scrambled out of the way as the giant club smashed through the sinks and crashed the toilet stalls in a wide sweeping arc. Pieces of stone and marble fell on Hermione as a cloud of dust formed from the destruction.

The troll sniffed the air and turned towards her, giant club raised in the air. The air whistled as it came crashing down.

_Oh, god I'm going to die! No! NO! NO! NO!_

**Snap!**

Hermione opened her eyes, believing she had died. To her surprise, she was floating outside the restroom. The troll inside seemed to be looking around in confusion as it shook its club from the floor where a gaping hole had formed from the impact.

"Why is it that you always smell like piss when we meet? You have that kind of fetish or something?" A familiar voice snickered.

Hermione's eyes widened as she spotted the speaker. "Harry Potter!"

"Hey that's _Headmaster_ Potter to you."

"B—but that's... eeeww no!"

"Harry, would you please let her down?" Another voice said.

"Professor Dumbledore?" She breathed out as she fell to the ground, rubbing her butt.

"Miss Granger, please head on over to the Hospital Wing. Harry and I will take care of matters here."

Hermione looked from Harry to Albus and nodded. She walked away with staggering steps, clutching the hem of her robes in a very familiar manner.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You sure you should just send her off like that? What if she falls somewhere along the way?"

"I was hoping you would volunteer to escort her."

"Now just why the hell would I want to do that?"

"I don't know why she was here instead of at the Halloween feast but she seems quite distraught and it would only be good etiquette to offer—"

A loud roar came from the bathroom as the troll poked its head through the door way. It charged as soon as it saw the two bickering.

"Harry, would you mind taking this one?"

"Ehhhh?" Harry whined. "But I don't feel like it."

"We have no choice, Harry. You're the only one of us capable of using magic at the moment."

"What?! Then why did you want me to go with her? Never mind. I shouldn't waste time trying to understand how senile old minds work." Harry cursed under his breath and lazily snapped his fingers as the troll reached him.

The troll swung its club down, only to find the club disappeared. The look of surprise on its hideous face was almost comical as the club reappeared in the center of its chest with loud pop. Blood gushed from the edges of the impaled area as veins and arteries opened. Chunks of internal organs flew out as the club disappeared, staining the walls red. The club and the troll fell into a crumpled heap at the same time, still gushing out blood.

"Impressive." Albus nodded approvingly. "Why didn't you do that when we were dueling?"

Harry sighed. "Too much shit flying at me. The maximum I can apparate at a time is five objects, and even then, most of my concentration would be used up, leaving me open for all your other attacks."

"I see. It almost scares me just how strong you'll be with a proper wand."

Harry just grinned mischievously, sending shivers down Albus' spine.

"What do you say about apprenticing to me, Harry? It would almost be a waste of your talents if you stick with the standard curriculum."

"Have you gone senile, Albus? I already told you I hate you. I'd rather spend time with the others than get stuck with your wrinkly ass."

"Love and hate are but two sides of the same coin, Harry."

===Break===

Ollivander looked over his store proudly. The shelves of wands have been restored to their former glory as well as the other parts of his store. He silently cursed his meeting with the Potter brat as it put him out of business for months. But now that he was back up and running again, he couldn't help but feel a wave of pleasure from the prospect of making and selling wands again.

The door rang as a customer quietly walked in.

"Welcome! Oh, hello there, Professor Dumbledore. What can I do for you this fine morning?"

"I find myself in need of a wand, Mr. Ollivander."

"In need of a wand? Wasn't your old wand still working properly the last time we met?"

Albus' face contorted in a sign of longing and sadness. "It seems it doesn't recognize me as its master anymore."

===Break===

A/N:

If anyone forgot what a 'second' is, it's someone who takes over for a combatant who is unable to continue the duel.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.


	8. Just what kind of brain do you have?

A/N:

Don't really know how I feel about this chapter. Could have been better but meh, I was out of ideas. Anyway, there's some Harry x Hermione bonding moments in this chapter. However, I highly doubt their relationship will turn into that of love but we'll see.

A couple of minor references to a movie, a nursery rhyme and a book/movie in this chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter 7: "Just what kind of brain do you have?!"

Albus Dumbledore sat in his office with a slight frown as he contemplated recent events. He had somehow convinced Harry to mingle among his peers while taking extra lessons at the same time. To his surprise, Harry had shown proficient ability in performing up to at least fifth year level of spells. He was at first reluctant to give to Harry his wand, quite possibly the most powerful wand that ever existed, after Harry's impressive, but disturbing ability to take a life so easily. He had to do something about that soon. Harry needs to learn that all life is precious and should not be taken without remorse.

Harry's unexpected move to try and topple him off his high chair threw a big wrench into his plans but nothing he couldn't work with. Being a second Headmaster assured Albus that he would still have some influence on the boy.

A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts as he told the person to come in.

The greasy haired Potions Master came in, looking more pristine than usual in his dark robes. "Repairs on the astronomy tower is complete. We should be able to resume classes tomorrow."

"Good good." Albus nodded approvingly. "By the way, how is he, Severus?"

A brief look of pride passed over Snape's face before it was replaced by his usual sneer. "The boy seemed to have quite the talent for potion making, much like his mother. He is not trapped by the instructions in the book and seeks new and better ways to improve upon the procedures based on his knowledge of how each ingredient interacts with each other. If this talent is polished and handled with care, he will no doubt become a Potions Master. I'm beginning to wonder if he really is that bastard's son."

Albus chuckled. "I've never heard you compliment someone out of your House before, Severus."

Snape snorted. "I am merely stating the facts."

"Have you discerned at what level his potion making is?"

"He still has much to learn as he had never attempted the more advanced potions in the upper years books due to lack of resources but by the end of the year, I'm sure he will be up to fifth year at the least."

Albus gaped. "He's that good?"

"I believe he will be able to claim the title of Potions Master by his seventh year of study or maybe even earlier."

"Wow... he really might consider world domination at this rate."

"Told you, Albus." The Sorting Hat piped in from its perch.

"Severus, since he seems to have you in high regard, will you please impress upon him that one must not kill? His readiness to take a life is quite disturbing. In the meantime, I shall try and avert him from the path of becoming another Dark Lord."

Snape arched an eyebrow at this. "You want _me_ to talk about the value of life?"

"The boy is at a very delicate point in his life, Severus. I was hoping you could be somewhat of a... trusted adult for him."

Snape considered this for a bit, thinking of just how much he had loved Lily. He would have to play a very Slytherin role in this if he didn't want his emotions exposed.

"I'll see what I can do."

===Break===

"Albus, that child... what exactly is he?" A bewildered looking deputy headmistress asked with wide eyes.

"Talking about Harry?"

"Who else?" She snapped back with a slight bit of irritation in her voice.

"Oh dear. What did he do now? Pass your sixth year transfiguration exam with flying colors?"

McGonagall was taken aback. "How did you know?"

"Wild guess. Want a lemon drop?"

She declined the offer and promptly began her rant about Harry's abilities. "When I did my first assessment, he was at third year level at least but just yesterday, he passed my sixth year tests! And to top it off, he even cast up to fifth year level spells without using his wand!"

"He did demonstrate the ability to perform wandless magic before..." Albus rubbed his beard thoughtfully as he popped another lemon drop into his mouth.

"That's not what I mean, Albus. He didn't even use any sort of incantation or hand movements to perform the spell! He merely glared at the thing and the next second, it was already an ostrich! This is not normal, Albus!"

"Now that's new... The last wizard to ever perform Thought Magic was Merlin himself."

"Surely you're not saying the boy is the reincarnation of Merlin?" McGonagall snorted in disbelief.

A knock interrupted their conversation as the midget professor of Charms walked in.

"I take it our young prodigy is doing well, Filius?" Albus asked sarcastically.

Flitwick grimaced. "Quite the opposite actually. He failed all my tests. Couldn't even perform a single levitation charm."

Albus and McGonagall gaped.

"Well this was unexpected... and to think he was doing so well in his other classes too."

"I simply thought he couldn't do it before because he lacked a wand but now that he has one, the results are still the same."

"At least we know he still has some areas he needs to work on. I was starting to worry he was turning into a god."

"I wouldn't put it past the author to make him into one actually." Flitwick said with a sly grin.

"What?"

"Nothing."

===Break===

"Glad to see you're finally talking to us, Harry. We were worried you were turning into a hermit." Justin Finch-Fletchley said over breakfast.

"That was bloody brilliant—"

"Never in our lives-"

"Have we ever dreamed-"

"Someone would have the balls-"

"To actually challenge-"

"The old fart into a duel."

"How'd you pull that off anyway?" The twins grinned widely from ear to ear as they approached Hufflepuff table.

"As proud pranksters and honorary upholders of the legacy of the Marauders, we're afraid we cannot let this opportunity pass. Right Gred?"

"Right, Forge. We were a bit skittish over pranking Dumbledore since he's headmaster but you should be fair game, right?"

Harry glanced up at the grinning redheaded twins with interest.

_How come I never knew such interesting people existed in this boring ass school?_

_Maybe 'cause you never bothered to look?_

_Right..._

"You two leave him alone! Harry has enough problems being Headmaster and all and he doesn't need you two—" Hannah Abbott started before Harry cut her off.

"Do your worst. Frankly, I would like a break from all the extra studying and tedious work. Albus is doing most of the administrative stuff while I learn the ropes but it's still a lot even with two of us doing it. Do you know how stressful it is to handle the teachers' salaries? Binns kept demanding he get paid for teaching and asked for his centuries worth of salary. I had to keep reminding him he's dead and can't leave the castle to use his pay anyways. The teachers seems to have accepted my position but unless I reach at least their level of expertise, they wouldn't listen to me. So they decided to drill me hard with extra lessons so I could catch up to them fast. A little bit of excitement would be helpful once in a while so by all means, Gred, Forge."

Everyone listening had shock on their faces at this assessment of what a Headmaster's life was like. They had more or less assumed he was free of classes and had power over the teachers while he sat in the high chair while others do the work for him. No one expected Headmasters had this much to worry about.

"Will do mate." The twins patted him on the back and went their way.

"Wow. Didn't expect you to be doing that much, Harry. Guess my aunt was right. Professor Dumbledore does have a lot on his plate." Susan Bones said sympathetically.

Harry winced. "That's a huge understatement."

"So how good are you now? Surely with the extra lessons of the professors you'd at least be able to pass this year's end of year exam easily right?" Ernie Macmillan asked.

"Well... Snape said I'd at least be at fifth year level in Potions and D.A.D.A (Dumbledore don't seem to trust Quirrell for some reason) and McGonagall said I'd be a sixth year in Transfiguration. History of Magic... I don't give a shit about. And I'd be fourth year in Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology, Magical Theory, Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. Flitwick said I'm the worst Charms student he's ever had though. If he didn't know any better, he'd guess I'm a squib."

Harry paused when he realized people were gaping at him, their eyes wide with shock. It seems even the entire Ravenclaw table had their eyes on him.

"You take on that many classes at once?"

"And you're advanced in all of them!"

"Just what kind of brain do you have!?"

"Bloody hell! You could teach us instead of Snape!"

"You really want to add more to my workload? God, you guys are sadistic." Harry winced.

"You owe us at least that much. We were really worried about you, thought you'd gone mad, doing what you did."

"What makes you so sure I'm not?"

It was true. Ever since Harry became Headmaster, all he ever found was work, work, work, and more work. His brain barely had time to rest before there were more lessons to be learned, Albus' rants about good and evil to sit through, and more administrative duties to finish. He was beginning to wonder when his brain would finally crack at the onslaught of information. He was almost thankful his House were the loyal sheep they were. Most of the student body reacted to his duel with Dumbledore with fear and others with loathing while some with pure jealousy. The outcome of him being the Headmaster only spurred more hatred that stemmed from jealousy and fear. As one of his favorite teachers had said, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. He wondered just when the hate would turn into suffering. He really looked up to that green little alien from the movies.

Kohakuirohime was sympathetic in that she ceased all strenuous training in order to let his mind and spiritual body to recuperate. Honestly, Harry found the intense schedule exhilarating. He always had a thirst for knowledge, always had, always will. But sometimes, he would just want to take a break from it all and run around with his friends and get in trouble like a normal child. Oh how he wished for his two best friends to be there. Hell, even Lisa, in all her perverted glory would be welcomed with open arms. He briefly toyed with the idea of bringing her to Hogwarts but decided there were just too many young minds for her to corrupt. Maybe he'd just need to talk to Albus to lessen his load a bit but that would just question his conviction on the path he took.

And so it was at the library one Saturday morning after a week of sleepless nights that he thought he finally cracked.

He woke up the same as usual. The mindfuck was still lingering in his brain but he had learned to live with it. The new things he was learning every day were starting to stockpile into his head and he defragmented and organized them to he best of his ability. After some mental calculations, he figured he still had about sixty percent of his brain still capable of memory storage. Even if it did fill up, he was still a growing child so he would have lots of time to gain more.

Or so he thought.

Whatever he thought his state of mind was, he wasn't prepared to start... seeing things. It started off with just colors. It seemed as if the world was somehow bathed in bright, glowing auras of different shades. The air shimmered with a pale, silvery glow and he could see the castle seemed to glow a soft, comforting yellow. Objects, animate and inanimate, both had their own auras. Even the people were glowing. He briefly wondered if he was high and quickly dismissed the thought, reasoning that his recent addiction to learning wouldn't give him the same symptoms as someone addicted to drugs (not that he knew what that was like but he heard stories). He rubbed his eyes but the lights remained so he chose to accept them as part of the weird and wonderful things that always seem to like to bite him in the ass.

A bit of curiosity washed over him and he took out his wand. To his surprise, it wasn't glowing at all. In fact, it seemed to absorb the glow in the air and the glow that emanated from his own body as well. He snapped his fingers and conjured a chair. Like the wand, it also drew in the glow from his reiatsu but in larger quantities. His jaw dropped as he finally understood what was happening to him.

He could see magic.

Or more specifically, the spiritual make up of everything in existence. To his surprise, the ambient energy in the air and surroundings appear to have a will of its own. It shifted and changed with no visible pattern. He ran a hand through the air and felt a light electric zap run through his body. It wasn't painful nor pleasant, only... shocking.

As he walked to the library to find a book to find out about this new development, he noticed the magic in the air flow around people, not touching them. The magic avoided him also and zapped him when he tried to touch. He decided to leave it alone for now and headed to his destination.

===Break===

By the time he reached the library, Harry didn't know which was real and which was his delusions anymore. Although he was pretty sure the turtles racing up against the walls were purely his imagination. He sighed and nodded to Madame Pince, the vulture-like librarian. She merely scowled back at him, apparently not caring about his status. Her expression promised unrestricted violence if he was to damage any of her books.

He could still feel her watchful gaze on him as he toured a section on books about magical sight and delusions. He picked out a couple of books and went to sit down at the far corner and away from the curious looks of stressed out fifth years that would be taking their O.W.L.s that year. To his surprise, the corner seat was already taken.

The bushy brown haired girl was surrounded by books piled in towering heaps around her. Anyone could tell with just one look that her brain was being worked to death by all she was trying to take in. A dark cloud of gloom seemed to float over her as she scowled at the text.

"You need to slow that down. If you don't, your brain might explode." Harry said with a pained tone, remembering that even if he loved studying, there are times when too much is just too much.

She gave him a brief glance before continuing to read.

Harry sat down in the seat across from her and studied her aura with a bit of alarm. From what he could tell, the girl was losing her mind.

Harry sighed in exasperation as she continued to ignore him and did what he does best: fucking with people.

He leaned over her shoulder so that his head is just beside hers as he pretended to read. She didn't even notice he was there as he spoke into her ear.

"Ahh... this book. I know just the way it went! The Cat died in the end!" Harry said excitedly.

Hermione squeaked in surprise and outrage. How dare he spoil the ending for her?

She didn't even remember that what she was reading was a textbook. Her slightly clouded, reddening eyes stared back at him with anger and confusion. Judging from the bags in her eyes, she hasn't been getting much sleep lately and from the looks of the books around her, Harry concluded she was trying to do the same thing he is: studying ahead.

_And failing very miserably at that. _Harry thought with a touch of pity. _Does this girl even have friends?_

"Y—you... how could you?" She began to sob.

Harry grinned wickedly. "Hohoho. You don't even know half of it. In the middle of the story, the girl catches the rabbit and cooks him in the Hatter's house. When the Queen found out what they did to her favorite White Rabbit, she ordered her men to capture her and execute the Hatter without trial. Poor Alice had to serve the rest of her life as a slave to the Queen's men as punishment for eating her favorite White Rabbit. That was when the Cat took pity on her and tried to rescue her from the Queen's grip, only to get captured and die a horrible death. By the time they were done with him, not even all the King's horses or the King's men could put him together again. They displayed his crucified corpse in front of the gates as a reminder to all the creatures of the forest. You don't fuck with the Queen. Or her rabbits for that matter."

Hermione let out a small whimper of horror as Harry finished. Her aura flashed a bright orange and was steadily reaching the levels of brilliant red as her mind broke down. Harry caught her as she fell, unconscious in his arms.

===Break===

"Sweet Merlin, what happened here?" A familiar voice asked with worry.

"I found her collapsed in the library, Ma'am. I think she overworked herself."

Hermione struggled to get her bearings as she opened her eyes. She shuddered as she vaguely remembered a dream about white rabbits and queens of hearts. In more ways than one, the dream was very real and very, very disturbing.

She heard a hmpf of disapproval followed by a warm sensation that filled her body.

"I just performed a diagnosis and found a severe lack of nutrition and rest. I'll be keeping her in for the night, Mr. Potter."

Harry nodded and Madam Pomfrey left the room, leaving Hermione at Harry's mercy.

A wolfish grin passed by his face and was quickly replaced by a fake expression of concern. Hermione shuddered at the swiftness of Harry's transition but stayed quiet.

"Studying is good and all but you should pace yourself. I won't tolerate more of my students having a mental breakdown, Hermione. We have enough OWLs and NEWTs students to worry about as it is." Harry shook his head.

"B—but you're doing it! So why can't I?"

"Having a mental breakdown?"

"No, studying ahead!"

Harry continued to shake his head. "You have to accept the fact that there are people who can do things you can't, Hermione. Besides, there is more to life than learning. I know how fun it is but sometimes you just need to take it easy hang out with people or somethin'."

Hermione couldn't believe her ears. "Hang out with people? When there's so much out there to learn?"

"The world doesn't simply turn on knowledge, little girl. It's true that nerds make the world go round but it's also money that provides the power for nerds to do what they need to do. And even then, nerds work together to make advancements. One person cannot do everything by himself. You need to learn to work with people."

_You hypocrite. _His Zanpakutou chided.

_Oh shush. I'm not an adult so I can be as much of a hypocrite as I want._

"But they don't like me... Just when I thought I finally had a place to belong..." She sniffled.

"Well I do find you to be quite annoying." Harry said truthfully.

"What?"

"Ever wondered _why_ they don't like you?"

"Because I'm smarter than them?"

"No, it's because you like to rub it in their face. Nobody likes to get a constant reminder that someone is better than them. You're smart, we get it. Now that we have that established, why don't you stop acting like you got a big one stuck up your ass and think about the people around you. And it would help if you find something else to talk about other than books or school."

"But what else is there?"

Harry sighed. This is going to take a lot of work.

_Then why bother?_

_Would you leave people to drown if you can do something about it?_

_She's not worth it Harry._

_Meh it's going to be a big project but... I think it'll be fun._

_Do what you want then. Just don't be too harsh on her okay?_

_I make no such promises. _Harry thought back with an evil grin.

"What else is there? Hermione, have you ever went outside and actually do stuff?"

"I occasionally go outside to read books..."

"Forget books for a sec dammit! Have you ever done something that made your heart race?"

Hermione blushed. "Made my heart race? I—I've never done anything like that!"

Harry grinned. "Well there's a first time for everything. How about you come with me then? I'll make sure you have the time of your life."

"B—but we can't leave school without permission..."

"I'm Headmaster remember? It'll be fine."

"B—but still..."

"It'll be fine. Just trust me."

Hermione looked deep in Harry's eyes and only saw compassion there. She turned her head quickly to hide her blush.

"F—fine but please be gentle with me."

Harry grinned as she took his offered hand and with a snap of his fingers, they were gone.

===Break===

Hermione was falling.

Her screams were lost to the sound of rushing wind as the pull of gravity had her pummeling down to the earth. Harry was slightly above her, laughing with maniacal glee. A flock of angry birds squawked as they fell through and broke their flying formation.

She knew she shouldn't have trusted the boy. Forget about her heart racing. She's about to have a heart attack! Never in her life had she experienced such terror. She thought with panic that in a matter of minutes, she'll be nothing more than a red sludge in the ocean.

Harry seemed to be saying something but she couldn't hear his words nor does she care much. Her mind was filled with thoughts of painful anticipation. She could already feel herself hitting the water and shattering from the impact. Her life flashed before her eyes and she remembered she still had many things to do in life. She began to regret many things. Things that she would have never even thought about came to her mind as she was on the brink of death, thousands of feet in the sky and quickly falling.

Harry smiled and took out his wand and with a simple flick, Hermione felt the soft texture of a carpet caress her back and gently lift her up. She tumbled from the sudden catch and almost fell off had the carpet not reacted and tilted its sides like a bowl to catch her. Harry landed a second later with a big smirk on his face.

"Now that was fun!" He declared as he pumped his fists in the air. The carpet glided gracefully as it rode on natural air currents, propelling them across a vast, wide ocean.

Hermione just sat there in shock as the adrenaline receded from her body. She was still in disbelief that she was still somehow alive.

"You didn't piss yourself this time." Harry said with approval. Normally, she would have punched him for that but she was too shaken at the moment to say anything.

"Do you do this often?" She finally managed to croak out.

"Nope, but I've always wanted to try skydiving." He grinned.

Hermione clutched her chest, feeling her heart thumping loudly. "I thought you were going to kill me."

Harry laughed. "And why would I kill you?"

"Because you're crazy!"

"Don't worry, you're just about as sane as I am."

"I don't duel with professors and I definitely don't skydive without a parachute and an adult's permission!" She said indignantly.

If anything, this caused Harry to laugh even harder. "With that kind of mindset and all those books you read, you'll eventually overtake me in terms of craziness. I didn't turn out like this without a reason you know."

Hermione gaped. "I'll turn out like you?"

"You'll be even worse. I took pity on you and tried to stop you from making the same mistakes as I did. I don't want you to turn out like me."

"By taking me skydiving? Where's the logic in that?"

Harry just shrugged. "Could have done anything really. Just wanted to show you that there's more to life than you think."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in the breathtaking view of the ocean passing by below them. After a while, a coastline appeared.

"How did you make a hover charm last this long?" Hermione finally asked in curiosity. "And this carpet should have disappeared a long time ago!"

Harry shrugged. "It's not a hover charm. Believe it or not, I can't even cast simple charms. This carpet was actually already magical when I conjured it. Don't know how it happened but ever since I got my wand, it seems I was able to do many things I first thought impossible."

Hermione frowned in thought but let it go for the moment. They were approaching the island fast. Fishing villages came into view as well as fishermen hauling their day's worth of catch. Huts made of wood were visible in the distance just before a forest of coconut trees.

"Harry... where are we?"

"Some island in the Pacific I guess."

"Some island? Which one? There's dozens of them!"

"Dunno. I didn't exactly have an exact location in mind when I apparated us." He shrugged dismissively, letting Hermione gawk at his carefree manner.

The flying carpet took a detour on the side away from people's eyes. They landed in a thick patch of vegetation as the carpet disappeared. Harry immediately took off while Hermione stumbled along in his wake.

"Where are we going?"

"Exploring." Came the immediate reply. "Want a coconut?"

Hermione declined but he already had one in his hands and had conjured a knife, easily shedding the outer layers and piercing the soft flesh underneath. With another flick of his wand, he conjured at straw and punched it through the thin exposed white flesh. He handed it to Hermione with a grin, who took it cautiously.

"T—this is delicious!" She exclaimed with pleasure as she sipped the warm liquid inside.

Harry's grin widened and he opened one up for himself as they trekked through the rough terrain. He transfigured their clothes to fit the environment, changing the thick school robes with tough but lighter clothing that kept insects away and magically enhanced boots that tore through anything that might trip them.

They had trekked for nearly an hour before Harry decided to rest. Hermione sat gratefully on a piece of fallen tree and sighed with relief. A multitude of insects buzzed off in the distance, giving the scene an eerily realistic feel.

"I want to go back." Hermione whined as she rubbed her sore feet. This kind of strenuous activity was new to her. She had never had to do much physical activity before. Her unused muscles were sore and she felt like she would collapse at any moment.

"Nope. If we go back now, you'll just bury yourself in your books again. We're not returning until you learn your lesson."

"What lesson?! There's nothing here!"

Harry only gave her a secretive grin and sat cross legged on the ground and told her to do the same. She was baffled but with nothing else to do, complied with his orders. She closed her eyes, feeling stupid.

For a few seconds, nothing happened but suddenly, her senses received a barrage of sensory information from her surroundings. Hot, humid air covered her in thick, viscous sweat as a variety of smells assaulted her olfactory. Sweet fruits, rotting carcasses, salty ocean breeze, the metallic taste of blood, slithering sound of snakes, the fall of water in the distance, the chirping of birds, and a number of miscellaneous signs of life all pooled into one giant overwhelming mass as it reached her. She felt small and insignificant. She gasped for breath as she realized something. The forest was alive.

She opened her eyes and saw Harry staring back at her with an amused smile on his face. "Better than reading books isn't it?"

"That... was amazing." She managed to breath out, still in awe.

_Perfect. Now that she's open, I can begin. _

Harry began to speak. It didn't really matter how much of what he said was nonsense but as he infused his words with magic, a technique he learned recently in secret, there's no doubt his words would reach the soul of the listener.

"The world isn't as set in stone as you think. My father always used to tell me not to just believe in everything I'm told, to always question the things we took for granted. He told me life is an ever changing, dynamic mass of pure nonsense that's impossible to sift through even in several lifetimes. That's why everyone chooses a path they want to follow for life in order to have a purpose in living. However, there is no set number to just how many paths you want to follow. I was afraid you were limiting your choices by choosing to isolate yourself from others after all the rejection you received but you have to understand there is much more to them than just choosing not to be with you. You have been blinded by the current belief that you have cultivated through long years of isolation. Because of this you never bothered to step back and open your eyes to take a look at what you have become and question yourself if you really _are_ right in your beliefs. Just like now, your eyes weren't open the way you think and therefore, you didn't notice the many different facets of life in this forest until I forced your exhausted brain to take a break. There are more to people than they appear. Just because they rejected you once doesn't mean your existence means nothing to them. People are complex creatures. They can easily change their mind once you give them a good reason to do so. Who knows, maybe if you stop and look at yourself for once, you'll realize just how annoying you were to them, and then perhaps you can change that aspect of yourself to be a more pleasant person to be around with."

Hermione rubbed her watering eyes as his magic infused words sunk in. No matter how much she wanted to deny it, she knew deep down that he was right. Throughout her childhood, she was the target of bullying because of the weird things that always seemed to happen around her. It didn't help that she was the smartest out of all of them either. She tried her best to ignore them and focused all her attention to studying, creating a barrier by isolating herself from the rest of the kids. She had lost faith in people her age and put her whole trust in adults, whom she was told could solve all of her problems. And yet thinking back on it now, she realized she could have done so much more to try and solve her problems.

"Do you understand now?" Harry said with a gentle smile.

Hermione nodded, still wiping her tears. "Would you be my friend?"

Harry grinned. "I actually thought of you as an experimental subject until now, but yes, friends sounds fine too."

===Break===

Harry sat in Dumbledore's chair with his feet propped up on the desk, still in a good mood from a good day's work. He had no doubt Albus would be furious for him taking a student out of school, even if just briefly, thousands of miles away to an unknown island in the middle of nowhere but he didn't think of it much. After all the work he's been doing for the last few weeks, he felt he deserved a break and skydiving proved an exhilarating enough experience. Besides, what's the point of being a Headmaster if he can't mess with his students all he wants?

His thoughts were interrupted as an owl knocked on Dumbledore's window, carrying a letter. Harry let the owl in just as he felt Albus' presence walk up the stairs leading to the office. The letter was addressed to the headmaster so Harry felt it was safe to open.

_My good friend, Albus_

_You are really testing the strength of our friendship here. I have sent you many owls requesting back what you have stolen from me and yet you chose to ignore my plea. I don't know just what you're planning to do with the Philosopher's Stone but I really need it back. My wife and I are nearing the end of our ropes here and we're afraid we cannot wait until the end of the year for you to return it. I know how you said it would be safer in Hogwarts, but I can assure you I am capable enough to take care of my treasures. I don't mean to sound rude but I just want it back._

_Your old friend,_

_Nicolas Flamel_

Harry finished reading the letter just as the door opened and in came the glowing blue aura of a slightly annoyed Albus Dumbledore.

"Harry what is this about taking a student out of school without permission?"

"I don't see the need to ask for your permission, Albus. But if you really must know, I was merely helping a student cope with her problems. You, on the other hand, have much explaining to do." Harry handed Albus the letter and watched as the old man's face turned to look like that of a child caught shoplifting by security.

"What the hell, Albus? I thought you're supposed to be a role model. Turns out you're just a petty thief. Just what the hell is wrong with you? I want to know everything about this. _Now._"

===Break===

I know that scene in the forest could have been done better but I really am just bad at that stuff so please forgive me.

Next chapter, Harry goes to France.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.


	9. How long are you gonna make me wait?

A/N:

Updates are going to slow down considerably after this chapter as classes start this coming week. I'll try to find the time to keep writing but knowing my cell biology and organic chemistry classes, I doubt I'll be able to.

There is a reference to a few books and a korean webtoon in this chapter. I seem to be doing that a lot lately but meh. The books I referred to is actually the reason why we read and write this kind of thing anyway.

Rated M as always.

Now without further ado, here's chapter 8. Enjoy.

Chapter 8: "How long are you gonna make me wait?"

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Supreme Mugwump etc., was not a stupid man.

Despite the many challenges to his sanity, he still proved to be quite mentally sound. His addiction to lemon drops was another matter.

He knew he was busted and he was not gonna get out of this one. Without any other choice, he decided to spill everything to Harry. The boy's face darkened with each sentence he spoke but he knew if he stopped now, there would be heavy consequences.

"Let me get this straight. You knew Voldemort will come back and hunt down the Philosopher's Stone to make himself a body and yet you took the so called stone into a school full of children with plans to trap him?" Harry's tone was a cold drawl, devoid of emotion yet hinting unrestricted violence at the same time.

Albus flinched, only then realizing the foolishness of the ordeal as it was pointed out to him in blunt terms.

"I only did what I thought was best and acted upon it. I can assure you the students were not in any danger."

"Not in any danger?! You have Voldemort as part of your staff! You knew and yet you let him teach a bunch of defenseless school children?!" Harry face palmed. Then he face palmed again. And again. He finished with a double face palm. Sometimes the fail is so great just one isn't enough.

Albus paled at the sight of the murderous glint in Harry's eyes. He had never seen him this furious before. It was frightening, more frightening than fighting Grindelwald or Voldemort. The air around the boy distorted, as if affected by a heat haze and formed mirages of disturbing premonitions.

"You will get that damned stone out of this castle _now_." Harry said in a tone that brook no arguments.

Albus could only nod as he led the way to the third floor corridor.

===Break===

The giant, three headed dog stared down in confusion at the little boy that stood before it, wielding a stick in one hand and a dildo in the other. It had tried pouncing on the boy but to its surprise, the boy growled back at it, showing no hint of fear or hesitation as he approached. The giant dog took small, hesitating steps backwards, trying to put as much distance between it and the menacing figure before it. For the first time in its life, the dog felt overwhelming terror. Instinct took over and the dog tried to escape away, away from this creature of the highest order that stood before it. It let loose a loud, whimpering cry just as the boy began to speak.

"Kneel."

The dog's limbs gave way and it immediately found itself prostrating itself to the boy, head down in silent prayer as more terrified whimpers escaped from its throat.

Dumbledore stood dumbstruck at the ease at which Harry easily cleared his first trap. The boy's aura was so intimidating that even he felt compelled to kneel when the order was given. Harry gave the large beast one last meaningful look before opening the trap door and peering at the darkness underneath.

"Devilsnare." He said with a bored tone and aimed his wand downwards, sending a stream of white hot flames that burned the plant so viciously not even ashes remained.

Albus followed meekly as Harry jumped down the trapdoor and landed softly onto the room below. They walked into the next room and an immediate buzzing filled their ears as a large swarm of flying keys zoomed all around the room with a broomstick floating loosely in the air.

Harry ignored the keys and broomstick and aimed his wand at the door, casting an overpowered blasting curse that sent the door flying through to the next room where a life sized chess board lay waiting. Th door struck the middle of the board and the pieces immediately formed a defensive formation, preventing advancement to the next room.

Harry aimed his wand at the the chess pieces and channeled the bare minimum amount of his reiatsu in his wand. He saw through his eyes that unlike normal magic, Kido spells needed to have reiatsu consciously channeled to a point before casting, whereas with the aid of a wand, the wand simply takes the appropriate amount needed to cast the spell and amplifying it. For those with enough control however, it was possible to fuel more into the spell to maximize its effect. However, Harry knew that due to the density of his reiatsu, a mere drop would produce catastrophic results if he tried to cast Kido with his wand. He did not like wasting time however and he simply overcharged the Kido spell.

The wand shook and glowed with power as he fueled a bit more of his reiatsu upon it.

"Hado 58: Tenran!"

Loud crashes of stone against stone shook the room as the chess pieces slammed against the wall, shattering like fragile glass as they hit. The giant whirlwind that exploded from Harry's wand blew the dust away before disappearing.

"Harry..." Albus began, still in shock at the ease Harry was dispatching his traps one after another. "Did you create that spell? I've never heard of of any spell that does that..."

Harry just rolled his eyes in annoyance and moved on. The next room was empty but the one after it erupted in flames of varying colors with seven potions including a message. Harry just waved his wand and a large stream of water burst from his wand, extinguishing the flames.

Albus could only gape as Harry cleared the last room. The Mirror of Erised's surface shimmered like water as Harry plunged his hand inside and pulled out the blood red stone.

Harry shook his head. "Too easy, Albus. Is this the best your lot came up with? I didn't even need to use the Voodoo Dick!"

Albus shrugged off his shock and tried to look casual, as if an eleven year old didn't just pass through his staff's obstacle course in less than fifteen minutes. "I guess we needed to have planned them out a bit better."

"What's that mirror anyways?"

"It is called the Mirror of Erised. It shows us nothing more and nothing less than our heart's deepest, most desperate desires" Albus explained sagely. "Men have wasted away before it, not knowing if what they have seen is real, or even possible."

Albus saw Harry blush for the first time and wondered just what the boy saw in the mirror that could evoke such a reaction.

===Break===

"And just for what emergency did you call this Heads of House meeting, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asked with a slightly annoyed tone.

Sprout and Flitwick had curious expressions while Snape seemed bored. Albus sat on Harry's left of the round table, popping lemon drops into his mouth like pills.

Harry smiled but the humor did not reach his eyes. "Albus and I have bad news for you all."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Lord Voldemort has returned, Minerva." Albus said quietly.

A shocked silence fell in the room as they slowly took in this information.

"A—are you sure?" Sprout asked as her voice broke. "Wasn't he destroyed ten years ago by Mr. Potter?"

"He is at the moment, terribly weak and without a body, but yes, he has returned."

Snape had an odd look in his eyes and instinctively grabbed his arm before noticing his actions and played it off as swatting an insect.

"But how?" Flitwick frowned. Goblins preferred not to interfere with the affairs of wizards but he knew that his position as a Hogwarts professor would definitely put him on the front lines if another war was to break out.

Albus frowned pensively before deciding to tell them what he knew. "I am under the impression that Voldemort has succeeded in splitting his soul, thus allowing himself to be anchored to this world."

Everyone gaped at this, except for Harry, who was shaking his head.

"That's wrong, old man. My father and his friends hunted down those Horcruxes right after they received me as a baby. He used to work in a sort of intelligence agency and researched about my background after I was dumped in his doorstep. He didn't want the constant threat of this Voldemort to plague me constantly as I grew up so he decided to ask his friends for help and destroy the Horcruxes themselves. I'm pretty sure all those Voldemort pieces are gone. As to how he returned from hell? I have no idea but if he did return, his soul wouldn't be in pieces. It would be a whole spirit."

Even Albus was gaping wide eyed at the revelation. No one knew what happened to Harry the night his aunt's house burned to the ground. They have tracked him down to a general location in Japan but was unable to do anything to him in a foreign country. Albus did not expect, however, for Harry to know more about Voldemort than he did.

McGonagall snapped out of her shock first and voiced what was on everyone's minds. "What do we do now?"

Harry grinned. "Well first of all, we banish him from this castle."

"What?! He's already infiltrated?!" Sprout had her hands over her mouth in terror.

Harry's grin spread even wider. "Yup. In fact, he's been teaching our students this whole year!"

Another moment of stunned silence followed.

"Albus... what is the meaning of this?" McGonagall asked in a no nonsense tone.

"Voldemort has possessed Professor Quirrell and has been controlling him to take the Philosopher's Stone to fashion himself a new body."

"You knew this and you dared bring the damned stone to the school?!" McGonagall shouted in outrage.

Albus flinched while Flitwick, always a man of action, stood up. "We need to take care of this immediately!"

"I like your thinking, Professor." Harry nodded appreciatively. "Hogwarts, bring me Quirrell!"

There was a loud pop and the turbaned man fell to the floor, clutching the back of his head. Harry immediately stunned the man and bound him in Kido. Six wide beams of light stabbed the man's midsection, rendering him immobile on the cold, stone floor.

Albus already had his wand out and aimed at Quirrel and the others quickly followed suit. Loud hissing sounds came form the man and his turban shifted a little. Harry felt a strain on the bindings as a surge of reiatsu came from the back of the man's head. The turban fell off, revealing a hideous face twisted in pain.

"I can't hold him much longer. Everyone get ready!" The six beams of light shattered and an enormous wave of reiatsu spilled into the room, the pressure forcing the teachers to their knees as they aimed their wands. Only Harry was left standing, his face scrunched up in deep concentration as he aimed his wand.

"_Worthlessss ssscumm. Wake up, you fool!" _The voice hissed.

Five strong stunners hit Quirrell straight in the chest, slamming him through the ceiling in a shower of dust and crumbling stone. He fell back to the ground with a thud but the other entity inside him hissed in frustration, forcing the body to move. The vile reiatsu increased as Voldemort took control, suffocating the teacher's even further.

"Bakudo 79: Kuyo Shibari!"

Eight black holes appeared around Voldemort, emitting reiatsu around into the personal space around him and binding his movements. A ninth hole appeared in the center of his chest, completing the bind. White fire erupted from the tip of Harry's wand and enveloped the body entirely. The stench of burning flesh filled the air as Voldemort screamed and cursed. The fire continued to burn until there was nothing left.

The intense reiatsu receded as Voldemort burned. In a last act of desperation, he gathered most of the reiatsu in his body and made it explode in his chest. The windows shattered from the impact and threw everyone against the wall. The bakudo disappeared as Harry's concentration dropped and with a flash of black reiatsu, Voldemort was gone.

===Break===

The staff table was in a heavy silence that night. The Heads of Houses as well as both the headmasters' have decided that it would be best if they don't spread the news of Voldemort's return as it will incite panic. Dumbledore said that Voldemort would most likely take a long time to recover from the damage, giving them time to ready their defenses. He already informed Amelia Bones about the situation and had her get people to gather information to track down the spirit. Everyone thought the Minister of Magic would be useless and would just get in their way so they chose not to inform him, seeing as he surrounded himself by former Death Eaters. Dumbledore also promised to return the Philosopher's Stone when the students go off for the holidays.

And so began their secret war.

Most of the students were confused when they were told that Professor Quirrell had quit his job in the middle of the school year but were happy that he was gone. The man's stutter annoyed quite a bit of people and he hadn't really been a good teacher anyway. The D.A.D.A post would be taken by the other teachers after coming back from the holidays.

Despite the grim situation, Harry couldn't help but smile with pride as he watched Hermione interact with the rest of the Ravenclaws. It really was worth it going through all that trouble. She seems to be more comfortable around people since he took her out of school. She's even gathered a circle of close friends, with Padma Patil as her best friend.

The Great Hall was noisier than usual as Ravenclaw defeated Slytherin in Quidditch that day with an overwhelming 350 to 10. It was a great upset, seeing as Slytherins defeated Gryffindor easily earlier that year. The Ravenclaws were cheering their new manager, Hermione, as it was mostly due to her help with strategies and tactics that they were victorious. Roger Davies, Captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, looked at her as if she was some gift from the heavens. She had no interest in the sport at first, but with some urging from Harry, researched 'a bit' about the sport. This gave her another topic to talk about with others, instantly making her popular with Quidditch fans. Davies heard about her in no time and enlisted her help, seeing as she ended up knowing more about Quidditch than anyone on the team. He had her devising new plays and strategies as well as gathering information on their opponents, trying to find their weaknesses and how to exploit them. With knowledge in hand, they easily beat the opponents.

_The Slytherins are planning something. _Kohakuirohime warned.

Harry immediately turned towards the Slytherin table and true enough, they were whispering amongst themselves with Draco Malfoy as the leader. Harry focused his magic into his ears, effectively narrowing his hearing to hone in on the group.

_Malfoy really _is_ an idiot. _Harry shook his head as he turned his attention back to his food.

He watched lazily as Malfoy stood up and approached the Ravenclaw table, Crabbe, Goyle and a few others behind him. The Ravenclaws noticed his approach and nervously gathered around Hermione as the group came.

_Nice. That girl works fast. To think she already has this much supporters after just three days of changing herself. _Harry thought approvingly as he watched the scene unfold with some amusement.

"Professor Snape," He asked the Potions Master. "Why is it that teachers do nothing when that kind of thing happens?" He pointed at Malfoy.

Snape had been pointedly ignoring the scene but was forced to swivel his gaze in that direction just as Malfoy said something about 'mudblood' and 'whores'. The Ravenclaws were getting visibly riled up with outrage and had their wands in their hands. To Hermione's credit, she was keeping a calm demeanor as she returned the blonde ponce's insult, to which the said blonde turned red and pointed his wand at her and said something about 'my father' and 'expulsion'.

"I am not in a position to interfere." Snape answered bluntly and turned back to his food. Harry knew the man was Draco's godfather and just nodded. Snape would have a hard time if he made a move against Malfoy. And besides, Slytherins were actually supposed to be encouraged to do such things.

All eyes were on the unfolding little drama by then and if Harry's conclusions were right, Malfoy must be doing this to set an example and establish his dominance over the over first years, seeing as he picked on someone who appeared to be isolated from the rest of her House since she started school, and a girl no less. Apparently, he hadn't been listening to the conversations and was unaware that the said girl somehow got her whole House to support her.

Malfoy's face turned even redder as Hermione kept talking and with a shout of outrage, fired off a curse at the girl. To everyone's surprise, the orange spell hung suspended in mid air halfway between Malfoy and its intended target, charged with power but frozenly harmless.

"Now, now, ladies. Play nice." Everyone turned to Harry as he appeared with a pop. He grabbed the spell and made a show of swallowing it before burping out a large orange smoke. The tension in the air decreased drastically the onlookers sighed with relief. The group of Slytherins, however, tensed and eyed the young Headmaster warily.

"Let's see, that's ten points from Slytherin for using magic while in the presence of all this sacred food that our little friends have prepared for us tonight. Another ten points for using the said magic to intentionally cause harm to another student. And another ten points for using derogatory terms such as 'mudblood' and 'whores'. Did I miss something?" Harry scratched his head as the emeralds that counted Slytherin's House points shot up with the deduction.

"I'm not a girl!" Malfoy yelled indignantly, causing more than a few snickers from the crowd.

"Of all the things I said, that's the one you're worried about?" Harry rolled his eyes.

Malfoy turned beet red as the blood rushed to his face. Apparently he wasn't the only one who caught Harry's first words to the group. They would have probably ignored it as something they misheard but since Malfoy brought it up, mutterings started and grew into a loud buzz.

"It's only natural for a man to defend his pride!" Malfoy said as he tried to defend his wounded pride.

Harry looked the blonde ponce up and down. "Funny. You don't look like a man."

There was a moment of shocked silence before the Great Hall erupted in loud gales of laughter, causing Malfoy's face to turn, if possible, even redder.

"Think you're so big now, huh, Potter. Playing your little game... Headmaster? Don't make me laugh. You don't know who you're messing with. If I tell my father about this, you'd get sacked in no time. He has a lot of influence in the Board of Governors, you see." Malfoy sneered, confident that he had won. The murmured conversations took on a worried tone. The students were beginning to like Harry even though he hasn't been in his job for very long. He always made time to listen to their problems and tried to help. Many people feel intimidated going to Dumbledore for help and Harry was a more pleasant alternative as he could relate with their problems. They don't want to lose him.

Malfoy had expected Harry to at least be shaken a bit but to his surprise, the young headmaster looked bored and was picking his nose, flinging the dried nasal mucus at him before his finger went back in for another dive.

"Board of Governors? You mean those barmy old men that does nothing but sit on their asses and do nothing while they take away more than eighty percent of your tuition?" Harry asked not pausing in his attempts to cover the blonde ponce's robes with dried snot.

Malfoy looked confused even as he attempted to dodge the onslaught. Many curious heads were paying attention with more intensity than before. Even the professors were finally showing interest. Dumbledore however, was looking guiltily at his plate.

"Eighty percent of our tuition? What's that about?" Hermione asked the question in everyone's minds.

Harry turned to give Dumbledore a feral grin that spoke of bad things to come. The old man's mouth was working but no words were coming out. Though one could easily tell he was mouthing a lot of "No"s.

"Well if you really must know, the Board of Governors are a group of twelve wizards whose supposed job is to oversee the running of this school. However, they don't really do much. Me and Albus actually take care of the actual work around here and yet we had to pay them for doing nothing. Ever wondered where your tuition money goes? Well, nine percent of it goes to buy food for the entire school, about four percent goes to paying the teachers, another three percent buys the medical supply in the Hospital Ward, one percent goes to maintenance, another three percent to supply potions ingredients in Professor Snape's stock room, and the rest goes to the Board of Governors. Pretty stupid if you ask me but Albus and I can't really do anything about it. If we tried, the Wizengamot and the Minister of Magic will strip him of all his positions and they'll take over this school. Oh yeah, that Fudge guy is also a member of the Board of Governors. You know how he and Lucius Malfoy donate large sums of money to the school? Well that money is actually less than what they get back through their portion of the tuition. The system is even set up in such a way that the goblins wouldn't raise suspicion on where the money was going."

Shocked silence greeted this revelation. I stretched for a good ten seconds before Professor Flitwick stood up in outrage.

"What is the meaning of this, Dumbledore?! How can you let this go on for as long as it has? A group of people and even the Minister of Magic is robbing children for Merlin's sake! All this time you've been refusing to give me a raise despite all the time I've dedicated to my work here and this is what I find? If this doesn't stop, you'll have more than just an angry goblin on your hands."

"Filius, I'm sorry to say this but my hands are tied." Dumbledore bowed his head in shame.

The mutterings grew into a loud din and Harry held up his hands for silence before continuing on.

"Nothing to worry about folks. I've already spoken with Gringotts and had the Hogwarts trust vault frozen. They are currently investigating the case of money laundering and should be done by the day after tomorrow. I'm pretty sure there will be heavy consequences if they find evidence that such a crime was happening under their noses."

This seemed to mollify the crowd significantly and returned their attention to Malfoy. The blonde ponce was shaken to the core. All the accusing stares he was getting felt like daggers that pierced him more painfully than anything. He strode back to his table and sat down, knowing that his life in Hogwarts would be the most miserable time of his life.

Harry smirked inwardly. _Experimental subject number 2, found. _

===Break===

**Hogwarts Board of Governors Arrested for Money Laundering! **

**Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge Facing Impeachment!**

_After extensive investigations, the Hogwarts Board of Governors were arrested on charges of money laundering on the date of December 13, 1991. The group of twelve wizards have been proven to be taking more than eighty percent of the tuition for personal uses, leaving Hogwarts to cope with the severe lack of funds. Lucius Malfoy, denied all accusations and stated he didn't need the money. Mr. Malfoy was proven guilty along with Grace Mircea Luslec, Amyscus Carrow, Theodore Nott Sr., Augustus Avery, Markaroff Mulciber, Urek Mazino, Eduan Koon, Jyu Viole Grace, Pius Thicknesse, Rodolfo Rosenburn, and Cornelius Fudge. Headmaster Potter of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry claimed that the Board of Governors are 'just for show' and that '...they don't do anything. Albus and I takes care of the administrative duties of the school. They only contact us when they want something and never suggested anything remotely constructive to the betterment of the school."_

_After interviewing some of the Hogwarts staff, we have also learned that they were not aware such a thing was happening. They have asked for pay raises in the past but were told that 'there isn't enough funds'. Madame Hooch, flying instructor stated that the Hogwarts brooms should have been replaced a long time ago. Many first years have gotten injured in the past five years alone due to malfunctioning training brooms. She had pleaded to the Headmaster but was also given the reply that there wasn't enough funds. Headmaster Dumbledore had kept the secret from leaking out and causing revolts against the government mainly due to pressure applied to him by the Wizengamot and the Minister of Magic himself. Headmaster Potter stated that if he hadn't come along, Headmaster Dumbledore would probably not be able to do anything to solve the problem._

_On another note, outraged parents have gathered in the Ministry of Magic and called for the impeachment of Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge. Minister Fudge had been standing on thin ice for quite some time after his relationship with _The Daily Prophet_ reporter Rita Skeeter had been leaked. It is only a matter of time before he loses his position to Madame Amelia Bones, head of the DMLE, who had been running for Minister of Magic, herself, for quite some time. She vowed that with her in office, she would see justice prevail and open new opportunities for people to participate in he affairs of Britain's magical community. _

_As of this day, the Hogwarts Board of Governors has been dissolved. All its members, with the exception of Cornelius Fudge had been sent to a twenty year sentence in Azkaban Wizarding Prison. The Minister of Magic had managed to delay his sentence by..._

Cornelius Fudge ripped the newspaper in anger and hurled the remains into his fireplace. How had everything gone to ruins in so short a time? All the work he had done to ensure his ratings didn't go down was shattered in a single day and by an eleven year old boy no less! He cursed the boy's name over and over as he tried to calm his thoughts to think straight. He only had a few days left to attempt to salvage his reputation and avoid Azkaban but knowing how even the goblins were involved in the investigation, he would have no way out. The goblins are very loyal to their gold and heavily looks down upon misuse of it.

Just when he thought his day couldn't get any worse, the one person who he don't to see at the moment stepped out of his fireplace, shaking the ashes from her clothes.

"What do you want, woman?!" Fudge snarled.

Rita Skeeter broke down into sobs and wiped her eyes, smudging her make up all over her face.

"Hic... Oh Cornelius...*sobs* I... I—I'm pregnant."

===Break===

Harry was literally jumping with excitement as Albus led him down the street and to the gates of a rather large house. Harry was almost blinded by the brightness of the magic that glowed from the property. Wards of all kinds had been placed all over the place. If Harry didn't know any better, he would have guessed the place was something like a defensive fort.

Albus rang the doorbell and an old man peeked out from behind the windows before running up to the pair and leading them inside the house.

"Please sit. My wife and I weren't expecting you until tomorrow, Albus." He held out his hand to Harry. "I'm Nicolas Flamel. You must be the young Headmaster that everyone's talking about."

"Harry Potter, sir." Harry said as he shook the offered hand. "Was I really that famous that my name even made it all the way here to France?"

Nicolas laughed. "Oh you don't even know half of it. Did you know there have been a lot of novels written about you? A great many rumors have sprung about since you disappeared a decade ago. Many assumed you were dead but others published books describing how you were doing heroic deeds out of the public eye. I never believed a word of it of course. Though I know quite a few families read tales of you fighting dragons to their children as bedtime stories." He shook his head. "Ah, the craziness that people believe."

"You'd think people would have enough common sense not to believe such things." Nicolas' wife, Perenelle said as she came in with a tray of scones and tea.

"Before I forget, I'd like you to have your stone back. Thank you for letting me borrow it." Albus tossed the blood red stone to the other old man.

"Borrow my ass, you old coot!" Nicolas snorted and poured himself some tea. "That was downright thievery!"

"I apologize for my actions and I know anything I say at this point would just sound like excuses so I'll wisely keep my mouth shut." Albus said and settled back into the couch.

Nicolas just nodded and brought out a bowl of self filling lemon drops. He tossed one to Albus and gave one to Harry.

"People wrote books about me?" Harry asked, changing the subject.

"Why yes. Most of the stories were badly written but there are some nice ones out there that are actually decent. I bought a series, myself." He waved his wand and summoned a stack of seven books from a far shelf and levitated them on the table in front of Harry.

Harry picked up the first one and read its title. "_Harry Potter and the Alchemist's Stone_ by J.T. Bowling."

"The series tells an epic tale of your adventures in your seven years stay at Hogwarts. It tells a rather imaginative and compelling story. But that's all it is. A story."

Harry flipped a few pages and was shocked to see most of the events described in the book felt familiar. Most of the names were altered in some ways except Dumbledore's and the rest of the staff's. In the book, he had two close friends, Hormones Ginger and Donald Weasel. The first book told of his fight with a Voldemort possessed Quirrell and the second book, _Harry Potter and the Toilet of Secrets_ told of how he fought a basilisk with nothing but a sword. The story kept getting crazier with each book. He almost finished flipping through the sixth book, _Harry Potter and the Hot Blooded Pimp, _when he stopped.

Nicolas was grinning widely at Harry's raised eyebrow.

"It takes until my sixth year before Albus dies?" Harry asked with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

Nicolas brayed with laughter at Albus' shocked expression.

"You really want me to die that bad, Harry?" Albus asked with a hurt tone, popping more lemon drops into his mouth.

"The sooner the better." Harry shrugged. "On another note, who is this J.T. Bowling anyway? Can he like, predict the future or something?"

"She's a muggle. Her books have been worldwide bestsellers in both magical and muggle world. The strange thing is, she published all these books at the same time." Nicolas answered.

"Then how did she know about me and magic?"

Nicolas shrugged. "Coincidence?"

Harry snorted. "It's too detailed for it to be a coincidence. The events described here could have as easily happened to me had I not been taken to Japan after my aunt's house burned down." Harry shivered. "Thank _kami_ for that. I wouldn't have wanted to turn out like the Harry in this book. And wait... shouldn't I get some money for this? She's using my name after all."

"I doubt she even knows you exist, Harry."

"Ah well. I'm rich anyway."

"You know, the books are actually so popular people even started writing fan fictions about it. People twisted the story to what they felt was a better rendition. It's become quite a sensation on the Net."

"The information sharing thing that the muggles invented?" Albus asked with interest.

"Yes, from the few I've read, there are quite a lot of people that like pairing up Harry with a lot of characters, and some even have him as a harem king." Nicolas shook his head.

"They write me as a harem king?" Harry asked with excitement. "Better not disappoint them then." He grinned.

"Harry!" Albus said sharply and gave him a warning look. "Sorry, Nick. Harry here is quite an adult mind for his age."

"Nothing wrong with that." Perenelle said dismissively. "It's normal for boys to have an interest in such things."

Albus gaped in shock. Being raised in the late 1800s, it was ingrained into him deep traditional views on love and marriage. To think people older than him approve of such acts! Blasphemy!

"See, Albus? Told you I'm normal."

"So how're you liking France?" Perenelle asked.

"I haven't really gotten around to exploring yet and we got one more business to attend to before we return to Hogwarts. Albus here wants to introduce me to the Beauxbatons head person and include me in his little project."

"Project?"

Harry turned to Albus, who sighed and started to explain.

"This has actually been something that I have been working on for years now and hope to finally get everything ready within the next two years at least. Madame Maxime of Beaxbatons and Karkaroff of Durmstrang had already agreed to revive the old tradition. I hope that with this, we can improve international relations and achieve harmony."

"And just what is this that you're trying to revive?"

"The Triwizard Tournament, Nicolas."

Nicolas gaped for a moment before downing the rest of his tea said, "You shouldn't do such things, Albus. That tournament was stopped for a reason. Do you get sadistic pleasure in seeing young children die?"

"I'm sure that with tightly controlled—"

"Told you it was a bad idea, Albus." Harry piped in. "And besides, if you really want to be friends with each other, you shouldn't do something that could increase the rivalry between you and your peers. From what I can guess, it seems you and this Karkaroff and Maxime people go back a long way and your relationships, while not unpleasant, is full of plotting against each other. I can sense a lot of blackmailing between you and them, Albus."

"As perceptive as ever, Harry." Albus nodded. "You're right. While we are not openly hostile, we aren't the best of friends either. I was hoping this tournament would bring us a bit closer."

"And that's why your an idiot, Albus." Nicolas sighed in frustration. "Admit it. You're getting too old for this. If you were a bit younger, you could have seen the flaws in this plan."

"Well I can't back out of it now. The two were rather enthusiastic about the whole thing and canceling at the last minute would surely lower their opinion of me."

"Whatever then Albus." Harry said, getting up. "I think you two have a lot of catching up and making up to do so I'll take my leave. If I'm not back by dinner, just send an owl. I'll just be touring around for a bit."

"Seeing the sights? Make sure you take lots of pictures."

Harry frowned. "But I don't have a camera."

"Here." Nicolas handed him an old model. "Ever seen magic pictures? If you take pictures with this, you can develop the pictures to move."

"Wicked." Harry grinned. "Thanks, Uncle Nick."

===Break===

Harry moved through the crowded streets with practiced ease, dodging people left and right who looked like they had a lot on their minds as they rushed through. Many people were trying to get last minute presents and decorations for the coming holidays and the shops were full of people with lines reaching all the way out of the stores.

Harry sighed with disappointment at the heavy coats thick garments that the women wore against the cold. He fingered the camera impatiently, hoping by some stroke of luck to take good photos of women's underwear. Lisa often had him take some for 'reference' and he did enjoy doing it. Part of the fun was doing your utmost to take risky shots while trying to not get caught. While most of the fun was running away while laughing his ass off at the the angered ladies' shouts.

He sat down on the steps of an old hotel and watched the people pass by. There were a lot of beautiful women and he couldn't help but admire them. He found he can understand French as well as the other language mixed in on he conversations and mentally thanked Urahara for whatever he did to his Gigai.

A large hand clamped down on his shoulders, startling him out of his thoughts. The man was large and bulky, with a thick, handlebar mustache and a monocle. The man was menacing in his own right but Harry kept a calm face as he faced him.

"You the new part timer?" The man asked, point at the camera in Harry's hands.

Harry deduced the man was thought him a photographer and just nodded, wanting to see where this goes.

"Well come on then, you're already fifteen minutes late and we've already got the scene set up." He grumbled under his breath. "They told me the part timer was young but this one's a midget!"

Harry followed the man into the building without fear for his safety. He was, after all, a wizard. If he finds himself in danger, he knew how to defend himself. Not like anyone stands a chance against him.

He followed the man into an elevator and got off on the fifth floor. The entire floor seemed to be reserved as a photo studio. A large white, canvas was set up against the wall, surrounded by cameras and lighting equipment. Some parts of the area were brightly lit while others are dark. A couch and a bed lay at another side of the room that's designed to look like a bedroom. The man led Harry over to the group by the bedroom set and introduced him to the people there.

"What was your name again?" The man asked in English.

"Harry, sir."

"Can you speak French?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. We had a transfer from the States the other day and he couldn't even talk to the folks here. Had to fire that one. I was skeptical about this idea of forming a branch all the way out here to France but Mr. Flynt said he had a good feeling this venue will be successful. Never doubted the boss but sometimes one just gets doubts about his sanity, you know what I mean?"

Harry just nodded. From what the man was saying, he could tell that whatever business the man was talking about was still small and the parent company left it to fend for itself. The man, who introduced himself as George, was in charge of the whole operation. He was introduced to the other cameramen and light operators and said to take his position on the other side of the bed, a good six feet away. Harry had been taking pictures for a long time and had seen enough good photos to know what he was doing so he wasn't as nervous as the other newbies that were practically shaking in their feet. Some just came straight out of college and had no real life experience in the work but George said he'll show them the ropes as he couldn't really afford to hire professionals without funding. And so they waited for the model to arrive.

She arrived two minutes later, wearing a light pink bathrobe. She was breathtakingly beautiful with long blonde hair, voluptuous curves, ample breasts, luscious red lips, and a disarming smile. She greeted them politely and laughed as they stuttered to answer her while trying to hide their blush. Harry felt the Voodoo Dick stir with excitement in his inner world and had to concentrate hard to keep it from coming out.

_These guys are too nervous. It's just a photoshoot dammit! _Harry thought.

_I'm not so sure about that..._

Harry's jaw dropped.

The woman slipped off her robe, revealing creamy white skin that seemed to emit a soft glow in the lights and a body that gave instant boners to all the males in the vicinity. She got on the bed and struck a seductive pose and spread her legs, exposing the sensitive pink flesh in between as she stroked it with one hand and used her other to fondle her breasts. The perfectly shaped, coral tipped globes bounced slightly as she moved, her deep blue eyes filled with lust as she stared at the cameras, the intensity of her passion clearly transmitted to the men, frozen behind the lenses.

Harry's mind raced and mentally screamed with joy as he realized just what he had gotten himself into.

The woman put on an annoyed expression after ten seconds passed and no camera flashed from the half dozen that were aimed at her.

"Well? How long are you gonna make me wait?"

===Break===

A/N:

If you recognized the references made in this chapter then you are awesome!

Something to clarify: Mr. Flynt = Larry Flynt. If you don't know who that is, google him.

And so Harry found himself a part time job, not that he needed one. I once again remind you that this work is rated M. I'll try not to get _too_ explicit though.

As for the Fudge/Rita thing... I have no excuse. It just popped into my head and I wrote it on a whim. I apologize to those who find that kind of side plot in the middle annoying.

As said in the beginning, classes start this coming week so updates will be slow. I'll try to get another chapter out before the work buries me to death but it's a losing battle.

Thank you for reading.

Criticisms? Flames? Suggestions? Comments? Please post them. They really help a lot.


	10. Viagra

A/N:

Sorry this took so long to get out. School kept me busy so sorry if this chapter was badly written.

Chapter 9: "Viagra."

"Spread them open a little bit more... there! Perfect! Now slip in the mistletoe... aw that's nasty. Beautiful. Beautiful..."

"Ngh...ahhhhhh..."

"Now turn your face a bit this way and lick that thing... whoa! Nnow that's hot!"

George Smith could only watch in amazement at the sheer skill that the young photographer demonstrated. While the others were still busy ogling the beauty in front of them, Harry had already snapped off six shots and began following her every movement with sharp, professional ease as he complimented her beauty at the same time. He even directed the girl into taking very hot, seductive poses that even George himself had to admit he would never have thought could be so... stimulating.

"Stir it up a bit more... there! Now ram it all in as hard as you can..."

"HNNNNGGG!"

Harry made sure to get a shot of her face in pure ecstasy as she climaxed on the set.

"Very nice." Harry complimented her. She smiled back at him as another tremor of pleasure shook her body.

His coworkers looked at him with envy as they fingered their cameras nervously. No one had taken a single shot as they were too busy staring at her throughout the whole thing.

"Well done!" George clapped him on the back, sending the small boy keeling forward. "I'm pretty sure those pics would be front cover material. You got a bright future ahead of you, young lad."

Harry grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, sir. But my camera is a bit old and only produces back and white photos."

"Not a problem." The big man waved him off. "We can just scan them and color with photoshop. Though make sure you get yourself a proper one next time, okay?"

Harry saluted. "Yes, sir!" His mind was racing. He would need to develop two copies from the negatives, one magical and the other muggle. The non moving photos he would hand in and the other he would keep for... er... personal use.

"As for the rest of you lot." George turned to the others. "You guys need to step it up! We need all the hands we can get to make this branch a success and I know you all have what it takes for us to do so. Do better next times, folks."

He dragged Harry away from the set as another woman walked in and introduced herself to the crew.

"Impressive. How long have you been in the business?" He asked in a business-like tone.

"This is my first time, sir."

"Bullshit! I know a pro when I see one."

"Thank you for the compliment sir. Sorry to crush your expectations but... I'm only a highly perverted eleven year old boy." Harry said proudly.

George gaped. The boy was only eleven years old and already had this much talent?! He assumed Harry was at least of age despite being a midget. He never would have imagined the boy would be so young. But wait... if he's only eleven, then he couldn't be legally allowed to work here...

"Sorry to break it to you boy, but I can't allow you to work here. It hurts me to turn away someone with as much talent as you but you're just too young."

"Fueeh? But no one needs to know my age right? And since I'm only working part time, I still have time to catch up on my studies and..."

"And nothing! Come back when you turn into an adult."

Harry was not about to go down without a fight. "Kids get cast into T.V. all the time and they're underage. Going by that logic, you should be able to hire me too!"

George shook his head. "The paperwork is a headache and I don't even want to go into the legal and guardian issues."

"How about this, then? If this edition sells more than three hundred thousand copies, you'll draw up a contract and hire me."

George raised an eyebrow. "You really think you can win that bet?"

Harry stared back defiantly. "Of course."

"Suit yourself then."

Harry walked back to the set, burning with excitement and focus. George shook his head as he watched him go. Given the fact that they're a fairly new publication in the area, there's no way in hell they'd be able to sell that much. Right?

Two weeks later, he would send the boy a letter at the address the boy left him. The French branch's first Hustler Christmas edition sold out at half a million copies with five reprints.

===Break===

Harry had a goofy smile on his face as he giddily jumped from rooftop to rooftop, feeling the spots on his cheeks where the women had kissed him after work. He was a bit surprised to find that they were amateurs and needed a bit of coaching in what turns on most men. Having knowledge of the female anatomy really helped Harry point out how they could pleasure themselves better even as they worked. They thanked him and told him they never enjoyed it as much as they did when he was the one taking their porn pics. He wished them happy holidays and headed home, all but skipping with delight.

"What's with that smirk?" Albus asked as Harry's spoon missed his mouth the third time. Harry stared back at him with a dazed expression. The smile never left his face as he attempted to add food to his mouth.

"Nothin' to worry about, Albus. Something _really good_ happened to me today."

"It must have been quite a marvelous event if it made you this happy." Nicolas commented.

"Oh, it is." Harry gave them a sly grin.

"That's worrying." Albus frowned. "What's good for you usually ends up bad for me."

Harry laughed. "Oh this has nothing to do with you, Albus. I don't spend all my time thinking about barmy old men you know."

"Well that's a relief. I wouldn't want to spend all my time thinking about young boys either."

Harry choked on his drink, the liquid making its way up and out his nose. He wiped it off with a napkin before glaring at Albus.

"Christmas is just a week away. Don't you have a family to go back to?" Perenelle asked.

Harry set his spoon down, thinking how to best explain this.

"Er... we do Christmas a bit differently where I come from. It's kinda treated the same as Valentine's Day. Couples get together on that day those who are single are stuck with their families, seething with envy at those who managed to find themselves a girlfriend."

"I see. But don't you still want to spend it with your family?"

Harry shook his head. "Unfortunately, my father is one of the losers that go out to drink during Christmas with his friends. My siblings go to their friends' houses while I go out to the neighborhood and... have fun." Harry finished with a slight smile in reminiscence.

"So you don't have a mother?" Perenelle asked, her hands covering her mouth.

"No, but there's a lot of female figures in my life that looked after me like I'm theirs." Harry shrugged.

"Ah, the smothering motherly types huh?" Albus rubbed his chin, no doubt thinking of Mrs. Weasley.

"Not exactly..."

Harry then turned to Nicolas, leaving that conversation in fear that they might find out too much about his life.

The talk then turned to magical pictures, with Nicolas explaining the proper way of developing the film to make the pictures move and how if each step is not done right, the product would be no different than their muggle counterparts. Harry paid sharp attention to the instructions and asked if the pictures could somehow be colored. Nicolas didn't know but promised to research into the matter.

After dinner ended, Harry and Albus were ushered into guest rooms in the second floor. Albus told Harry to wake up early the next day as they had much to do before they pay a visit to Beauxbatons. Harry just nodded and took out his camera after the old man left. He opened the back and took out the film, making several copies to experiment with.

He then reached into his bottomless backpack, charmed by Professor Flitwick himself, and took out his charms textbook. The teachers became more friendly towards him after he dissolved the Board of Governors and increased their salaries. Harry had negotiated with Snape to be fair to the students in return for buying new cauldrons and resupplying his stock of potions ingredients as well as setting him up his own secret lab. All this was arranged without any of the others' knowledge of course. Snape grumbled a lot but grudgingly accepted the deal, though Harry knew he was quite happy with it. There were many students who had complaints about the Potion Master's teaching habits and Harry had promised to do something about it by the time they come back from the holidays. Harry thought he did rather well and was looking forward to seeing the students' dumbstruck expressions the next time they had potions.

All in all, he was steadily gaining the approval of his staff and hoped that by the time his second year is over, he would have more power over them than Albus.

He cracked open his Charms textbook and laboriously pondered the text. He understood the theory behind each spell but the problem was performing it was becoming an issue. After hard practice, he was finally able to perform the levitation charm but only for a short duration. Flitwick said that maybe he was experiencing some kind of block that he needed to overcome in order to do things right. Harry was vaguely aware of what his problem was but there was nothing he could think of to fix it.

_Remember. Peaceful, happy thoughts. _Kohakuirohime reminded him.

Harry's face scrunched up in concentration as he pointed his wand at the book.

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

Nothing interesting happens.

Harry sighed and slumped back into his bed.

_You're doing it wrong. You have to get around that thinking that all spells are meant for battle. Charms are not designed to be combat spells and you need to stop forcing the magic to do what it doesn't want to do._

_I know, but I've been using Kido all my life and I think it got engraved in my head that magic is supposed to harm others. Transfiguration was easy because I could immediately see how it could be useful in combat... but Charms? _

_There are ways to implement it in battle once you actually get around to doing it but you have to stop trying to force it to what it's not supposed to._

_I'm trying._

_Keep at it then._

Harry practiced for two more hours to no avail. The clock was nearing midnight and he could hear the soft snores of Albus in the room next door. He waved his wand in that direction in irritation and all sounds coming from that room ceased to exist.

Harry stared at his wand in disbelief.

_WTF?!_

_Wtf indeed. _

_What just happened?  
_

_Looks like you were somehow able to cast a silencing charm._

_B—but … huh?  
_

His Zanpakutou sighed. _Did you say the incantation?_

_You know I didn't..._

_What did you do then? _She prompted, urging him to come to his own conclusion.

_I just wanted Albus to shut up with all my—... oh!_

_Exactly._

Harry grinned and pointed his wand at his books. With an upward motion of his wand, he _willed_ the books to rise.

And rise they did.

After some experimentation, he was able to summon and banish objects even without the aid of his wand. He could feel the magic in the air humming as he covered his hand in reiatsu and grabbed the ambient energy and _willed _ the magic to do his bidding. By the time the clock hit midnight, it looked as if gravity didn't exist in his room.

Harry laughed as he threw magic at the door, watching it form into the shape and color of a silencing charm. He took out his camera and grinned as he peered through the eyepiece, thanking his good luck for landing him such a fine job.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud, familiar howl. Harry grinned. It's been so long since he last played with a Hollow.

===Break===

The cold, night breeze felt incredibly good as Harry jumped from one rooftop to another, feeling the freedom that was associated with being in his Shinigami form. Being in a gigai was like wearing shoes that's two sizes too small, except it covered your whole body. He had sent Urahara a butterfly telling him this but he said it would take at least a month for him to make a new gigai. Harry felt his reiatsu growing as he became more well versed in the art of magic. Learning his _shikai_ alone drastically increased his reiatsu but learning magic had gotten it to the point that being in a gigai was just painful.

Harry's laughter was lost into the night as he flash stepped from one house and into the air, sailing gracefully in the air as a gentle breeze swept through his face, knocking his hair to the back and making his robes billow in the resulting wind.

_Wait... robes?_

Harry stopped in midair and looked down at himself in surprise. His black kimono was gone, replaced by black robes not unlike his school robes but more professional in appearance. His Zanpakutou was slung on his back, the scabbard held to his body by a green cloth that crossed to his front. On his left hip was the dimly glowing Voodoo Dick, sitting supreme in its holster and on the underside of his right forearm was his wand, holstered onto him in such a way that would be easy to wield if such a need arise.

He conjured a mirror and looked at himself, admiring how sharp he looked.

_Damn... I look so badass!_

_Pfft._

_What's so funny?_

_You really have no sense of style. _She replied through a fit of giggles.

Harry mentally shrugged and proceeded to head in the direction of the Hollow. The howling got louder as it screamed in pain. Harry increased his speed, not wanting to miss the show. By the sounds of it, the local Shinigami had gotten there before him and was in the process of subduing the Hollow. He followed the reiatsu and was led to the edges on town. The sparsely wooded area felt haunted under the moon's light. The sole house in the middle practically glowed with magic however, and he concluded that magicals must be living in the large manor, warded against muggles.

The Hollow trashed about, uprooting trees as it howled in pain from a severed arm. It was large, about the size of a three story building and six arms attached to its torso, giving it the look of a giant gorilla crossed with a spider. Two smaller figures darted in and out of its range, expertly dealing continuous damage to its mask and appendages. They were wearing blue and black military fatigues and wielding curved sabers that glowed with infused reiatsu. The man also had what looked like a musket and aimed precise blasts of reiatsu at the Hollow while his partner, a woman, locked the massive creature's movements.

Harry used his Stalker Arts and dematerialized himself, making his presence undetectable. He jumped to a treetop and watched with fascination as the two worked. He could easily tell from their movements that the two were well trained and had experience in dealing with large Hollows. The woman hacked at the Hollow, severing another arm before pulling out, letting the man take advantage of the opening to dash in and slice the Hollow's mask.

It would have ended the Hollow had the man not hesitated. Instead, he found himself a second later crushed into the ground, the Hollow's massive arms driving him deeper into the soil.

"Gary!" The woman screamed and severed the arm pushing her partner down just as Harry noticed the cause for the man's hesitation.

A little girl with silvery blonde hair had gone out of the house and was looking at the scene with wide eyes. The Hollow immediately turned its attention towards her. The girl was practically bursting with reiatsu! Harry could tell the child would become more powerful than the average wizard, maybe even as strong as Dumbledore but he could also tell she wasn't exactly a human. He stowed away that thought as he grabbed her just in time as a gigantic hand slammed down on the spot where she had been a second ago.

He noted the woman grab hold of her partner and flash stepped away, talking into what looked like a walkie talkie, asking for reinforcements. Harry set the girl down and looked her in the eyes, blue meeting green.

"What's your name, kid?" He asked in French.

"Gabrielle." She responded shyly.

"Okay, Gabrielle. What are you doing out at this late hour? Didn't your parents tell you not go out alone at night?"

Gabrielle nodded fearfully, afraid of how her parents would react if they find out.

"After I take care of that thing," Harry pointed to the Hollow. It was struggling to keep itself upright as one of its legs was blasted off. The woman was holding it off pretty well but exhaustion was starting to catch up to her. "I'll take you back to your house, okay? And stay where you are until I come back."

The girl looked at the Hollow with curious eyes but nodded her confirmation. Harry cast a notice-me-not charm on her anyway. Can't help to be too careful. He smiled as he strode up to the Hollow. Charms were pretty useful after all.

_It's really been a while, Hime. You ready to do this?_

_Damn right I am._

Harry strode up to the Hollow with confidence as he unsheathed the blade from his back. The Hollow let out another howl as it batted the French shinigami away, knocking the wind out of her. Harry took that as his cue and held his Zanpakutou to the side, tracing a wide circle in the air.

"Paint the world in your image and blossom,

Kohakuriohime."

The Hollow turned sharply in his direction as the large explosion of reiatsu that accompanied the release of his _Shikai_ filled the cold, night air. The thin blade pulsed with reiatsu, leaving traces in the air as it moved.

Harry grinned and poured more of his own power into the blade, causing it to overflow and spill. The dense reiatsu planted itself into the ground, glowing a brief amber color before fading out. Harry wasted no time and flash stepped his way up to where the French shinigami had fallen and scooped her up with one arm, flash stepping away as he swung his Zanpakutou in an upward slash, sending an arc of amber reiatsu onto the Hollow. The attack broke as the Hollow swatted it away, only to cause the reiatsu to splatter all over its mask and torso. Harry landed next to the other shinigami and sheathed his Zanpakutou.

"Forsaken princess dyed in amber,

Grown in the land of everlasting twilight,

And cultivated in a field of blades,

Germinate, Kohakuirohime."

There was a great splashing sound as black blood spilled from the gigantic monstrosity. The amber colored reiatsu covered the Hollow as it expanded, glowing brightly as it took on the form of hundreds of blades, sprouting inwards, impaling through thick skin, blooming into gigantic shrubs of steel. The Hollow fell with a loud thump, dissipating as it hit the ground. The needle-like swords fell to the ground in an enormous bundle before they too, disappeared.

The woman had already gotten to work on her partner, her hands glowing with the distinct green of healing _kido_. She nodded to him once before turning her attention back to healing.

"I am Mary Sue, light infantry of the newly formed 21st regiment under direct command from Commander Guillaud of the Lighthouse. This is my partner, Gary Stu. We were stationed to this area a week ago after the regular duo went on a break. That was the biggest one we've fought so far. I honestly didn't think we could survive it. Thanks for the assist."

"You're welcome. I'm Harry Potter, a Reaper on vacation. I was headed to sleep when I heard the Hollow and so I came to investigate. Is your partner okay?"

"He'll be fine. Just a few broken bones here and there."

"Can you take care of matters here then? I need to take that girl back to her house." He pointed at Gabrielle. The charm wore off, exposing her small form. Mary nodded and slung Gary over her shoulder, flash stepping out of sight.

Harry took Gabrielle's hand and smiled down kindly upon her.

"Shall we?"

===Break===

Apolline Delacour woke up with alarm as the wards around her home informed her of an intruder. She reached for her wand immediately and headed downstairs, her nightgown fluttering in her wake. Her long wisps of silvery blonde hair floated softly behind her, giving her an almost divine look as it augmented her beauty.

She wondered who could possibly be wandering into her home at such a late hour. Her husband told her he wouldn't be home until Christmas. Affairs at the French Ministry of Magic were getting more and more hectic, causing him to live at his workplace for a week.

Her thoughts stopped as a knock came from the door. She peered through the eyepiece, trying to get a glimpse of who's on the other side.

She gasped in shock as she caught sight of the young boy that stood outside.

_That boy... Did he stalk me home? No, it can't be... I made sure I wasn't followed and... wait why is Gabrielle with him? Did her accidental magic activate again? Ah, he must be bringing her home after finding her outside..._

She cast a glamour charm on herself, hoping the boy wouldn't recognize her and opened the door. She had been using a charm to keep her Veela aura in check during the photoshoot. It didn't work as well as she hoped as the idiots still gawked at her, frozen by her beauty. It was the little boy who took charge and surprisingly enough, had the highest resistance to her.

"Good evening, Madam, or should I say good morning?" Harry chuckled. "I'm sorry to interrupt your peace but I just can't ignore a little girl wandering outside at this hour."

"Ah of course. Thank you for bringing her in." She eyed him warily as she told her daughter to go to her room and go back to sleep.

"Never thought you'd have a daughter, Ms. Delacour. I mean you look so young! I would have never guessed."

Apolline froze. The boy was grinning at her, white teeth gleaming in the fading moonlight.

"H—how did you—?"

"Can you please remove that charm? Your glow is dazzling enough as it is. I'll go blind if I stare at you for too long. And there's really no need to hide your face from me, you know. I've already seen everything so there's really no point is there?"

Apolline blushed and canceled the glamour charm. "So... you're a wizard?"

"That I am. And by the looks of it, you're a witch... and something else?" Harry frowned.

"How'd you...?"

"It's my eyes. Well it has been rather nice seeing you again but I have to get going now. My companion will be rather worried if he finds that I went out."

"Wait!" She fidgeted, twiddling her thumbs as she searched for the best way to say it. "Please... can you not tell anyone about... my... job?"

"I'm not intent on spilling the secrets of others but..."

"Please don't tell... if my husband finds out..." Her voice broke, blue eyes filled with sorrow.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Your husband doesn't know?"

"He doesn't read pornography. I make sure I satisfy him enough that he wouldn't think of looking at someone else."

"And you have no qualms about doing this behind his back?"

Appoline flinched, as if slapped. "It really breaks my heart, thinking of how he would react if he finds out but I... I'm addicted! The feeling of ecstasy under the lights! The extreme turn on of being found out!" She suddenly broke down, crying. Her prone form on the doorstep wrenched at Harry's heart. He wracked his brain, trying to figure out what to say. Unfortunately, his eleven year old mind was just totally unprepared to be faced with such a situation. The woman knew what she was doing was wrong and felt bad about it but was unable to stop herself despite everything. The internal war within her was beyond his ability to settle.

Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I'll keep quiet but let me say this. I know it's none of my business but I really think you should quit. If it really bothers you that much to be doing such a thing, then it's best to stop. I don't know much about marriages but I don't think you should be doing something that makes you feel guilty enough to hide it from your spouse."

And with that, Harry snapped his fingers and disappeared with a small pop, leaving the troubled housewife to ponder his words.

===Break===

"What's all this?" Albus gestured towards the collection of parcels and letters on the kitchen table. "I understand it must be hard for young folks to reign in their excitement but Christmas is still a few days away."

Harry briefly looked up from the letter he was writing to give Albus an odd look. The old man rubbed his beard and picked up a thin, rectangular package thoughtfully. A small note dangled from one end.

_To Prof. Severus Snape,_

_Happy Christmas. This is a token of my gratitude for all the things you have taught me this year. Inside is an enchanted picture frame. Picture in your mind the one you desire the most and the frame will depict that person for you in all their naked glory. Very useful for night time solo activities. It is also able to depict more than one person at a time so if you're feeling a bit 'adventurous', you can even watch yourself move in the frame along with the person of you innermost desires. _

–_Use it well,_

_Harry Potter_

Albus put down the package warily and fixed a stern glare on the boy. "Harry, this isn't something you should give a man like Severus."

Harry finished writing a note and fixed Albus with an equally intimidating stare. "And why not?"

Albus sighed. "Severus has a very... unique sense of humor, if any. I'm not sure he would understand a joke like this."

"A joke? The hell you talkin' about?"

"Harry, how would you feel if someone gave this to you?"

"I'd thank them from the bottom of my heart and use it every night before going to sleep." The boy answered quickly.

Albus face palmed. _This is worse than I thought. He's too far gone..._

"Harry, may I suggest giving him a different present? Severus is not one to enjoy the thrills of the holidays and I highly doubt he will appreciate receiving a tool for masturbation for Christmas."

Harry frowned, not understanding. _Who wouldn't want such a thing?_

"So you're saying I shouldn't give him this because he doesn't masturbate?" He asked slowly.

Albus brightened up, hope surfacing back on his wrinkly features. "Yes, when men reach a certain age, they find other things worth doing more than pleasuring themselves."

Harry slowly nodded in deep thought, trying to find a connection with the old man's words. His face then lit up in realization and snapped his fingers. "Aha! He's too grown up to still be a wanker?"

"Yes..." Albus smiled encouragingly, hoping the boy would reach the right conclusion.

"And he's found something even better than beating his meat?"

"Mind your words, Harry. But yes, grown men have passed that stage in their life and it's not a big priority for them to be doing that."

"I see... so if they're not masturbating... then... they must be... doing the real thing." Harry's head bobbed up and down, his face set in a look of understanding.

"Harry that's not what—" Abus started in alarm. Did he just cause the situation to grow worse?

"I see now, Albus! I should give him something that could help him in his divine endeavors!"

"What are you...?"

Before Albus could get another word out, Harry had already conjured several packs of items made out of latex. He gaped in horror as Harry cast impermeable and unbreakable charms on them.

"Harry... is that what I think it is?"

"Yup! Condoms. Now that I think of it, I should also give him a cane and a hat, well befitting of the Hot Blooded Pimp." Harry said brightly and wrapped the condoms in red and green Christmas wrappers.

"Oh dear..." Albus rubbed his temples, a headache brewing in his old, war-torn mind. "Harry couldn't you have just given him something more on the lines of... everyday use?"

"But these _are_ for daily use." The boy looked back at him innocently.

"No—I mean something like... oh I don't know. Socks?"

"You give people socks for Christmas?!" Harry's eyes stared at him incredulously. "God, you really _are _old."

"Thank you for the reminder but please reconsider your gifts. I recommend replacing them with more innocent ones."

Harry's face fell. "So I guess that dildos are out of the question huh?"

"Definitely." Albus winced. He could already see the reactions of the female staff had he not averted this crisis as it brewed. Minerva would be very terrifying to behold had she received Harry's present and would do everything in her power to get rid of the offensive object immediately. The Deputy Headmistress could be very... overkill in her methods.

"But it would be such a waste to throw all these away... ah! Since you're here, I should give you your present now!"

"But it's not yet—" Albus tried to protest but the boy was already thrusting a box of small, blue tablets into his hands. They looked like candy but knowing Harry, it would probably be something along the lines of poison.

"And these are?"

"Viagra."

===Break===

Madame Olympe Maxime gazed out the window of her well organized office, feeling the usual apprehension that accompanied visits by the famous Albus Dumbledore. The barmy old coot just creeps her out with his overly polite manners and twinkling eyes. She swore he'll go blind one day. Excessive twinkling can cause extreme eye damage.

Karkaroff had already arrived and was waiting in the conference room prepared beforehand. The man was not intolerable but Maxime wished he would act less... evil. Karkaroff's dark sense of humor had her gagging on more occasion than she can count and she was starting to wonder if he was doing it on purpose.

The gates of the Beauxbatons palace opened gracefully, revealing two wizards, one in bright purple robes with a matching hat and another in pure black robes that billowed in a nonexistent wind. She frowned as she recognized the smaller figure.

_Why would Dumbly-dorr bring a child to this meeting between Headmasters?_

===Break===

"Well that was stupid." Harry shook his head at the sheer stupidity the adults around him were discussing with the seriousness of a funeral. They've been going at it for nearly an hour, trying to come up with the tasks for the revival of the Triwizard tournament. The international and legal affairs were taken care of weeks before in another meeting. While they were still waiting for the stamp of approval by the Ministries involved, Albus figured they might as well get started on the finer details of the project.

"I agree. I'm afraid I'll run out of lemon drops before we even agree on anything regarding the First Task." Albus said, popping another lemon drop into his mouth.

Olympe rolled her eyes while Karkaroff sneered behind his cup of tea. The old coot's antics were rapidly getting old. Karkaroff had a sudden impulse to shove the whole damn bowl down Albus' throat. His fingers tightened on his cup, stretching the skin thinly over his white knuckles.

"Dumbly-dorr... I don't mind 'aving your successor joining us but..."

"My apologies, Olympe."

"So what were we talking about again?"

"Oh yes. Dragons." Albus stroked his beard. "Harry, for the purposes of this tournament, we need a creature that would test one's courage and daring. The only one that comes to mind that's on a high enough caliber but still fits this criteria would be a dragon."

"If you really enjoy watching your students die, then you might as well make them face off a nundu." Harry snorted.

Karkaroff chuckled, the mirth not reaching his eyes. "Now that's an idea."

"A nundu would compromise the safety of the audience. It's much too dangerous a creature to use for a tournament like this."

"Come on, Albus. It would be much cooler to see a nundu breath plauges than a dragon breath fire."

"Absolutely not." Albus said sternly.

"If ze boy 'as a better idea, I vould like to 'ear it."

Harry closed his eyes and rubbed his chin, completely mocking Albus' own pose. "Hmm... so dragons and nundus are out and we need a creature that is scary and dangerous enough that barely legal students will piss their pants in fear. What about giants?"

"Not scary enough."

"Trolls?"

"Too easy."

"A basilisk?"

"I feel like you're on to something there but not quite."

"Goblins?"

"Do you want to start another war?!"

"Fine, dementors then."

"Too dark."

"Gorgon?"

"Extinct."

"You just really want me to say dragons, don't you?"

"Of course."

"Fine you win … this time." Harry pouted.

"Of course ze students won't 'ave to fight it. Getting past a dragon is an accomplishment in and of itself."

"What have you guys thought of for the second task then?"

"Albus suggested we have them retrieve an item important to the champions form the bottom of the lake at Hogwarts." Karkaroff answered.

"I'm guessing these items will be guarded by a protection of sorts?"

"Well, there are a lot of creatures in the lake that would be more than a formidable opponent and I have spoken with the merfolk to lend us their cooperation for the event."

Harry frowned. "So you're saying these 'items' will be guarded by the merfolk?"

"Yes..."

They discussed for another hour but were unable to come to an agreement on how to improve the second task. Harry thought having the champions dive under a lake when it's almost winter was a stupid idea and wanted to throw that idea out altogether. Karkaroff and Maxime kept bickering and Albus was adamant in his idea. By the time the time Albus finished his lemon drops, another hour of fruitless conversation had passed and they had to schedule another meeting next year to iron out the details.

===Break===

"That was a waste of time." Harry grumbled as he sipped his tea.

Nicolas chuckled. "You have to get used to it. I'm sure once Albus is gone and you're the only headmaster in charge, you'll be in that kind of situation very often."

"Don't go killing me off yet, Nicolas. I plan on living another hundred years!" Albus exaggerated, waving his arms.

Nicolas snorted. "Good luck with that."

"Well, I did give him some viagra so that should extend his life about fifty more years." Harry said thoughtfully.

"I'm not taking those muggle pills!" Albus said heatedly.

"Your loss." Harry shrugged and sipped his tea.

Perenelle was studying Harry closely. "Harry, since you have no other plans for Christmas, why don't you spend it with us? I'm sure the Delacours would be thrilled to have you."

Harry choked on his tea. "Delacour?"

Perenelle nodded. "They're one of our descendants. It sort of became tradition to spend the holidays with them."

Harry thought long and hard. A wicked smile slowly formed on his face, sending chills to those who saw it.

"You know what? That sounds like a fine idea."

===Break===

"Report." The old man grunted, stabbing his cane into the wooden floor. The captains looked expectantly as the captain with the glasses stepped forward and addressed the others.

"As Ukitake Taichou has previously said, it appears that Eutopia has migrated. However, evidence suggests that this was not so. Kurotsuchi Taichou found a trail of their spiritual signatures and we followed it to the command center of their Shinigami Corps. What we found there was a blasphemy of nature. All the missing souls seems to have melded into one giant blob of reiatsu. We could feel captain level reiatsu in the mix as well as others. However, what was most disturbing was that a Gate of Hell stood partway open not too far from the mass of reiatsu and was steadily sucking souls from it at a steady rate. The souls disintegrate as they leave the blob before being swept inside the Gate."

A shocked silence greeted this revelation. Kyoraku scratched his head. "Could this be related to that incident ten years ago?"

Komamura's deep voice answered. "Well, we never were able to figure out how that monster was able to stop the Gate from hunting him down..."

Heads rose up sharply in alarm. "You mean Voldemort might be the cause of this?" Unohana asked.

Yamamoto turned to the alien-looking captain. "Kurotsuchi Taichou, what are your thoughts on the matter?"

"Hmmm... it is near impossible to meld all the souls in an entire soul society but we cannot deny the fact that it has been done. Different soul signatures that are not compatible would just reject each other should they be attempted to be forged. The fact that someone was able to accomplish such a task tells us that he is one powerful specimen. Not to mention he had to have subdued the entire chain of command into submission first before he could start."

Worried murmurs broke out at this and the Head of the Gotei 13 slammed down his cane for order.

"If what you are saying is true, then Voldemort as of this moment must have weakened considerably after accomplishing such a task. Aizen Taichou, how is the Balance being affected?"

"The Balance is slowly breaking down as we speak. Since souls are being removed from the Cycle as we speak, less and less souls are being spit back out into the Living."

The old man nodded gravely. "We need to stop this abomination at once! Kurotsuchi Taichou, I'm putting you in charge of this operation. Aizen Taichou and Hisugaya Taichou, go with him. We need to restore Eutopia as soon as possible!"

The three captains bowed and left at once, leaving the rest to their own worried thoughts.

===Omake===

"On another note, we need to think up a title for the next chapter." Yamamoto announced.

The remaining captains flinched. Nothing good ever comes out of meddling in affairs that's not their business but they cannot escape from the discussion.

"Isn't that the author's job?" Kyoraku whined.

The old man snorted. "The author is an idiot. If we leave things to that gorilla, this story would never get anywhere."

"I'm sure he has his plans." Gin smirked.

"Oh? Do tell." Kuchiki drawled.

"Enough." Yamamoto tapped his cane impatiently. "Does anyone have a suggestion?"

The captains shifted uncomfortably. No one was stupid enough to suggest anything that might anger the so called 'author' so they wisely kept their mouths shut. They knew they could easily lose their lives in an 'accident' at anytime if the 'author' felt like it. However, they also knew that they wouldn't be able to leave the meeting without a deciding on a 'title'.

After a long minute, Kyoraku raised his hand. The captains looked at him nervously as he stepped forward. It was this man who suggested the title 'viagra' and they all knew how badly that turned out.

"Yes, Kyoraku Taichou? I assume you have a suggestion?"

"Yes, um... er... well, 'Boobs'."

The captains face palmed. They all waited for the tongue lashing that the Supreme Commander was sure to give the 8th division captain. To their shock, the Commander grinned evilly at the suggestion.

"You're a genius."

===Break===


	11. Well, boobs

A/N:

Sorry for the delay. I just had too much to do last month and couldn't find the time to write.

On another note, sorry to disappoint you all, but Harry is not getting any boobs in this chapter. Albus is.

Chapter 10: "Well, boobs."

Harry whistled as he skipped along. Nicolas and his wife watched him with small smiles as they trekked the familiar woody path towards the Delacour house. Albus had gone back to Hogwarts early that morning to take care of Christmas arrangements there. Seeing as there were quite a few students staying at the castle for the holidays, he had to be there for them. It also became a tradition for the professors to exchange gifts during Christmas and Albus was really looking forwards to giving out his new set of multicolored socks to the others. Harry, of course, just sighed at his logic and shook his head.

Nicolas passed the wards of the house and beckoned for Harry to follow. A scrambling sound came from inside the house, followed by the sound of someone tripping. They waited patiently at the doorstep as the person inside fumbled with the locks. The door opened, revealing Appoline and another person who looked like her younger sister, though Harry knew she had to be the daughter. Although Harry knew Appoline was older than she looked, it was still a bit unnerving to see the mother looking as young as the daughter.

"Uncle Nick! Aunt Penny!" She burst out the door and hugged to two, before stepping back and letting her daughter do the same.

"Why, it's nice to see you too." Nicolas laughed. "Ah before I forget, this here is Harry Potter, Headmaster of Hogwarts. You've heard of him right? He'll be staying with us for the holidays."

Appoline froze and turned as white as sheet as her gaze fell on the smiling boy.

"Y—you…"

"Nice to meet you ma'am. I'm Harry Potter." Harry extended his hand to Appoline, who took it with a shaky grip. Harry's smile widened as his eyes flashed, sending a message that seemed to say _"Play along or suffer my wrath."_

"Headmaster? But he's only a little boy!" The daughter pointed a finger at him.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I may be small but I'm big where it counts." His grinned as his hand unconsciously move towards a specific area on his pants. Nicolas clamped down on his shoulder, hard enough to make him realize what he was doing and blush.

She looked at him skeptically but decided to play along for the moment. If Nicolas approves of the boy, then that was all the guarantee she needed. "Well, I'm Fleur. Nice to meet you." The now identified Fleur said. Appoline led them inside and went to prepare some refreshments while they made themselves comfortable. Harry noticed Fleur looking at him strangely from the other couch adjacent to him but he paid it no mind.

_She must have been entranced by my awesomeness. _Harry thought to himself as he sipped his tea.

"Uncle Nick… he's…?" Fleur said hesitantly.

Nicolas raised an eyebrow and looked at Harry, who was looking bored. "Ah, it looks like Harry has resistance to Veelas."

"I see…" Fleur's eyes narrowed and her expression suddenly turned dark. The mood around the room turned grim and Harry felt he was missing something.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"Time for a quick civic lesson I guess." Penny said. "Harry, you know what Veela are, right?"

The boy nodded. "Descendant of nymph and human. Extremely beautiful and have allure that will have all men in a 50 meter radius get a boner."

Nicolas nodded. "Well, you see, there are a rare number of men who are unaffected by this allure and these types are the ones that Veelas usually target as mates."

"Why do I get the feeling this is a bad thing?"

"Because there are a group of these men who band together and kidnap Veela, selling them as slaves." Appoline answered as she brought in some pastries. "Since they are unaffected by the allure, it's easy for them to capture the Veela and ship them off to auctions. They're quite skilled too. Though what's most disturbing is their method of doing things. They approach the girl and make her fall for them before kidnapping her. After the girl has been sold, she gets forcibly bound to the wizard, making it impossible for her to love another person. The bond is so strong that if her partner dies, she will as well. Those that can't be bonded due to an existing bond either get killed or are treated like animals. There have been a large number of disappearances lately and everyone is tense. We never know if we might be next."

"Th—that's horrible!" Harry cried.

"Well it's not like it's a new thing. Slavery has been around since forever, after all. What do they call it nowadays, people trafficking? Either way, it's a dangerous world out there. Luckily, the wards Uncle Nick and Aunt Penny set up can detect malicious intent so we should be safe here."

"What happens if an enemy comes then?" Harry asked.

"They get their magic drained and their penis falls off." Nicolas answered matter-of-factly.

"Ouch." Harry winced.

Loud footsteps thundered down the stairs from the second and an excited Gabrielle squealed as she ran to through and headed for the front door.

"Papa's back!" The girl cried, opening the door to reveal a man in his mid-thirties. The man picked up the little girl and swung her around. Gabrielle squealed in delight as she circled in the air.

"How's my little angel? Have you been a good little girl? Daddy missed you so much!" He hugged Gabrielle and carried her to the living room and kissed his wife in greeting before giving his other daughter a hug. His eyes then swept across the room and fell onto the visitors seated there.

"Uncle Nick, Aunt Penny... good to see you guys again... and you are...?"

Harry shook the man's hand and introduced himself. "I'm—"

"Uncle Harry!" Gabrielle jumped from her father's arms and before Harry could react, had her arms around his neck and expecting him to carry her.

"Er... I'm Harry Potter, the other Headmaster of Hogwarts."

It took a good twenty minutes to explain Harry's acquaintance with Nicolas and Gabrielle. Arman Delacour seemed to process it all calmly but Harry could tell the man was a bit overwhelmed with all that has been happening to his family while he was away.

"Would you like me to fix you up something to eat, dear?" Appoline asked.

Arman shook his head. "Had Kenpachi's on my way here."

Appoline knitted her eyebrows and scolded him. "You've been having too much of that already! You're gonna get fat one of these days, I swear!"

Harry scratched his head. "Kenpachi's?"

"Kenpachi's Fried Chicken. It's a muggle restaurant that specializes in chickens." Nicolas explained.

Harry frowned. "We had KFC in Japan too but I'm pretty sure the K meant something else."

"Well, it's hard to get proper meals with my line of work." Arman said, sipping his tea.

"What do you do?" Harry asked.

"Dad is kind of like the French ambassador to the vampires." Fleur answered with a hint of pride.

"Vampires?" Harry read about them in books but didn't pay them much attention as they don't go out of their way to trouble the wizards. The vampires liked their isolationism and since they pretty much went inactive in wizarding affairs after Voldemort's downfall, the wizards left them alone in turn.

Arman looked sheepish as his job was brought up but explained nonetheless. "There are many vampire clans scattered throughout Europe and the Ministry tries to keep as good diplomatic relations with them as possible. There are actually many different species of vampires that exist. I mainly deal with the more common ones since they are the least dangerous and are actually open to negotiations. The other types however, are few in number and are actually too dangerous to approach. They could wipe out entire cities by themselves." Arman winced. "Luckily they tend to mostly keep to themselves to avoid the people who hunt them for a living."

"People specialized in hunting vampires?" Harry asked. The Defense Against the Dark Arts books never mentioned anything too specific about vampires. From what Arman was telling him, it seemed the French were more knowledgeable about dark creatures than Britain. Harry briefly toyed with the idea of hiring the man as the D.A.D.A teacher for the next school year but he doesn't seem like the type to teach in a classroom. The man exuded an aura that told of restlessness and Harry knew that he wasn't one to be tied in one place for too long.

"Yes, there are special organizations that hunt down the more dangerous vampires. Unlike the lesser vampires which share the same evolutionary origin as a wizard, these vampires are said to be descended from an alien of such great power that it almost destroyed the planet by having the moon smash into it. I don't know if it's true or just fiction but this species of vampires are still one of the most dangerous beings on the planet at the moment."

"Descended from aliens?" Harry raised an eyebrow. "That's kinda hard to believe. If they're so powerful, why haven't they taken over the world yet?"

Arman shrugged. "I don't know all the details but a lot of them were eliminated by the one they called the 'White Princess' a long time ago after succumbing to their thirst for blood. The humans whom they have turned into vampires are actually the ones that we have to deal with today. Even though they are not as powerful as the originals, they are still one of the most powerful species on the planet. I heard they even have their own armies. As curious as I am about them as a race, I think it's better to stay away from them in general. The lesser vampires are already giving me enough problems as it is."

Harry was about to ask more but Appoline shoved a pastry in his mouth and sent a mock glare in Harry's direction. "Enough talk about work. It's Christmas! We should be enjoying ourselves!"

Arman nodded and smiled. "You're right. Well Harry, you said you're Hogwarts' Headmaster? That's pretty impressive. Don't you have to study for decades to acquire multiple masteries before qualifying for the job?"

"Mine was a special case. The castle itself decided that I'm good enough for the job but even then I'm still kind of like an assistant at the moment, though I have the same authority as Albus within the school. It takes a while to learn the ropes and the small details of the job but I should be as good as Albus, if not better, by the time I graduate. The professors said that at the rate I'm going, I should be able to earn my Masteries by my seventh year. Snape even said if I try harder, I could be a Potions Master before my sixth year ends."

Shocked silence greeted this revelation. Even Nicolas and his wife, who knew that Harry was somewhat of a genius, had their mouths open. After the incredulous silence stretched on for nearly a minute, it was Appoline who spoke.

"Well well. It looks like we have ourselves quite the prodigy here. It took me nearly ten years of post-graduate studies to get my Mastery in History. And you say you're getting multiple ones at the same time?" She shook her head in wonder.

Harry gave her a lop-sided grin. "My brain is only one of my talents. My fingers are pretty skilled too."

Appoline choked on her tea and glared daggers at Harry, who merely looked back at her with playful innocence. The others didn't seem to notice the subtle byplay between the two and continued with what they were doing.

"You play an instrument?" Arman asked.

"Oh yes. I can make girls squeal just by playing the G note by itself."

"You're a ladies man eh? Got a girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"Why not? It's only normal for healthy young boys to be into that kind of stuff."

Harry gave him a rueful smile in return. "While I do have more than an unhealthy amount of interest in women, I think I have more self-control than others on that kind of thing. Every time I almost pounce on a girl, I kept remembering that all girls, no matter how pretty, will still fart and shit."

"Amen to that." Arman raised his cup to Harry, earning himself a smack to the head by his wife.

"On another note, is Esme also coming, Fleur?" Arman asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yes, I'm supposed to pick him up in an hour."

"Who's Esme?" Harry asked.

"Fleur's boyfriend." Appoline said, causing Fleur to blush.

"As much as I don't approve of my daughter getting into a relationship at such a young age, I can't help but to like the guy." Arman added approvingly.

"I'm fifteen! I'm old enough to make my own decisions." Fleur said.

_In other parts of the world, fifteen is too old to have lived without having lost your virginity. _Harry thought. _And from the way she carries herself, it's not hard to see she is one._

_Stop. You have enough targets to corrupt at the moment, Harry. No need to add fifteen year old virgins to the list._

_Oh, fine. It's easier to corrupt the younger sister anyways._

_*Sigh* You're not gonna give up on corrupting Gabrielle, are you?_

_Nope. The younger they are, the easier they are to corrupt._

_Just don't go overboard. _His Zanpakutou sighed in defeat.

_Don't worry. I have pretty good self-control, you know. And besides, I'm not a lolicon._

_Or so you say._

===Hogwarts===

Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts Headmaster and Supreme Mugwump etc., frowned as he poked Harry's present with his wand.

It looked like a marble carving of a woman's breast, a perfectly shaped woman's breast, with a size that was perfectly balanced against its shape.

Albus reread the note sticking out from under it for the tenth time. _Poke the nipple with wand._

Albus sighed and finally relented. He knew enough about the boy not to trust Harry's machinations. He cast protection charms on himself and his office and cautiously tapped the nipple with his wand.

Colors flooded the marble carving, giving it the same life like features as a real breast. It wobbled at the wand's touch, soft, yet firm. Albus' eyebrows shot up and his jaw dropped.

Loud footsteps came from the stairway that led to his office, and his door banged open, revealing a fuming McGonagall.

"Albus! What in Merlin possessed you to send me a _vibrator_ of all things as a present?! Have you lost your mind? Why couldn't you just have stuck with socks?"

Albus face palmed. _So Harry did send out those presents… and wrote them off as mine!_

"Minerva there's a good explanation for this."

"Oh? You don't say."

"You see, Harry is playing a prank on all of us. Whatever you got that has my name on it definitely came from him."

"And what did he give you?"

"Well, boobs."

"What?!"

"According to the letter he sent with it, he wanted advice on how to make it seem even more lifelike. After viewing its mechanics using a magesight spell, I identified warming charms, a transfiguration spell that turns the marble into what looks like skin, and several other mechanisms that I cannot identify that makes the entire thing function like a human."

McGonagall gaped. "W—why would he make such a thing?"

"If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say he's trying to make a homunculus."

===Back to the Delacours===

Christmas dinner was a new experience for Harry. The pleasant atmosphere by itself was more than enough to make him forget about his troubles even for a short amount of time. Appoline also proved to be a very good chef, introducing him to new tastes and dishes that the students of Hogwarts could only dream of being served.

The mood brightened up considerably after Fleur's boyfriend arrived in time for dinner. Harry could tell the family liked the man and they probably think of him as part of the family already. Harry thought the teen was pleasant enough and easy to get along with. Esme was a good looking young man with long, black hair tied in a stylish ponytail and rectangular glasses that framed his handsome face. If Harry was to sum him up in one word, he'd say Esme was a bishounen, or a beautiful boy. However, Harry could tell there was something off about the way he moved and carried himself. His paranoia only increased as he observed the teen throughout dinner.

_That guy Esme… his aura looks like it's covered in mud. What do you think, Hime?_

_Definitely suspicious. The mud in his aura definitely marks him as someone who's hiding something._

Harry didn't voice his suspicions out loud and just kept an eye on Esme just in case. Something about the guy just didn't add up and Harry was determined to find out what. After two more hours of observation, Harry realized what it was and laughed out loud, causing the others to look at him like he was crazy.

They all sat in the living room after dinner, enjoying the company of each other. Appoline and Arman went to their room early, no doubt to catch up on their sex life before Arman went away for another long period of time. Nicolas and Perenelle were sitting on the couch, discussing something in hushed whispers while Esme and Fleur were feeding each other in a love seat, leaving Harry to play with Gabrielle.

"You wanna be my minion?" Harry asked in the most serious tone he could muster, his expression grave.

"What's a minion?" The little girl asked with pure, innocent curiosity.

"Hmm…" Harry rubbed his chin in thought. "According to the book I was reading this morning, a minion is someone who a leader thinks is worthy enough to be his subordinate. The minion performs all the important work that the leader needs done, unlike a henchman who only does menial labor. So what do you say? Minions get special treatment you know."

Gabrielle's eyes grew wide and nodded her head excitedly. First member of Harry's human army: obtained.

"I'm bored. Do we have anything fun around here to do?" Fleur whined after another hour had passed.

"Your house." Esme shrugged.

"Well… there is this game I have been working on for quite a while now. Wizard chess, exploding snap, and gobstones got boring after a while so I decided to invent one. You want to test it out? It should be ready for beta." Harry said.

Gabrielle immediately bobbed her head in agreement while Fleur frowned skeptically.

"Here, let me show you." Harry pulled out the Voodoo Dick and waved it in front of him, creating a distortion in space as the dimensional barriers split, showing a different world beyond.

"Harry… i—is that the Dildo of Ravenclaw?" Perenelle asked with wide eyes.

"I thought the Voodoo Dick was lost after Ravenclaw divorced from the Hufflepuff House but it seems you've found it." Nicolas commented with amazement.

"Well… the Sorting Hat gave it to me, saying that it was a gift."

Nicolas snorted. "The Voodoo Dick won't obey you unless it thinks you are worthy enough to use its powers. Judging by the ease you seem to use it, I'd say it likes you very much."

Harry winced. "Somehow it does not make me feel better knowing that a dildo likes me."

"What is a Voodoo Dick?" Fleur asked.

"Guys, I don't think we should be talking about that kind of stuff. Gabrielle's here you know." Esme pointed at the little girl, who was reaching for the glowing dildo with unnatural curiosity.

"Sorry, Gabrielle. I'm not letting you borrow this until you're old enough to pleasure yourself."

"HARRY!" They all yelled at him in unison.

"What? We can't keep her innocent forever." Harry said defensively.

"B—but still… it's not proper!" Esme cried in outrage.

Harry merely raised an eyebrow. "Like you're one to talk. When are you gonna tell Fleur about your little secret?"

Esme blushed and muttered in indignation. "H—how d'you know?"

"Same way I know that Appoline is on her fifteenth orgasm right about now and that Fleur is wearing white panties with cat prints on them. I know many things." He tapped a finger to his forehead and gave them a lop-sided grin.

Fleur turned red started to yell at him but due to her shock, no words came out. Nicolas and Perenelle tried to hold in their gales of laughter while Gabrielle merely looked on in confusion.

"Really… it was worth bringing Harry just for this." Nicolas finally said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted…" Harry gave Nicolas a mock glare, who just smirked at him in return. "This portal leads to a different dimension created by the powers of the Voodoo Dick. I created a role playing game in this dimension in which many people can play at once. I used the cliché idea of a group of heroes killing the demon lord as the basis for this game. As the group enters, the game chooses the one with the most magical power as the demon lord of the game. The demon lord is the most fun role in this game since it practically lets you be the king of the game. The game provides you with enough magic to do whatever the heck you want. The rest of the group however, gets assigned roles such as knight, wizard, healer, etc. and their goal is to defeat the demon lord. The game ends when the demon lord is defeated or the group dies."

"Unbelievable…" Esme shook his head. "Creating dimensions just for a game…"

"Oh, I forgot to mention. As you enter this dimension, you will leave your body behind and only your soul will be able to go in. It should be safe as I've tested this multiple times. If you die in the game, your soul will just get sent back to your body."

"Sounds good. Let's try it." Nicolas said and despite some protests, pulled everyone else with him as he entered the portal.

The group felt as if they were being squeezed through a straw as they felt themselves _leaving_ their bodies behind. They fell onto a grassy plain in a tangle of arms and legs.

"Urgh." Fleur rubbed her head, grimacing as she did so.

"Mffff…" Came the voice from… between her legs?

"Kyaa!" Fleur jumped back and clutched her skirt, her face turning beet red in anger and embarrassment.

"Hmm… I was wrong… not cat panties. Bear panties." Harry rubbed his chin in thought, a serious expression on his face. "Pedobear sure has spread around the world. Though I guess it isn't that surprising. People love cute, childish things after all. But panties? Seriously? I mean we're barely recovering from the horrors of Hello Kitty and Pedobear has already found his way into panties! I guess the world just isn't as safe as it used to be anymore."

"W—what are you talking about?!" Fleur yelled. "Apologize, you pervert!"

Harry gave her an odd look. "Apologize? You should be thanking me for complimenting your panties!"

Fleur looked like she was about to blow. Unbridled fury radiated off her in waves that Harry flinched.

"Esme… kill him. For soiling a maiden's purity… kill him!"

Nothing interesting happens.

"Esme?" Fleur looked around in confusion. Esme was kneeling with his back turned to her and clutching his chest. He was visibly shaking and was wearing… a dress?

"F—Fleur… I'm so sorry…" Esme turned back to Fleur with bloodshot, watery eyes.

_BOOOOOOOOBS! I knew it! _Harry thought excitedly, mentally pumping his fists into the air.

Fleur's jaw dropped. The shock of finding the man she loved was actually a woman caused her mind to blank out, making her remember all the perverted thins they had done together and imagining what would have happened if they actually tried to have sex. Esme approached her cautiously and gave her a hug, muttering incomprehensible stuff the whole time. He (or was it she?) then looked at Fleur in the eyes and kissed her long and deep.

Long, deep, and flavorful. With tongue! Lots and lots of tongue that it's practically mouth rape!

Fleur's eyes rolled to the back of her head, losing herself in the pleasure of the kiss. A low moan escaped her lips as Esme's hands moved all over her body, stimulating multiple erogenous zones at once. After two full minutes of locking lips, they broke apart, leaving Fleur panting on the ground with a dazed expression on her face and some drool hanging from her mouth.

"Wow that was hot." Harry and Nicolas said in awe. They grinned at each other and slapped high fives. A cough from Perenelle brought their attention back to their surroundings.

"Ehem… Harry where are we?" She asked, pulling some twigs out of Gabrielle's hair.

"Well, I haven't really thought of a name for this area yet but we should be in a clearing south of the Forest of Doom. There should be a town to the east where we can buy supplies. If you check your pockets, there should be a pouch containing a hundred gold coins and some health potions. You can use the health potion to heal from any injury as long as it's not an instant kill, like let's say, your head gets chopped off. The clothes you are wearing right now signify your class. That is, what your role in the group is."

They looked at themselves for the first time and gasped at the change in clothing. Nicolas was wearing a pure white robe and wizard hat, complete with a white staff resembling a certain White wizard in a certain Hobbit movie. Perenelle's was a black priest robe, Esme's a provocative battle dress consisting of brown leather straps and metal buckles, and Fleur's was a green tunic with a purple skirt under a layer of metal plates. Slung on her shoulder were a longbow and a quiver of arrows. Gabrielle on the other hand, was in full plate armor with a large shield and a short sword.

"Hmm… wizard, healer, assassin, archer, and … knight? Pretty standard but this should be good enough. Though, I'm not sure the game picked the right choice, choosing Gabrielle as the tank." Harry shook his head. "Ah well. Anyways, you can only use magic that is specific to your class. For example, an assassin cannot cast fireballs, stunners etc. The wizard on the other hand, can do all the spells he knows plus some additional ones that are specific to the game. Your imagination is key here. You are in a different dimension where you can pretty much do anything. Shooting arrows might not seem as destructive as the powers of a wizard, but if you can imagine an arrow that shoots out nuclear warheads, that property will be infused to your arrow and it will work."

"Interesting." Nicolas said, twirling his staff and experimenting with standard spells first before pointing it at the sky and causing lightning to rain down, destroying a good portion of the trees north of them. "I must say, this is quite extraordinary."

"And what are you supposed to be?" Fleur asked and pointed at Harry.

Harry looked down at himself and face palmed. Apparently, there was a glitch that he hasn't fixed yet. He was in his Japanese shinigami uniform with his Zanpakutou slung on his waist. He scratched his head, trying to think up an explanation.

"Er… a samurai?"

"Hang on, didn't you say one of us will get chosen by the game to be the demon king? Then why are all of us still here?" Esme asked, pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. Now that Harry could see her in female clothing, he couldn't deny that she was hot. She has lots of curves in all the right places that was normally covered by her baggy clothing and form of a model. Her beauty however, looked dim compared to Fleur but if she was by herself, she would be on hell of an eye candy. It was no wonder that Harry and Nicolas had nosebleeds when they see the two beautiful young women making out.

But she still had a point and Harry couldn't think of an answer. "That's strange. It should have picked me as the demon lord by now. Is it another glitch?" He rubbed his chin in thought.

"Why would it pick _you_?" Fleur demanded.

"Well, seeing as I'm the most powerful wizard in our group in terms of sheer magical energy…"

Loud, thundering booms sounded off in the distance. The ground shook from the impact of an army marching approximately 20 miles away from them. Harry's eyes widened in shock at what he saw.

"B—but… that's impossible! The Voodoo Dick is stronger than me?" He said in a stunned tone.

"Harry, contrary to what you think, you are just a side character in this story. The Voodoo Dick is actually the main character." Nicolas clapped his back in pity.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked in confusion.

"What does that make us then?" Esme demanded.

Nicolas sighed. "Well, you're just an OC so I don't think the author would have no problem in killing you in two chapters or so."

"WHAT?!"

"Nicky, dear, you're scaring the children." Perenelle whacked him in the head.

"Right… sorry about that. I forgot they can't break the fourth wall until they reach a certain, old age."

"What's a fourth wall?" Gabrielle asked.

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, dear." Perenelle said kindly.

The sound of a trumpet brought their attention back to the approaching army.

"It's impossible… we can't possibly win against the Voodoo Dick… and being the demon lord just makes it even worse. The damn dildo is practically a god now!" Harry fell to his knees. A dark cloud of despair floated above him.

The army paused, its soldiers standing over five meters tall and glowing golden in the bright midday sun. Then as one, each one vibrated, creating shockwaves in the ground with a force that can split mountains. As if to show off its power, the commander moved forward, and vibrated mockingly. It turned towards a distant mountain and fired a _beam,_ of all things, completely obliterating the mountain into a pile of rubble. It turned back to Harry's group and vibrated once, signaling for its army of seventy thousand five meter tall dildos to resume their march.

Harry voice shook with despair as he voiced everyone's thoughts as they watch the approaching army of giant dildos.

"We're screwed."


End file.
